Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Early to bed and early to rise?

So I have to be sitting at my desk, clocked into work in 6 hours and 30 minutes.. and I'm still awake, blogging. I know why. Too much looking at a screen today. Keeps me up. But it's amazing what you find when you google "Submarine Homecoming". I'm learning more and more about what I can expect as I stumble through this new adventure. My Ombudsman (basically the family morale officer here on land) is doing a great job of answering all my questions, and I'm trying not to sound like a crazy woman in my emails to her. I'd be lost without her.

That said, I did stumble across something I thought was share worthy. As you know, I'm one of those people that uses research and knowledge to calm my over active imagination. And it didn't help when I read about the 1968 "disappearance" of a US submarine (damn google!)... I read about how the sub was expected in on May 22, but then the families were told it was going to be delayed until May 24th... and then there was a huge storm so they assumed that was hindering the sub when the families showed up at the peir in the pouring rain to see the ship come in and meet their loved ones, and ended up going home empty handed and disappointed. Then on May 27th, the media broke the news that the sub was "missing".  By October, they found the sub, or what was left of it. Every sailor aboard died when it sank due to an "explosion of unknown nature." Now isn't that a great bedtime story? One wife even shared her story, that she was waiting for her husband to get off the sub and pick her and his newborn son up directly from the hospital. When he never came, she went home... Ouch...

So that's to that little snippet (I know, I shouldn't have read it, but that page also had a lot of helpful information on it too), I needed to continue researching until I found enough information to help me live in the "now". The fact that it was over 40 years ago, AND a different kind of Submarine was a good start. A REALLY good start.

Anyway, I found a check list of things to expect during deployment on the psych/emotional side. It's always comforting to know I'm not going crazy in the way I'm handling all this. Here's the little check list for deployment time:
 Emotional Confusion (1-6 weeks after departure).
___Some feelings: sense of abandonment, loss, emptiness, pain, disorganization, intense business  - Emptiness, sure. Loss, yup. Disorganization, a bit. Intense business, sure. But a sense of abandonment? Nope. I've dodged a bullet on this one. I realized long ago that how much time I spend alone is up to me  and no one else. I know I'll branch out more in a little while, after I'm done licking my wounds and once I have more of a schedule down for myself. This is only week 1. I will say it's been an odd week though. A mixture between a blur and a complete drag.
___Activities: being more busy than usual
Nope. Actually about the same here. I get more physical at night lately though. I think it's working out some restlessness. Thank God for Dance Dance Revolution ( and the fact that I suck at it makes me work harder) and Just Dance 2. Thinking about splurging for Just Dance 3 next month...
___Reactions: crying, loss of sleep, loss of appetite
Complete honesty here... Loss of sleep - check. My bedtime is AWEFUL without him here. 9pm one night, 1am the next. He's the time keeper when it comes to sleeping and waking up. Loss of Appetite - semi-check. I'm not having trouble staying between 1200 and 1500 calories -especially since I haven't been drinking alcohol with dinner. Crying  - check. Not a lot, but it happens. Every once in a while something will hit me just right and I'll need a moment, but it doesn't last more than 30 seconds before I have my head screwed back on straight. I'm focusing on his homecoming, getting my weight down in the mean time as well as finishing some scrap booking and writing I've been meaning to get to, as well as visits by friends and to family. It'll all work out.
- Adjustment (most of deployment) 

___Some Feelings: hope, confidence, calm, less anger, loneliness
Hope? Yup. Confidence? Getting there. Less anger? I wasn't angry at him for leaving. I'm just a slow to anger person and choose not to get angry over things we have zero control over. Lonliness? Sure. But isn't that par for the course? If I didn't miss him, something would be terribly wrong here.
___Activities: establishing routine, establishing communications, self growth, independence
Establishing a routine - I'm working on it. Establishing communications - I've been using email to keep both of our families in the loop. Self growth - see goals, weight loss, writing, scrap booking, wedding planning... Independence - Got this one in the bag. My relationship prior to this one failed partly due to my natural inclination towards independence.
- Expectation of Reunion (6-8 weeks prior to homecoming).

___Some feelings: apprehension, excitement, high expectations, worry
Apprehension - nope, not that yet. Excitement - got a little flicker of it, High Expectations - Yeah, of myself to hit my goals! Not of him. I know he's doing fine. Worry - when this starts to creep in, I remember that he'll be happy to see me no matter WHAT I look like or have accomplished since he's been underway.
___Activities: planning homecoming, cleaning, dieting
Already thinking about all of that - and been cleaning more and watching what I eat better.

I know enough about psychology to know that none of this is cut and dry, but it's nice to know I'm not going crazy. When I carried by own case of firewood out of Walmart today, I knew I had a good guy. Why? Because I can't remember the last time I carried by own case of firewood. ;)

And now I have to be sitting at my desk working in 6 hours and 15 minutes. I better call it a night.


  1. Hang in there, you're doing great. Oh, and quit reading horror stories :)

  2. yeah no kidding! i can't imagine reading those things... I try not to think about Brian while he's at work and all the horrible things that could happen. also, if you ever get pregnant, just don't use Google. For anything. Ever. It's terrifying.

    Hey, it's okay to feel down and lost and cry. What's not okay is depression. So keep an eye on your symptoms, if they get worse, reach out. But you're tough so I think you won't have a problem with that!