Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A good day

Yesterday, I'll be honest, stunk.
Someone really managed to push my button, hurt my feelings and make me so angry that I was up until about 3am on Monday...Couple hurt feelings with no physical way to work out the frustration due to my recovery, and I was stewing and pre-occupied all day. But I decided last night that today was going to be different. Today was going to be a good day.

And so far, that's held true! With the day almost 1/2 way over, I suspect it'll continue that way.

So here's the good of the day!
*Got a comment on my last blog about my peircings! It makes my day since cleaning them and laying on them is a bit uncomfortable, and it'll be a process for the next 12 weeks. I've decided they look like they've always been there on me, and that's a good thing. I don't wear earings very often, but I can see myself wearing these all the time.

*Got on the scale and I'm FINALLY back to to my pre-surgery weight! It's taken 2 weeks for all the swelling, water weight, and inflammation to go down. This also surprised me since I had a serious sweet tooth at Disneyland on Sunday. But yesterday I was so ticked off, I hardly ate - so maybe it evened out? (yeah - right!)

*I have several need roommate nibbles! My temporary roomie will be out the end of this month, and the lady I had lined up hasn't gotten back to me for weeks, so I'm assuming she's out of the picture. Thankfully, I've been able to get some pretty great Craigslist hits this time around, so I'm feeling pretty peaceful about having a roomie by the time rent is due.

*I got rid of the ants that attacked Clydas' dog food. Yeah! I'm on the 2nd floor, so insects like ants are rarely a problem, but these guys must have been REALLY hungry.

*Work has been pretty productive today.

Speaking of work, I better get back to it!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Sleeping with Steel

Maybe I needed a change.

Maybe I'm the type of girl who can't just try a new cut or color when she needs to adjust her look.

Maybe I'm getting a little more edgy in my old age.

Maybe I'm getting some extra courage.

Maybe I was completely impulsive.

Maybe I'm addicted to pain and things peircing my skin after the last few months of getting them on the regular from the MD's offices.

But I have some new steel.

I can't say sleeping on my side is any more confortable, but maybe that's for the best for now.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

A little dose of inspiration.

I started this morning off with an impromptu Starbucks brain storming session with my temporary roomie. Though I didn't expect to run into him, we had a great talk and came up with the brain child of auditioning for America's Got Talent. It was probably the best way to start off my early morning. A walk with the dog down to Starbucks. A Venti Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte, and some great brain storming.

Yesterday,  BonBon talked about starting an Adventure Book (ala Up) and getting out of some stinkin' thinkin'. I've been pulling out of it for a while, but that thought has been marinating in my mind for a while. As I look around my office/bedroom, I remember how great it felt to make my ShadowBoxes for my races and my latest show.
In fact, when I'm most depressed, I can say that my life is lacking one thing.


As much as I complain about my life lacking romance, I don't think it's really "romance" that has something to do with it. It's really inspiration. I often equate the two because I feel MOST inspired when lost in some romantic notion, but really the power of creation and inspiration to change my thinking isn't linked to any one person or any one thing.

So here's to plugging some more inspiration into my life! Most of it will have to take the place of things I can do at home for a while. I'm still healing and my budget is still tight, but that shouldn't restrict my creative abilities. ;) Time to make room for a little more inspiration. ;)

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Not knocking love - for a change.

I'm a die hard, stone cold, hopelessly incurable romantic.

But even the most optomistic romantic has their hiccups and lately - it's been one big hiccup. Just when I see a glimmer of hope on the relationship horizon, it's been snuffed out just as quickly. As my roommate so eloquently put it last night, "She attracts these really nice-well connected guys that just don't have their lives together." He's not the first person to say it - and honestly, I can't really argue too much with that one. I have a history of choosing the most complicated situations. However, I've come to believe that everyone is complicated - just different complications. There are just complications we live with - and complications we can't. Deciding between the two is part of the fun and painful process called "dating".

Just when I've decided to throw the towel in and do something crazy (like enroll in a convent) - an example of simple, uncomplicated, pure love comes along that reminds me that some things are worth fighting (and waiting) for.

So I wanted to share this blog with you. ThatDisneyGirl wrote a great post about her husband for his birthday.  It reminded me of all the times in my life I've been inspired to write a list of reasons why my current Mr.Wonderful is so awesome.

See guys -
Women, as you know, talk about EVERYTHING!
The good AND the bad.
That means if you send your woman flowers or do something small and sweet and thoughtful and awesome, she'll tell her friends! (Conversly, if you do something bone-headed, thoughtless, and inconsiderate, she'll tell her friends.)
So why not make sure you fill that bank with positive things whenever possible? Taking out the trash is a positive. Making her smile on a bad day is a positive. Knowing how best to enable her dreams is a positive. Doing something thoughtful is a positive.
The positive always will outweigh the boneheaded, if you keep that bank full enough. ;)

So enjoy this re-blogged post, check out ThatDisneyGirl's link above, and remind those you love why you love them.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Back! Sort of...

It's amazing what they can do with super glue these days.

My belly is currently a great example of that. I've only found 1 stitch. The rest of the 5+ incisions were all closed with Dermabond (aka human super glue).

First off, my nurses were WONDERFUL. I made sure I thanked them and I let the ones who needed to poke me know that this was my first surgery, and they treated me with a little extra TLC.

Another thing I am grateful for is that they took me in early. No sitting around and waiting with building anxiety. I kept myself busy Monday morning by touching up some articles for Celebrations Press (I write their Disneyland column) and tying up some loose ends at work so I could take some time off. Once they took me into pre-op, I didn't spend much time laying around waiting. Things started happening quickly, but everyone made sure I understood what was going on, what they were giving me, etc. (Admittedly, having a bit of a medical background, I understood what was going to happen, but having it happen to ME was a whole different story.)

Best case Scenerio:
Right laparoscopic cystectomy - They would get in there with a scope and just remove the large cyst and the mass.

Most Likely Scenerio:
Right Laparoscopic Oopherectomy - They would go in with a scope and remove the right ovary all together.

Least desirable scenerio:
Exploratory Laparotomy - They would open up fully and go in and look at all other organs involved in the disease process.

What actually happened:
Most Likely Scenerio Plus.

They took out the right ovary all together, and did some exploring with the scope through the belly and through the "hoo-ha".

Aside from the removal of the diseased organ (which had become an endometrial mass/cyst producing organ rather than an egg producing organ), everything looked great. Left ovary looked healthy, as did all surrounding structures. Yeah! I don't get the final pathology for a couple weeks, but the MD seemed very confident that he got it all - which makes me more relieved than I can say.

Complications:I had some trouble breathing during the surgery, so they needed to stick a tube down my throat. This has complicated things by giving me an ear infection that I am only now getting treatment for. But it's just made me a little more dizzy than I expected to be at this point.
I'm still having some bleeding. Due to the nature of these procedures, it's hard to tell what is "monthly" bleeding and what is post-surgical bleeding, but the upside is that none of it is heavy enough to really be too much of an issue.

So yes, I'm alive. And it's looking like CANCER FREE!

There was a bit more news, but I won't know too much about that for about 6 months -1 year regarding how all this MAY effect my PCOS. We'll see!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

And so it starts.

I've been through the pre op counseling.

I've had my blood drawn AGAIN.

I've peed in a cup AGAIN (though I find it laughable that they even bother testing for pregnancy - last I checked, immaculate conception hasn't happened for I-Don't-Know-How-Many years).

I've signed the paperwork.

I even have a nifty little orange plastic bracelet on my arm coded to the blood bag I might need for a transfusion.

I watched them put the "Allergy Alert" sticker on my chart.

They've slotted me for about 3 hours on Monday afternoon at the hospital. Assuming all goes as planned, I can go home that night.

Clydas is taken care of by my a friend of mine who is down on his luck and is staying with me for a while. (SO grateful for that peace of mind.)

Now all that's left to do is a clear liquid diet tomorrow, something they call "bowel prep" (which means drinking some nasty solution until your colon runs clear - ew!), and check-in.

Oh yeah, and sleep is somewhere in there.

So down to the hourly count down.

I've yet to really sit down and cry about all this. I'll admit to having my tearful moments where I've wanted to give in to the fear of the "What-if-it's-Cancer" and all that. But I know that none of that will change anything. I'm hopeful and optomistic, but I'm also a realist that understands that sometimes life just doesn't make sense.
So I won't be blogging for a while, probably until next week. Many apologies!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Answer to "So, How are you feeling?"

Quote of the blog: “When there’s an elephant in the room introduce him.”

– Randy Pausch
Today I've been asked about 4 times how I'm feeling. I really don't mind answering, but I wish I had more exotic or dramatic answer for you. It's such a broad question.

How am I feeling?

I usually start with the obvious answer: "Doing okay." or "I'm doing fine today." I realize that "fine" and "okay" have been redefined for me this past year. My "okay"  and "fine"  means, I'm awake, I still fit into my jeans so I'm not any more bloated than normal, and I'm not in any pain. Just tired and bloated.  "Fine"  emotionally means I'm not crying in a corner or feeling so out of control irritable that I can't handle it. (I've learned over the past 4 years that I can handle a lot more than I ever imagined on the emotional front.) "Okay" financially means I can afford a cup of tea at Barnes and Noble, but I won't be springing for dinner with friends anytime soon.

To expand upon that -
 My finances are coming under control. It's taken some hard work, but I keep reminding myself to just work my plan because it is working!  But financially I'll have to get back on my feet ASAP. My boss today expects about a week of recovery time. I can't afford to be out of work that long, and disability won't cover that short of a time frame, so I HAVE to be back at work full time as soon as I possibly can. That's my biggest financial concern right now.
 My emotions are a bit complicated right now. I do my best to live in the moment, not really set my heart on anything too far out of reach right now, and I try my best to ignore or make friends with the elephant in the room. I have the love and support of family and friends. I'm more worried about how I'm going to take care of my dog post-surgery (we live upstairs and he needs to be walked) than much of anything else.
  My physical state is the most complicated. I go in to have that problematic ovary removed on July 12th. I am tired all the time, and I'm sure stress has a lot to do with that. It takes a lot of effort to ignore the elephant in the room. The elephant is the possibility of ovarian cancer. I won't feel completely relaxed about that until I see a benign pathology report in my hot little hands. The bloating is from some sort of disease process going on down there. I drink a LOT of water and work out daily to try to keep it all as under control as possible, but there is only so much fluid flushing that helps. Weight loss is something I've always struggled with. I've had PCOS since I was a teen and that can make weight loss frustratingly difficult. But I'm plugging away. I make friends with the elephant when I decide to think about the possibilities (good and bad) and make plans for all possible outcomes. Having a plan makes me feel better.
  Overall, I'm hopeful (down right determined) to control what I can and let the rest go.

So that's the latest.

Now... where did I put my running shoes?