This Isn't for the Weak - A Unique Chapter of My Journey

 There is an old saying - 

  Be Careful what you Pray for. 

For example, never pray for strength, because you'll be put in situations where you'll have to grow it. 

The answer to your prayer may not be what you think it should be - but by golly, you'll be stronger! 

Recently, life has challenged all of my ideas of what I think about myself and my limitations on every single front.

 It seems no matter how prepared I think I am, I'm in a season of a massive learning curve. 

Third grade has meant more homework - which, when you have a special kid, means more work for everyone. Working in homework has been tricky, and just when I think we've got a rhythm, some wrinkle to the schedule throws everything off. One night, it ended with me laying on the kitchen floor channeling all of my calm with The Impossible Girl laying on top of me, cried out. We breathed together and she hugged me and felt better. Which is exactly what we did when she was a baby too and I didn't know what else to do (though it usually was me joining her in crying, admittedly). 

I figured out early that I have an insight to special kids. One of my close childhood friends had a stutter and some neurological issues - and I loved him for who he was. How he spoke and his deficits never bothered me. I knew he was different, but he was just Matthew to me, and that was fine. As I grew into a teenager, I started to babysit. My longest running baby sitting gigs were with a pair of brothers who both were unmedicated ADHDers. I was their once-a-week sitter for years.  

Now, I've become a Site Director for the same Forest Preschool that helped raise my kid. There are a lot of responsibilities I didn't really expect that come along with it and I'm keeping my head above water - sometimes barely, but the kids are fantastic. The experience has taught me a lot - especially about where my boundaries lie. 

And these past 12 days have been mixing the concrete that is anchoring me. Let's do a quick inventory:

• My dog died tonight. It was a planned event, but that doesn't make it any less painful. There will never be a time when it'll feel 'right' to bid a dearly loved buddy goodbye. Odin came to us when he was about 2 years old. He was a Great Pyrenees (who came with his own massive learning curve). He's been with us for about 13.5 years. There is a strange quiet about the house without him. He suffered from hip dysplasia for the last 2 years (which we were able to treat to keep him comfortable) and a tumor in his jaw which- when it did decide to spread, was a massive problem. When we could tell it was getting into his throat and we were no longer able to keep him comfortable, we let him go. This is the 2nd dog I've said goodbye to in 2 years. We are now a 1 dog family at the moment. Let's hope we don't have to say goodbye for a long time to come.
  While we'll miss him dearly, it also means we can see fireworks locally for the first time in The Impossible Girl's lifetime - if we want to - without coming home to a torn up house and a bleeding dog. 
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• The water heater went. First, it was leaking a little. We called a plumber to come replace it. They were about a week out. No big deal, we could catch the leak. Well... we COULD ... until it started leaking from all sides and basically threatened to explode. (Did I mention the water heater is in The Impossible Girl's closet?) We were without hot water for 1 day while they came in and replaced it. (Friends stepped in to offer us friendly hot showers and My Sailor was on a 24+ hour shift, so he caught a hot shower on base.) 
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• Nearly had an electrical fire in the kitchen on the same day I discovered the water heater leaking. We don't have functional outlets currently in the kitchen as a result- at least we haven't for about 2 weeks. Hopefully the electrician scheduled for this weekend can fix it quickly.

• The microwave almost started a fire as well. (New microwave has come in.)

• The toaster also stopped popping up, causing me to burn something so bad that I nearly started a fire. (New toaster has now also come in.)

• The Impossible Girl is now officially under seizure watch, thanks to her amazingly quick thinking OT and Pediatrician. We got an urgent referral to a pediatric neurologist... and are currently scheduled for the next available appointment - at a location 3 hours away round trip and in February. We are on the cancelation list and hopeful for answers sooner. In the meantime, we rely on super observant teachers and our own power of observation to help figure this out.

• My Sailor also officially got orders. The good news is - we're staying where we live now (though I would have been down for an adventure on the Navy's dime - we are the kind of Navy that doesn't move ever apparently.) The bad news is - well, it's deployment life again. And I suddenly realize I've taken a job that isn't terribly flexible during a time when I'm going to need a lot of flexibility. Oops. 

No matter the obstacles - solutions have been right around the corner (though the solution to the grief of losing our fluffy friend will just take TLC and time). While it's a hard season to be in, I'm learning a lot. With y 45th birthday around the corner, I am surprised to discover I have more of a growth mindset than I had in my 20's. 

Life has me thinking a lot and realizing how important is it to make space for peace in the chaos. 

Last night, I was updating The Impossible Girl's calendar for the month, and she got upset that her friend has a birthday party on a weekend. Why? Because she wants to spend the weekend with us - her family. She doesn't want anyone to infringe on that time. Maybe I need a page from her book...

Disney World, October 2024

Just Before Leaving the Seattle airport

These are the most important things. 

Money, jobs, water heaters, houses... they are all replaceable. 

But the time we have together isn't. 

So let's make every second count.

Our last family trip was fun, but also incredibly stressful, plagued by injury, illness, and cut short by an impending hurricane.

We still feel like we need a break.

Maybe it's time to put more family time on the calendar.

Late Night Ramblings

 This morning Odin didn't want to get up. And to be honest, neither did I. A few more hours of sleep would have been amazing, but here I am, at 11pm, finishing up a Lego set that has been half finished on the table for weeks. I've been working hard to minimize the clutter around the house - which is easier said than done. 

We are the kind of family that chooses quality time together over a perfectly kept house. Even if we had better storage solutions, I can certainly say that we'd still have last week's art projects on the door, odds and ends on the kitchen table, and a pile of laundry to fold on the couch. It's just part of the dynamic of our lives. It's lived in, but also always ready with a pot of warm water and a cup of tea. There are always multiple pairs of boots by the door. It's not perfect, and yet, everyone survives in this 1600 sq feet of home.

Getting the Lego set finished that the Impossible Girl started will at least finish one thing in the never ending projects around here. 

And that's okay.

Staying up beyond my family's bedtime is definately a bit of 'revenge insomnia'. (Revenge insomnia is when you stay up late to take revenge on a day when you had little control over how you spent your time due to outside circumstances.) And with all the transitions of the last month, there is a lot to take revenege on.

The Impossible Girl started on her IEP with the local public school. So now she misses recess with her friends and bounces between the private school we love and the public school that has the special ed resources. It's a lot of milage on everyone and though she puts on a smile and a brave face, she misses the woods and her friends at school.  School is almost over this year, My Sailor wants to pull her out of the IEP (since we've been seeing signs of stress (headaches, night time accidents, bad dreams) but we're trying to give it some time and let her get caught up - with a plan for next year that includes some extra tutoring outside the schools instead. 

Which brings to mind - do dyslexic folks really ever 'catch up'? Or do we just develop work arounds that become part of our daily lives? With technology taking over the bulk of work and communications these days, there are tools are our finger tips to make life easier, so I'm certain she'll have a better time at it outside of the academic world. Just gotta get through school first. 

So often it feels strange, this parenting journey.  For example, I took her to a movie in the theater this weekend (IF - a fun flick). We sat down in the theater and pulled up throw blankets we brought from home. She brought a stuffed animal buddy with her. She reminded me to get her headphones out of the car, so we brought those. When the lights went down, she asked for them to put them on. Other folks at the theater looked at us. But I love that she didn't mind one bit. She's a different kid. People may notice. And that's okay too. I'm doing my best to set the example of, "use the tools you need , and everyone else who seems to care about it can kick rocks." And ya know what? I think it's working. 

A Caregiver's Journal

 

I have a pretty good life. 

I have a roof over my head and I know where my next meal is coming from. 

My daughter is an awesome little person that I enjoy, and glancing over at my husband of over a decade still gives me butterflies. No matter all the physical changes, age, deployments, and crazy schedules, My Sailor is an awesome partner. 

 I have a small circle of friends that at times I wish was larger - but I have people I can call when the world comes crashing down. 

I have a job I love, and the ability to pursue things deepen my spirit and challenge me to make me better. 

And maybe the sunshine is bringing out some gratitude. 

I do struggle with how much to share, but I've always been honest, so I'm going to continue to shoot from the hip. 

This year, we're able to get The Impossible Girl the supports to help her in school and life in general. I understand the struggle of so many parents - and I can say that when things are the most challenging, I tend to run silent (as I suspect many parents managing the same things do). We don't want to be viewed as 'whinning' or 'permissive'. We want to be seen as doing the best we can to teach our kids to cope in a world that isn't designed for them. 

Last week in a counseling session, my therapists and I discussed my adoption and I mentioned "I won the parent lottery." No parent is perfect, but I feel like mine did a good job of setting a good example and teaching me to see things and think critically. Some things they did with us I repeat, and some things I adapt and change. As the conversation continued during that session, it inevitably turned into parenting. Parenting takes up 95% of my mental space basically - so yeah, I'm gonna talk about it.

As I explained the things I learned from the years of  Magnolia Forest Preschool and such, my therapist almost made me cry. She said, "It sounds like your daughter won the parent lottery."

It shocked me to my core when she said that.

I was not one of those kids who aspired to "having 2.5 kids and a white picket fence". In fact, when people asked me what I wanted to be when I was younger, I knew I'd take the road less traveled. I said things like artist, singer, songwriter, poet, actor, etc. Mom and wife were things on the side of all of that - not really the focus. Not the 'dream' of my childhood.

Now, my days start the night before.

When I write out my daughter's 'plan' for the next day on a white board and go over it with her.

Then we set the alarm (it's earlier during the weekends so she can get some time with me before I head off to work on Saturday mornings).

The next day, it's into the morning and school routine - which doesn't include screens. We fight morning/go to school anxiety with music and connection and movement. 

Once at school, I read with her for a few minutes in the classroom so she will be able to start the day. Big hugs and I'm off to work.

I work with my clients (and insert a workout for myself along the way) and I'm back at pick up time. Depending on the day, evening may include a trip to the library before dinner and unwinding before bath and bed. 

Morning routine takes about an hour and a half. Evening routine takes about 1.5-2 hours. 

I've learned to pick my battles and patience is the heart of empathy. I've learned just how much tone matters when speaking. I've learned to slow down - a hike is only as good as the things you discover along the way. I've learned that flexibility is harder for some than others. I've learned that compassion is never inappropriate. I've learned that feeling understood allows us to be our authentic selves. I've learned to talk less. 

I am slowly learning how to not get lost in the process. 

I think this is something most caregivers can relate to. Where are 'you' in the 'we's? 

Since becoming a military spouse, I gave up acting/singing publicly. I did Into the Woods at a local theater when I moved up to Washington - and it was awesome - but My Sailor I was also asked to stop doing theater as it was taking too much time away from the short hours together.

If anyone else had asked for any other reason, I would have told them where they could shove it. But the request was sincere, and he rarely asks anything of me. So it was a decision I made to put it on hold - for now. For now has been about 10 years. 

 I figured it would be something I pick back up when he deployed again, but then I had a kiddo who relies on me as her anchor more than most. Babysitters that work are few and far between - and expensive. 

Rehearsals are typically in the evenings and on weekends. The Impossible Girl doesn't have the bandwidth for much after coping with school all day, so involving her in another activity or finding a regular playdate is overwhelming. My Sailor is a great partner, but his schedule is deeply unpredictable - most days I don't know what time he's going into work until the day before, and I don't know when he's getting home.  (You know, needs of the Navy and all.)

 The fact is doing a show is out of the question - for the forseeable future. 

So I switched from participant to patron (when I can). I look forward to every show. For my birthday this year, I signed up for a National Theater At Home subscription. I've enjoyed sneaking a play or 2 in a month that way.

Theater and performing was such a huge part of my life. What now? I threw myself into parenting and being a military spouse and support to my clients. But where did I go?

Where was the 'me' in all of this? 

It's taken years but finding my way back to things that light the creative fires is an inspiring process. Getting lost in the day to day constant need can be is overwhelming. 

I'm also finding new things as the circumstances of my life have changed so much. Connecting with nature, creating space, accepting life is messy, and finding some thrill in the mess is making this back end of life its own brand of awesome as well.