Yesterday I did a LOT of walking (well, for me). By 5pm, my FitBit was telling me I'd walked 3.66 miles and climbed about 19 stairs. Not bad for someone who sits on her butt until it's numb at work all day. (I'm starting to resent having a desk job...)
On my final walk home, I realized that I've been doing a lot of things through my life to "prove something" to "someone". Usually, it's to prove I'm 'worth it'. That made me channel my inner Mitra (Bon Bon, you know what I mean by that!) and ask myself some insightful questions. See, I was in therapy with an amazing therapist post-divorce and SO much of that has stuck with me, I am so glad to have hooked up with my therapist and to have taken the time to heal some deeper issues that needed attention. So, I channeled Mitra again and walked with some good questions -
"What are you trying to prove?"
That I'm worthy of someone else's time, attention, love, admiration, etc.
"Is this really ever achievable?"
No. I can't control how people feel about me. I can only control how I see myself.
"Why don't you feel like you're worthy of someone's time and attention?"
Because I struggle to see my own worth sometimes, so I keep trying to earn validation from others subconciously.
And that's what we call "a break through" people! But it gets better.
The real epiphany -
"What would it feel like to NOT have to prove anything to anyone and to just be you?"
I didn't answer it, with words. I just let myself sit with the feeling of burgeoning joy for a minute before I found the word I was looking for.
By the time I came home, I was finally feeling inspired. It's not really something that happened completely instanteously. Looking back, I see how I've been leading up to this realization for a while now. But in that walk, it finally clicked.
I WANT to take care of my body again. Sure, working out is "hard", but I'm not doing it for a weight, or a number, or a dress size, or a "look". I'm doing it because I like the way I feel. I'm doing it to celebrate the skin I'm in. I'm doing it to enjoy even more of what life and nature has to offer, even longer.
To my surprise, I'm handling all the stresses going on (both cars breaking down, financial stress of buying property, my dad's mysterious illness, regular work/everyday stress...) with more grace than I ever thought I'd be capable of. I'm not feeling drained or worn down by it. I'm automatically finding the positives, solving the problems, and moving on.
Recalling the lessons I learned post divorce have made my life, and my relationships, stronger. Because when I'm at my best, I can enjoy being present with everyone around me. When I'm focusing on "being strong" or 'being there" or anything other than just 'being', I'm distracted from the blessings that are presented to me every moment. That's part of why I'm blogging less. I'm writing MORE. I'm reading MORE. I'm getting enough rest. I'm working out. I'm eating right.
And I'm reaping the benefits. I'm patting myself on my back right now. It's going to take some time, and continued "check ins" with myself to make sure I'm following my heart rather than doing what I think I need to prove I'm worth a damn.
...And I'm writing my inner Mitra a check for some bubble bath and a book time. Everybody deserves a reward - because I'm worth it!