Monday, August 31, 2009
I was also given a great offer that I think I'm going to act on to get myself a little further out of the hole, and remain for at least the end of the year closer to home. So here's where the "D" part comes in. I've decided to stay until the end of the year.
That does NOT mean I will continue to stay trapped in the same old cycle!
Here's what I've discovered -
EVEN if/when I move away from here, I risk getting stuck in the same old cycle - just in a different setting. The changes to break that cycle aren't going to come from a change in scenery (though they could). They have to come from a change of priorities. They have to come from inside.
See, we often change something on the outside, hoping something on the INSIDE will come along and change as well. What woman can't relate to coloring or cutting her hair after a life change (marriage, divorce, break up, baby, etc)? It doesn't make the change any easier. I mean, if you're unhappy about something, and then do something drastic, you're even LESS likely to be happy about it after a while.
But there are those changes that work from the outside and move inward. For example, ever smiled, even when you're having a bad day, and, at least for a little while, the day doesn't seem so bad?
So these changes will be a mixture of both of those tactics. Stay tuned for more.
Revelation of the week: The only changes that stick, are the ones that happen inside.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
A) My company let me know that they are definately moving towards moving my position to a "work-from-home" position! Score! I've asked to be kept in the loop. It would be nice if expanding my horizons didn't mean losing a job I've worked at for a number of years, but then again, if it means I have to step out of my comfort zone, then so be it.
B) I am attending the College of Disney Knowledge this week and getting myself all set up to work as a Travel Agent! It's completely home based, so I'm excited on what all this means. It may not be something I can sustain myself on, but I'm looking forward to getting things up and running.
Whew... so that's a lot!
About one more week until D-Day (Decision Day) regarding the move!
Wish me luck!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
So when Science Fiction movies come out, I'm usually all over 'em.
District 9 was no different. I got the chance to see it today and I must say... I am facinated.
I'm going to try to make this review as "spoiler free" as possible, but I can say a few things about it.
"Facinating" is the only word I can use to truly describe this firm. It's a Sci-Fi film that explores the depth of human nature and fear of the unknown.
At times, its gritty and raw and had me squirming. At other times, I was at the absolute edge of my seat. Other times, I felt the beginings of tears well up. Oddly enough, I can't blame my feelings on being a Sci-Fi geek. No one walked out of the theater without being moved in some way.
Now, you don't expect to be changed or move by a Sci-Fi film. They are usually just fun escapes from the grit of modern day reality. Only the best films stick with thier audience. Am I saying this is one of the best Sci-Fi films ever made? Hm... hard to say at this very moment. I'm still mulling it over.
But the fact that, hours later, I'm still mulling it over means one thing.
It's definately worth seeing.
That's my 2 cents.
If you've seen it, feel free to comment!
However, there have been so many options opening up so quickly that I'm not sure which ones to act on, and which ones to pass by. In praying for direction, I don't really feel a clear answer coming my way -
Then Sistah' Girl helped me look at it a different way. "What if you haven't received an answer because you'll be blessed no matter what road you take?" That stuck in my head, even after I slept on it.
Crossroads mean change.
Often we look to our compass for direction - whether it be the counsel of others, our spirituality, or another distinct direction.
So, what do we do when the path doesn't seem so clear? When oppurtunities abound, but there's no clear choice?
Revelation of the week: Even if you're on the right path, if you stand still, you'll still get run over.
I have a little over a week to settle on a course of action.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
If the officer/detective does his job right, I've relived that fateful night (as Leticia) three different ways, and had a realization of who my rapist actually was. Each session lasts about an hour, and there are 7 sessions.... so you get the basic, exhausting, rewarding idea.
Anyway, it's after nights like this that every emotional struggle I've been holding in usually gets the better of me. So night, the playlist includes all the recurring theme songs I've had over the last couple years. Why not look a couple of them up? They hit just about every genre imaginable (rap excluded).
"She Runs" - By Jimmy Wayne
"Beautiful Disaster" and We All Need Saving" by Jon McLaughlin
"Taking Changes" by Celine Dion
"Good Enough" by Darren Hayes
"Dissary" and "Broken" by Lifehouse
"Never Let Go" by Josh Groban w/ Deep Forest
"Seasons of Love" from Rent
"I'm Still Alive" by Meatloaf
"She Dances" by Josh Groban
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
So - with my "What are you waiting on?" motivation in mind, I began to wonder to myself, "What's in my Blue Sky Cellar?"
* Coordinating a team to finish the Everest Challenge in Disneyworld.
* Running the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror 13k.
- Conquering the Fall Race Challenge in one trip!
* (Since we're in my Blue Sky Cellar) One of these with my friends, family, and the man who will someday share a family with me- followed be a good, healthy honeymoon.
* Continue growing in my Disney fandom and inspiring those around me.
* Stay at the Animal Kingdom Lodge.
* Have a family.
* Traveling to different places around the world (Ireland, China, Japan, Fiji, England, Africa...)
* Acheiving Elphaba.
* Seeing every Disney park built...
* Write one hit song...
* Continue to write and be published on poetry, inspirational topics, or other topics I am passionate about.
Now, I can't do something about all of those things right this very instant, but everyday I can make one decision that will bring me closer to one of those!
So - what's in your Blue Sky Cellar?
I've already submitted my resume to several head hunters and I am preparing (with the love and support of my family) to dicuss alternative work arrangments with my current employer - to a point that would allow me more freedom in schedule and location.
So, how do we get past the fear that comes along with making changes?
We remind ourselves - "What's the worst thing that can happen?"
In my case, if I sit down and request alternate working arrangments, with an open heart and open, professional mind-set, what's the worst thing that can happen? Will I be eaten by wolves? Nope! So it can't be THAT bad, right?
Monday, August 17, 2009
So it's not much of a secret that I've been looking to move for a while, and I've been having trouble finding a place. Most of it is because I refuse to give up my dog.
I have a message to whoever put "Boxers" on the "Aggressive Breed" list:
HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET A BOXER?!
These are the dogs people often get because they appear intimidating, but their lovable nature usually ruins that illusion pretty quickly. Boxers are naturally really goofy, and while they may play rough, I've never heard of one attacking anyone (unless that dog was abused, but that can happen with all breeds).
Anyway, so Clydas and I are having trouble finding a new home, so we've been staying put for a while now. Financially, that's not really helping, so I have my resume out with several head hunters, and I have a couple of options. I definately need to give this acting thing a decent shot, so heading toward a theater mecca would be great for me. I'm trusting God's guidance here to put me where I'm needed. Closer to Disneyland would rock too, of course. We'll see what happens!
But as far as my dog being "aggressive", I'm proud to report that he isn't a submissive pee-er, has NEVER ruined (or even damaged) any property I've lived at, and is great with kids.
So I'd like to send a big fat rasberry to the idiot who decided that he is dangerous just because of his muscular build (or some negative experience they had as a child).
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
All I knew was there was an audition, and that I needed to get out of the house. So, after some writing and a bubble bath, I headed off the Patio Playhouse, one of the local community theaters.
They were holding what we in the biz call a "cold reading".
This is basically where they give you a peice of the script, tell you to read a character with other actors who are also in the same boat as you. It turns into a make-shift scene that's always a little crazy.
I was reading for Catherine Simms. She's described as "a spoiled, but introspective heiress." I didn't know any of that when I auditioned and they gave me her heart to read over and over again. I played her as a bit more of a stuck up, sarcastic style girl.
Oh well! It was fun! And another audition experience under my belt.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Well, to say "friends" is to put them both in the same category, and that's not exactly accurate.
One was quite honestly my first love. It helped set the tone for what would be (and wouldn't be) acceptable in future relationships. It also forced me to grow in so many ways, that I can't say I regret a moment of the sometimes wonderful, sometimes heartbreaking, but always growing relationship.
It taught me the value of a love letter.
It taught me what is, and isn't acceptable from a true partner.
It reinforced my innate tendency to dream big.
It helped grow my interest in sports.
It taught me that if a relationship is secret, it probably isn't one you should be in.
It taught me to open my mind to divergent points of view and styles.
Honestly, it helped me grow that invaluable steel backbone I have today.
Our pathes seemed to cross from time to time over the years that passed since that fateful freshman high school year where our on-again-off-again young romance finally fizzled out. I think it probably took us 10 years to have something to say to each other, other than "hi." (Did I mention that steel backbone can also be awefully stubborn?)
Anyway, with the past well behind us now, we've become facebook friends - and hopefully better friends as time goes on.
The other old friend that got married was one of my dearest friends for a number of years in growing up. Both being somewhat social outcasts, we were accepting of one another and had a unique understanding that I couldn't have needed more at that point in my life. Though we lost touch through much of high school when she moved away, and then when she went off to college, I couldn't be more proud of the woman she's grown in to. (Yes, the rumor is true...That kid you once made fun of really does grow up - and usually into a dazzling beauty!)
Anyway, I saw a photo of their wedding, and it was beautiful. Yes, we all knew each other growing up, and it's astonishing where those mixed up roads have brought us, years later. I would never have imagined they would have gotten together...and I would never have imagined myself having been married, and divorced, before either of them.
Now, as my friends go off, starting families of their own, I am reminded that - while I'm sometimes envious of their path in life - we all walk our own unique journeys. No one can walk them for us. Sometimes the weather is clear and the path is straight. Other times, it's foggy and difficult to find our way - but it is our own unique adventure and nonetheless valuable in it's own right. For me, that spot on my left hand is barren. For me, for now, the "family" under my roof is me and a 4 legged-perpetual toddler that's about to turn 5 this month .(Where does the time go?!) So, yeah, there's a little bit of an empty spot, but maybe right now, that's okay.
No two people have the same calling in life. Some are called to be pastors, others aren't. Some are called to be soliders while some are called to be entertainers. Some are called to be husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers, while some aren't. (Or, aren't yet.) Each journey is different and while it may not always be easy, I feel it's our job to seek out some measure of joy where ever our journey may lead us.
Afterall- marriage (like life) isn't the "destination". It's just a start of a different journey.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Last weekend, I got to see Wicked with my Sista' Girl. It was a GREAT experience. Wicked is one of those rare shows now-a-days that is worth every penny for orchestra seats. It actually, truly 100% lives up to all the hype.
Anyway, as we sat there at intermission, I talked about how the main character (Elphaba) is my dream role. I can truly identify with the passion by which that character lives her life (both in the book and in this more family-friendly production) and, hey, I've been the green kid! Well, okay. Not exactly green, but I've been the kid that saw things a little differently (and was heavier and more creative and passionate than most) and was ridiculed and outcast for it.
There is no denying that Elphaba's part is incredibly demanding. I would argue it's one of the most demanding roles in theater today. In fact, it probably IS the most demanding female role in theater today. But it's my dream role - and even more attractive because it's hard.
After chatting about it for a while, she said the 5 words that have stuck in my mind from that moment on...
"What are you waiting for?"
It's a simple wisdom, but is absolutely right on. What am I waiting on? The only thing I can think of to answer sounds ridiculous - A partner. Towing the rope of paying all the bills, taking care of the everyday household stuff, AND trying to make it as a musical theater leading lady sounds incredibly daunting.
So, I'm waiting on support from some mythical person?
But you know what? I know that I'm never happier than when I'm on stage. (Okay- PERHAPS I'm happier watching the fireworks in Disneyland with the right company, but I digress.) I know it will mean missing family vacations and possibly even holidays. It will mean that vacations are hard to come by. It will mean that I will be tired - A LOT. It will mean that I will have to take the best care I can of my body, my appearance, and I'll have to work hard to acquire a skill that I'm not very confident in (dancing).
And, yes, it's a frightening change.
But as I started packing up dishes last night that I really don't need, I realized something.
Revelation of the week: The scary part isn't taking the action. It's admitting what you were waiting on - was you.
Afterall, courage isn't the absence of fear. It's pushing through even though you're scared.
So... what are you waiting on?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Many people I know are unemployed and having to start their financial lives in the red. Tragedy has struck others. Some have health issues as well, mostly brought on by somewhat unaviodable stress.
What I've learned?
Sometimes, when we have to dig deep to support and love others, we're reminded just how charmed our own lives are. And that is something to be grateful for today.
I'm still not sure what the future holds. Should I take a year off the "secure" office job world to persue my dreams while it's just me with no responsibilities? Should I relax into the location I'm at in life? Should I plan a move and shake things up with a whole new start in a new venue? Hm... Lots of options are out there and I'm currently a bit indecisive.
But still, that undying hope and unshakeable feeling of overall wellness, peace, and contentment, owns more and more of me, and the doubt, self-pity, and depression slinks away into the ever decreasing shadows.
Whatever happens, I just know that everyone will be "okay". I'm not sure what "okay" means exactly, but I find some solace in knowing that things will work out for the best - however they pan out.