Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Welcome July!

As I walked in my house Monday night and was met by the stench of dishes I haven't gotten to yet (dishwasher?! What's that?), something I'd been thinking lately was reenforced.

I need to SLOW DOWN.

Now, those of you that know me personally know I thrive on staying busy. I'm good at it. I can fill my time like nobody's business. Especially when it comes to taking care of people I care about. (I'd like to think I'm good at taking care of them too, but they'd be a better judge of that.)

I really haven't had much down time since June 18th. This past weekend, I had a great time in Disneyland, followed up yesterday by an evening at the San Deigo County Fair. At no time since the 18th have I been to bed before midnight. And when Clydas gets me up at 5:30am every morning like clockwork, that makes for a very short night. (How I survived working 8 hours shifts on 4 hours of sleep a few years back in my "kareoke every night" phase, I'll never know.)

So I'm going to have to tweak my schedule a bit and make sure I'm making adquate time for working out, meditation, and resting.

It's amazing how easy it is to forget about taking care of ourselves sometimes!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

What happened?!

There must be something in the water.

So many of my friends are losing loved ones to death, break-ups, and divorce right now. It makes me wonder "What happened?"

What happened to growing old with someone?
What happened to going out of your way to show someone you love them, just because you want to?
What happened to truely sharing your heart with someone?
When did all that go out of fashion?
When did high walls and defensiveness take the place of compassion and understanding?

I do understand that sometimes things end, and it truly is for the best. When there is an unrecognized addiction, unwillingness to change or listen to a loved ones heart, or other unmanagable circumstance...

But what ever happened to the art of mutual compromise? More often than not, I see one person putting in all the effort and getting steamrolled by their partner when they express an unfulfilled need in return. Though no one person can fill every need, every long term relationship takes work. Marriage takes the most work - but it only works if both partners realize that change is inevitable, growth is necessary, and quitting is not an option. Relationships are not "power plays" to see who has the most or who can control who. They are a mutual meeting of minds and hearts.

But when I get most discouraged, I turn to music. As many songs as there are about broken hearts and love gone bad, there are a thousand more seeking to express what I think everyone wants to find in a life partner.

One of those songs is coupled below with one of Disney's most intense love stories. (*Disclaimer: Yes, I know it's historically inaccurate. IT'S A CARTOON, not a history lesson.)

With all that in mind - I still refuse to give up hope. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's being stubborn. I refuse to believe that loving someone forever is impossible. I refuse to believe that the next man to offer up his heart to me on the marriage bed - will inevitably shatter it.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Life is the Greatest Adventure

"The journey is the reward." - Chinese Proverb

Life is a journey. The road isn't always clear. It's constantly under construction. There are detours and pot holes. There are times where we need to call AAA because our vehicle has broken down beyond repair and we can no longer move forward. It's in those times we learn about grace, humility, and graditude.

Yes, I see life as a great adventure. I see those we love as our fellow adventurers.

This was captured beautifully in "Up"
(Spoiler Alert!)
Yes, it's a cartoon, but if you watch it all the way to the end, it'll provide a little window into this adventurer's heart.
While some adventurers will never settle down -
Ellie and I had the same view on life.
Everyday, no matter how mundane it may seem
is it's own adventure.
"I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race [is] not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." - Ecc. 9:11

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A lighter side blog... "Drag me to Hell"

Saw this movie last night and it was probably would be more aptly titled "How much gross stuff can we pour into this poor actresses mouth before she breaks her contract?" That aspect was getting humorous after awhile, I have to admit!

Overall, I miss movies where the bad guys lose and the good guys win. I guess Hollywood sees a need to make things more "realistic", where there are no good and bad guys distinctly, but I miss that in a movie. Even Disney's latest release, "Up" seems tainted by it. Movies aren't supposed to be real. But, I'll admit, it was a decent distraction for a while... which was what I needed after spending a day cooped up in the house.

Today, my shoulder still aches, but I'm coping. It'll get better. Things have to get better.

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Missing List and other weekend lessons

Ever have times that you expect to be miserable, but somehow they turn into unexpected good times?

This weekend started for me with cleaning out my car Friday night. I found a bunch of little thing that I hadn't really been looking for, but had warmed my heart. From the random small card give to me by someone who loves me very much, to a few marbles that got lost from the kids who used to occupy my backseat on a fairly regular basis. All of it made me smile. (And I know - those of you that know me are probably wondering, what possessed me to clean out my car, but I'm working on moving and it's MUCH easier to do when you're just generally less cluttered.)

I also got a call Friday night from a great friend who was in need of a little girl talk. You know, the kind where we talk about the men we love? So we started the "Missing List". We bounced back and forth the things we miss about them. It was definately a "warm fuzzy" experience - but a suprising one as well. Some of the things I realized I miss, were some of the things that absolutely drove me up the wall. (For example, it would take him a while to lace up his boots and sometimes I grew impatient with it, but what did I miss? The sound of his boots on the floor when he'd come over late at night.) It was an interesting hour+ talk.

I'll admit, come Saturday afternoon, I was feeling tired, worn down, and a bit full of rejection. BUT...

I found two great apartment options this weekend that accept my dog (after numerous rejection calls)! So I'm excited about those possibilities as well. Living simply has always appealed to me, so I'm really hopeful I can get a roommate quickly and get on to the financial wellness I've been working on.

I also took my car in for a LONG overdue service. Turns out I need new front brakes, but they'll last me until payday. I also have 2 punctures in my tire, but the place I bought the tires from will patch it for free. While I was waiting for the car though - I was browsing around this shop and I found a bumper sticker with a fairy on it that said "Believe." Why did it stand out to me? Despite the fact that I am attracted to fantasy things, the fairy looked like me! That DOESN'T happen! I thought "Hmm...."

I also went out to coffee with an old friend that was in town. It's been over 10 years since we've seen each other, but it was like yesterday. It's great to have those friends. After an encouraging night of girl talk on Saturday, we decided to go to church on Sunday together.

Sunday came, and aside from running some errands, I learned something about life from fixing a drain in my bathroom. (I know, weird huh?!) So I was getting rid of a clog when I realized that th cover of a disposable razor was the real cultrit of the shower clog! I tried several different ways to drag it out, but the one way that worked? Instead of pulling it, I got my finger down and dirty and under it, and pushed instead. With the support of my finger right under it, it slid right up. I couldn't help but see the theme... from my talks with my girl friends, I was reminded how we all need someone in the trenches with us when things get bad, rather than someone standing on the outside. Afterall, that's what God does for us Christians. He's right down there in the trenches with us when things really suck and offers His firm foundation to help push us up, if only'll we'll trust in it and have faith. It's a delicate balance, but support comes from being in there with us, not being outside. Lesson learned.

Anyway, the car got cleaned, Father's day cards were bought, and my friend and I joined up to go to church.

Now, I do believe everything happens for a reason, and recently, I needed a wake up call. I had stepped away from my faith a lot, but oddly enough my Christian sisters and been brought into my life more in my time of pain. Through the book I'm currently reading, "Wilderness Skills for Women", and conversations with a bunch of people, I've realized that I need to go back to church.

So I haven't been back in about six months. When things weren't working out the way I wanted them to in my life, I kinda deep down gave God the finger. I know we all do it from time to time in our lives. But going back felt great. Being there to worship was awesome, but I was expecting it to be a "quiz night" (which is a fun q&a the pastor does with the congregation after he's finished a series he's preeching on).

But it wasn't. For this service, the paster had taken off (he'd done them the rest of the services, I believe) and an associate pastor was preeching in his place...

Instead of a quiz night, what did he preech about?

Using examples from Romans and Job, he pointed out that God doesn't ask our permission for moving in our lives. He just does. Doesn't mean we can't ask Him questions, but when things don't happen in OUR time frame, we get mad.

So I left realizing that I can rationalize all my insecurities with men and the future, but in the end, all that means is that I really deep down don't trust that God's got it. He's got it all worked out and is in the trenches with me when times get tough. It's a lesson I think He's been trying to send me for MONTHS, but I hadn't really taken it to heart until last night.

This morning, though I called in sick since my shoulder is really killing me, I am finding that new perspective bringing me courage to step into the unknown, with my plans only in pencil. Afterall - tomorrow isn't promised. But it is a gift.

Oh yeah - and I stepped on the scale this morning and I'm down 3lbs from last week. ;)

Friday, June 12, 2009

Discovering I am very Human

Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of Jon McLaughlin’s first and second albums. And, as I’ve stumbling through a wilderness a bit, I realize that I have a lot to learn about relationships.

I think I’ve transcended “hopeless incurably romantic” and gone right headfirst into becoming a “romantic fatalist”. Looking around me, I see lots of long married couples and I notice one thing. Not that they are terribly romantic (though they have their moments), but they tend to be pretty different people. Yin and Yang, so to speak. But in their differences, there is an undercurrent of respect and trust, that no-doubt took a LONG time to build. Alas, in entering my 30’s, I find myself inpatient. But maybe that has been my biggest mistake. You can’t rush love just like you can’t rush life. I’m finding the deeper understanding of “What will be, will be” and “nothing good ever comes easy”. I’m realizing that lately I’ve been a lot about “me”, which doesn’t leave a lot of room to be a caring, considerate, understanding team player. It’s a scar that I, admittedly, didn’t expect to become a problem since my divorce – but I suppose everyone goes through phases in their lives, and sometimes those are fairly selfish phases. I guess I can say I feel as though I’ve been putting the wrong emphasis on the right syllable.

I get it now.

Pray for strength, and God will give you opportunities to grow your strength and meet that challenge. Pray for patience, and God will give you opportunities to wait. Pray for courage – and God will give you a chance to face your fears. What we make of those opportunities? Well, that’s up to us.


By: Jon McLaughlin
Can you tell me how we got in this situation?
I can’t seem to get you off my mind.
All these ups and downs
They trip up our good intentions
Nobody said this was an easy ride.

After all, we’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurt instead of Healing
After all, we’re only human
Is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’
After all

Can we get back to the
Point in this conversation
When we saw things through each other’s eyes?
‘Cause now all I see is ruin and devastation
We all need someplace we can hide inside

After all, we’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurt instead of Healing.
After all, we’re only human
Is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’
After all

I’m smart enough to know
That life goes by
And it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind
If you feel I’m letting go
Just give me time
I’ll come running to your side.

Can you tell me how we got in this situation

I can’t seem to get you off my mind
‘Cause after all
We’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurt instead of healing
After all we’re only human

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Nothing more than feelings...

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

That's a lot of what I've been contemplating. Ways I could be kinder, more compassionate, more open, more understanding, and most of all - ways I could listen to God more.

Yes, I'm a Christian, but yes, like all of us, I have a tendency to shut my ears until He rips 'em open again. Today, I got down on my knees for the first time in probably a year.

And ya know what?

It felt great.
Thanks LOML.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Blogging? What's the point?

"So, why do you blog? You write A LOT!"

First off, I blog as a writing excersize.

Second off, I blog to share. As my friend Bon Bon once said on her myspace, "Be kinder than necessary for everyone is fighting some sort of battle." Talking about the battles we fight (and how we cope with them) can help someone else out. You never know who is having the same (or similiar) struggle.

Third, I blog to express part of myself. Each of my blogs express a little peice of who I am. This blog is pretty generic and gives me a space to express whatever is on my mind. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's not. But there is only a certain amount of vulnerability I make available for general consumption here. This isn't really intended to be an absolute record of what's going on in my mind/heart/life. I do believe everyone has a level of privacy that is healthy and normal. There are some things that are just ment to be between me and God, ya know?

Fourth, I blog to WRITE! There is nothing worse for a singer/songwriter/author than writers' blog. Not everything I write is intended to be profound. Sometimes I write just to remind myself that it really isn't so scary, not matter how many (or few) people read it.

I'm a big fan of journaling. I think re-reading these those things can give us true insight into ourselves and some of our relationships. For example, from re-reading my journals from before I got married, I saw all the red flags that back then, I chose to ignore. (I use "chose to ignore" because obviously I was aware of the issue at hand - I wrote it down.) Hind-sight is 20/20. And there is nothing quite like a handwritten journal -rather than the Doogie Howser style listed here. It's a legacy you leave behind for those that love you enough to want to know that intimate part of you.

So that's why I blog. Mystery solved.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

"Under pressuah"....

"People are like stained-glass windows.
They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in,
their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."
- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

So there's a good deal of stress going around today. We're waiting on some pretty big changes at work and I'm waiting on pins and needles to find out if I'll be able to find a roommate for me and Clydas to move in with! I have a couple of options right now, and I'm doing my best to stay focused on the positive (having options is a GOOD thing), rather than focus on the stress of bills, upcoming random expenses, and all the changes that are going on. Change is a good, healthy thing. Even changes that don't go our way are learning experiences. But that doesn't mean that change isn't also scary.

In the interest of staying postive, I'll blog about the good things I have going on:

*Disneyland trip on Sunday with friends! I plan on flying solo for a while to decompress myself, but it'll be great to get out with Gerber Baby's parents, and decompress for a while. Thank god for friends with gas money.

*I have a job! And despite any changes that may happen here, we're not in danger of shutting down or anything, which is a reliefe.

*My new column for Celeberations Magazine is DONE and "in the can", ready for editing and layout for the next issue! Sista' Girl also gave me some great ideas of what she'd like to read about next time, so I'm mulling them over. As much as I complain and procrastinate, I'm actually pretty proud of the fact that I'm still writing in a publication that is seeing a ton of great growth! It's really changed my persepective on Disney, but I still know how to 'check out' from the 'work' aspects of it and enjoy myself as a kid again.

*I have amazing supportive friends. While many of them are not able to grab a cup of coffee (well, tea in my case) at a moments notice, they are just a phone call away. And for that, I'm grateful. They remind me to, in true Dory style, to "just keep swimming" and things are bound to get better. If there is one garuntee in life, it's that it's always changing.

*Parental funding! Okay, so I am very independent, but it really helps out right now that my parents are helping with my Medifast. I recently put in an order that should have me set up for AT LEAST a month. To those unfamiliar with the program - that basically means that I only have to keep veggies and food on had for dinners. Since my tummy is getting smaller, that means I don't have to spend much on 'consumables' right now. That's wonderfully helpful.

*I have an Ipod! Okay, so that may not seem like a super positive point, but honestly, listening to Disney podcasts helps me keep my spirits up. It reminds me of the reason we Disney fans often give in to our inner Polly Anna a bit more than the average Joe. As Lou Mongello says at the end of his podcasts - "Keep Moving Forward." That was something Walt Disney believed in strongly, and it's very helpful.

Tough, stressful times definately make you grateful for the people who support ya!

Alright - it's back to work for me!
(Sale stuff added later)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

For Sale!

I'm going to start posting links to my ebay/amazon sale items at the bottom of my blogs. It's a VERY small list right now, but it's going to grow! If you're not interested, please just zip by. If you are, place a bid! :)

Wedding gown
Magic Cards
Text books

Monday, June 1, 2009

On the verge of a move...

So while I've loved living alone, I will say that it's not terribly cost effective... That being said, I may be moving in with a roommate soon!

This will mean SIGNIFICANT downsizing (I don't believe in indefinate storage unit use). I've already started to throw some of my "clutter" up on Ebay, and I'll definately be adding links to the posts to this blog over time.

I guess that's when it dawns on me that I have a good deal of "stuff"! Some of it is very useful, but much if it is just that - "stuff". For example, I have FEVEN candle sconces. SEVEN! Granted, they are all very decorative (and useful) in their positioning around my house, but I couldn't possibly NEED this many. Geesh! Those will be seeing E-bay as soon as I can get batteries for my camera!

If anyone has been scoping out something of mine - let me know! I'm willing to bargain on a few items!