My Namesake aka Things are a little scary!

I was named after the Bionic Woman and today is one of those days when I can almost feel her influence.

Today I:

• Woke up at 9am to walk the dog. My Sailor was still sleeping after a 4am shift brought him home late.
• Cooked breakfast. I didn't say made breakfast because, to me, that just involves pouring milk on cereal or water on instant oatmeal. (I attribute so much of my weight loss success to actually making the time to cook breakfast, rather than starting off the day feeling rushed.) Turkey bacon in scrambled egg whites with diced mini peppers, 1/2 a bagel w/ local honey, hot chocolate (swiss miss w/ my own twist- added unsweetened vanilla almond milk and sugar free cinnamon vanilla syrup), and fresh strawberries. Accompanied it all with a small glass of not-from-concentrate OJ. Sound good? That's pretty much an average daily breakfast around the house. (Occasionally I'll resort to making breakfast (instant plain steel cut oats with brown sugar and cinnamon added at the last moment, and a cup of Chobani greek Yogurt, and a peice of fruit), but that's not as common. It's MUCH higher in calorie and not as healthful - more sugar and less fiber.)
• Worked a 12 hour day. (Which is a VERY long time to be staring at books and screens.)
• Walked the dog 4 times.
• Did the MOUNTAIN of laundry that was piling up.
• Did the Dishes.
• Took out the recycling
• Stuck to healthy foods throughout the day.
• Worked out on my lunch/dinner break.
• Wrote this blog
• Brainstormed Valentine's plans

Here it is, 1 am, and I'm considering going to the produce store (which is about an hour and 1/2 adventure) since we're out of fruit and running REALLY low on veggies. But on the off chance I'd pass out in the car, I should probably just stay home, and fold the laundry and put it away so it doesn't sit in the baskets forever.

I'm REALLY good at being busy!

Now on to other things -
  I'm actually really surprised how well I'm taking the 3rd (yes, 3rd) rescheduling of our wedding date. Most women would probably flip out - even one in my position. But I'm not. It'll give us some extra time to save up some more money, and I'll be able to take my time on some projects I was going to do for the wedding anyway. We'll also be able to focus on that new house thing WHICH, for the record, SCARES ME TO DEATH!

See, my experience with purchasing real estate isn't good. In the early 2000's my then-husband and I purchased a condo. I was SO excited to have "our own place", though I do remember being more afraid to buy the place than I was to get married! In hindsight, I should have listened to that fear, but live and learn. Anyway, we bought over-paid for the apartment/condo conversion. It ran us about $260k. My folks gave us money to help w/ closing costs and the real estate agents and the lenders convinced us that we could afford $2200/month. Gulp. Our plan at the time was to turn a profit within 5 years. Well, that would have been impossible. Even if the marriage had lasted another 5 years (it lasted 1 1/2 I think after that purchase), we would NEVER have turned a profit. Turned out they screwed up the electrical and, in the long run, the neighborhood never really turned around the way it had appeared to start. In the end, we agreed to try to short sell it. Didn't work out, so both my ex and I got slammed w/ a foreclosure on our credit records. Now that was some years ago (and the same condos now sell for $85k... yeah, ouch...), and it should be off my credit report any day now, but still...

I realize that I may really struggle with trust. I mean, I do trust that all things work together for good in the end. But there are still things that make me quiver in my boots and the thought of not being able to keep a roof over my head on my own is one of them. See, I've worked every since I was a teenager. I can't remember ever being out of a job. In fact, most of my adult life I've worked more than one job at a time. That doesn't mean I'm rolling in dough, but it does mean that I don't have to  financially lean on anyone 99.8% of the time (my folks have helped me out here and there over the years). Since I never really learned to trust anyone else (in my adult life) to provide for me, I am freaked out about knowing that someday, when My Sailor and I have a family, I'll be leaning on him in a financial sense more and more. I don't think I'll ever stop working. It's just not in me. My "work" may change from my current day job to writing (still working on that novel), but I'll never stop working for an actual paycheck.

I'm actually surprised by the stomach-turning fear I have of big purchases and especially of buying property. I'm aware that experience has taught me that I might not be able to keep it - but experience has also taught me that I'm going to be okay no matter what happens in my life. I know My Sailor and I aren't going to split up when we buy property. The two (buying property and divorce) aren't linked one bit in my mind - and that's reassuring.

But I find myself becoming more and more grateful for this oppurtunity to face down my fear - and, with some faith, trust, good planning, and pixie dust - prove them unnecessary. Even the Bionic Woman was afraid sometimes, but all of her parts got her through - so I'm sure her namesake will come out on top of this one too.

A peice on Phantom Pain

As most of my regular readers know (ye brave, ye few), I had "righty" (my right ovary) removed in the summer of 2010. In so many ways, it was a refreshing experience. On a personal level, I got to see how people handle their own fears. I got to see how I handle mine in a situation that could have turned deadly. And I got to see who was really in the trenches with me, and who couldn't be.

5 days post-op in Disneyland with Gerber Baby Family. Like my wheels?

 I'm about a year and a half out from that and I'm finally understanding some of the strange experiences I have now because of the surgery.

It actually started yesterday, and I didn't want to believe it. Thinking I was just exhausted from working such long hours and generally stressed, I thought I'd "sleep it off". Well, today, there is no mistaking it. After a little research, I'm convinced.

There is such a thing as phantom pain. I mean, I assumed it was true for limbs, but missing organs? Apparently the scar tissue can tighten and swell because your body is still designed to vascularize each ovary, depending on what internal schedule your body is on. Apparently it's been "lefty"s turn for a while and now it's "righty's" turn. Only "righty" checked out of hotel body a few years ago, and now the body is going, "What the (fill-in-explative-of-choice-here)?!".  It's not as bad as I felt when I still had the tiny ball of disease growing in there, but it doesn't exactly make me want to get up and move around today.

But I've never let a little thing like pain keep me indoors, and today is no different! It's my first day off after four 10-12 hour days! I plan to enjoy it. I slept in for a good chunk of the day, and now I'm headed to take a shower, get dressed and head to a movie! And yes, I plan on starting the new year off right. I'll be walking to the movie theater and back. It's the first day of the new year!

New Years eve dinner - chicken and barley soup, spinach salad, and steamed veggies

I ended the new year on a healthy note, and I plan on starting off this one the same way and keeping it going. I weigh less at the end of this year, than I did at the end of last year! I plan on hitting my birthday in a few weeks in 1-derland, and I plan to stay there.

So there that's how I'm starting off 2012 - learning something new, making good choices, and, as Lou Mongello (and Walt Disney) said - "Keep Moving Forward."

Being what you are...

Source

Yet another day is drawing to a close and yet again, I'm up past my bedtime. And I didn't work out today. Which probably accounts for some of my added stress - not to mention the girly hormone stuff that just tends to amplify what I'm feeling anyway.

"Love builds bridges where there are none." R. H. Delaney

I've learned long ago that trying to be someone or somewhere I'm not never works. They say there are 3 stages to deployments - and the middle stages are the hardest, specially over the holidays. It feels like he's been gone forever.  And yes, weeks without word is very hard.  I will give myself credit where credit is due - but there are times when I can't hear "I'll be home for Christmas" without getting choked up. Torture is going through the romantic Christmas card section in a Hallmark Store, looking for the perfect sentiment - only to flip through a thousand that read something like, "Being with you is the best gift this year," and knowing that that is impossible.

I don't regret my choice for this life. Even in the toughest moments, I don't second guess my choices for a second. Yeah, it's not easy, but I love my life. But to say there aren't times I need a moment to collect myself wouldn't be honest of me. I believe it makes me human. To pretend that it's easy (even on an independent spirit like me) would damage the authenticity of my heart, and My Sailor's investment in himself, his country, and this family.

Today was one of those days where I needed a little encouragement.

And I found it.

I found it in the comfort of knowing that Clydas will be well taken care of when I leave for home by chatting with his caretaker.

I found it in remembering that life is an adventure; that this is just one chapter in a story worth telling.

My story.

When the Stress isn't worth it.

I'm starting this blog off with a photo of a fantastic memory because tonight, I found a smile that I struggled to find a bit today.

I'll admit it. Few things scare the crap out of me like BIG PURCHASES. Lately, we've been discussing a LOT of them, so I've been feeling kinda overwhelmed. From buying/building/renovating a house, to the wedding, I've been trying to keep my cool, while secretly there is a whirlwind of "OMG, How are we going to pay for this??!" buzzing through my brain. Today, though, it feels like a weight has been lifted as we got some news from Disney.

Basically it boils down to this: If we want our ceremony in the Animal kingdom, we'll have to kick in about $4k more and cut the guest list down to 35 people.

While disappointing, this is a very clear reality check for me. It boiled down to a simple question: Which would I rather have? A chance to celebrate with my family and friends and have it paid off before we do it? Or a chance to celebrate with a handful of people in a unique venue and pay it off for a few years afterwards?

Even for a Disney Freak like me, this wasn't a choice. I'd rather be able to invite more people. When I proposed it to My Sailor, he agreed. No Animal Kingdom for us. So while we're a bit disappointed (again), it's actually freeing in a lot of ways!  The decision on the dresses for the ladies has been made, and we still have the quote (which includes 65 people in a wedding AND Reception AND Illuminations Dessert Party for a little more than Disney would have charged us for the Wedding alone) from Shades of Green, so it's looking like we'll be heading back to our original plans for a morning Shades of Green wedding w/ a Brunch reception.

Also, by going with Shades of Green, I can take my bridesmaids up on their offers to help out with flowers, center pieces, and things before hand! It'll save money, time, but most of all help us all get closer to each other as we all pitch in for this event.

And ya know what? That sounds awesome. I do believe I'm starting to get a healthier perspective on this whole thing.

I used to feel bad about taking family and friends up on their offers to help. After all, they are all having to travel for our big day. But I don't anymore. I realize that helping gives us a chance to bond and gives everyone a chance to be a tangible part of a remarkable occasion. We're still getting our invitations done by a local artist, and we're probably going to have the cake topper made for us as well. Talk about a customized event!

I also realized something I lose sight of. Wedding planning should be FUN! If it stops being fun, take a step back and double check that your priorities are in the right place - rather than focused completely on one day. Yes, it's an important day, but it really is just one day.

Sure, we want to show everyone a good time, but the truth is, WE ARE IN DISNEY WORLD WITH OUR CLOSEST LOVED ONES! OF COURSE WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME! I'm going to Disney World with my family, My Sailor's family, and our closest friends. And taking a smart start to our future seems so much better than a debt filled one.


Moral of the Story: Sometimes stress is an indicator that a change of plan is called for.

  I actually can't wait for our Shades of Green day. After all - we're already getting the best part of this deal.

11 until 30

Fears: Only that I will not have learned from my past enough - and repeat the same mistakes.

Of course, like all the other fears- this is up to me.

Gratitude: That I have this time to let my friends and family know what an impact they've had on me.

Inspirational Person of the Day:
BeingCarly!

I first started following her blog about 2 years ago, as she was preparing for her Disney World wedding. Over time, I got curious and started poking around to her other blogs, and got to know the woman a little better than just "the Bride".

I know this may sound silly, but reading her blogs were my final push to get back on the blogging train. You see, by reading her blogs were comforting for me. Afterall, we've all faced our own challenges, demons, heartbreaks and dreams come true. That's when it hit me. I realized that "Maybe there's something to just sharing my story that could help someone else out there?" So I finally started blogging. While I've yet to reach any record setting following, it's been a great experience that I would love to do more of (if my computer equipment weren't from the stone-age).

Anyway- thanks for writing BeingCarly! Best of luck in 2010!

27 til 30

Alright - back to throwing up a quick blog on my lunch break!

Fears: That I'll become a stress case that doesn't know how to relax.

The great thing about all of these fears is that the outcome of these perceived pitfalls is up to me. So actually, by jotting these things down, I'm reminded more and more that avoiding them is up to me.

Gratitude: For having the awareness to smack myself upside the head and pull myself out of my own funks.

Inspirational Person of the day:
Sistah' Girl!

It would be remiss of me not to include my best friend of over 15 years on this list. We met through the oddest of circumstances. We both attended a basically professional musical boot camp at Northern Arizona University in our early teens. It's funny how a few weeks at summer camp can make best friends.

We don't agree with each other all the time, but it's amazing how much our lives have intertwined over the years. It's as if we take turns guiding each other over various terrian in our lives. She's also on the short list of the people I know I can call no matter what.

One thing that's always impressed me about her is the strength of her faith and convictions. She's at her happiest when surrounded by like minds, praising God, and relying on Him. My spirituality has always been rather fluid. Don't get me wrong - I'd definately say I'm guided by the Christians compass internally. But Sistah'Girl probably has the makings of a missionary. She has a heart to help people (as evidenced by her choosen occupation - Emergency Medic) and I've never known her to be lonely or lacking friends.

And now, as she's aiming for conquering some personal demons and her first few triathlons, I'm very proud to have her in my life.

She's one of the few who's hung with me, not afraid to give it to me straight, and I know is always on my team. Seeing her grow and succeed gives me courage to keep on keepin' on.

28 til 30

I'm doing a bit of catch up here, so bear with me!

Fear: Becoming stagnant! The dictionary defines this as: "1. Not moving or flowing; motionless. 2. Foul or stale from standing. 3. Showing little or no sign of activity or advancement; not developing or progressing, inactive; Laking vitality or briskness; sluggish or dull." Now, this fear isn't specific to 30. Rather, it's always been something I've avoided at all cost. Sometimes (okay, "often" is more accurate) it leads me to burn by candle at both ends in an effort to grow, expand, and just keep an active, busy mind. It's pushed me to try new adventures that I'd never considered before when the oppurtunity arises. I may not be interested in it on my own, but it'll give me a new experience to tap into.

Gratitude: In thinking about this "30 inspirational people" part of the blog, I've become really grateful for the people who have touched my life. Sure, there are people at different distances from my heart for many reasons, but I count myself very blessed/lucky to have a few that I know I can call on in a time of need and lean on when I need to.

Which brings me to...

Inspirational Person of the Day!


DigiGirl!

Now, there was a time when I didn't believe in being friends with co-workers outside of work. But as I've gotten older, it's the best/easiest place to meet people. And, hey! You already have something in common - your boss! DigiGirl was the receptionist at my company somewhere around 2005/2006 I think. We started grabbing coffee (well, tea or hot chocolate for me) on breaks together, and became friends. She listened to my struggles with becoming newly unmarried, and, oddly enough, not long after my divorce went down, hers did too.

Though we had different approaches for how we dealt with the various challenges that unique situation brings, we really bonded through that, and our love for our furkids. Both of us realized we had to make some huge life changes, but that our furkids were along the same journey we were. While it ment relocating for both of us, it didn't mean leaving our furkids in the dust.

So we had a lot in common that kept us as good friends, even after she moved home away and in with her parents in order to complete nursing school.

What I most admire about her is her dedication. She left a well paying job that she realized wasn't going anywhere (and wasn't where she longed to be) to move back home with her parents and start nursing school. She's great at making a plan and working her plan. And I love that (and need more of that in my life).

Someone once said that you can be a victim of your situation, or an architect of your future. The decision is up to you. And no one proves that more than DigiGirl.

30 left til' 30...

On January 16th, 2010, I'll turn 30 years old, so as of today, there are officially 30 days left until I hit 30.

I will admit, I'm going through a bit of a panic. I'm not really losing my head completely, but there is usual, "OMG, I'm almost 1/3rd of the way through my life and I'm not where I'd like to be yet! Is it ever gonna happen?" It's a bit of a challenging time, but I'm sure I'll come out just fine on the other end.

So I was thinking of how to work this into a blogging challenge.

And I think I figured it out.

Each day, I'll try to blog about someone inspirational in my life, as well as a fear I have (if I even have 30 of them) and something I'm grateful for (I know I'll have more than 30 of those)!

I think there is a definate difference between a woman turning 30 and a man turning 30. Sure, both genders have things we want to accomplish in our lives, but men can have childeren will into their later years. Women have a bit more of a time clock on such things and let me tell you -it's not just a quiet "tick tick tick", like I once thought. I once thought it was completely psychological, but now I know better. It's a very real screeching interal alarm clock.

Fear: In my case, the alarm clock probably has to do with being surrounded by men and women with families, and a number of my co-workers are happily baby-baking at the office. I'm not one to linger in self-pity for long, but sometimes I wonder "what if". Since I'm an aging PCOS patient, my chances of the natural way are pretty much nill as I round into the 30's, but...

Gratitude:I'm eternally grateful of having adoption been put on my heart some time ago. Truly realizing what makes up a "family" has nothing to do with bloodlines is something I'm deeply grateful for. When I think if my family I think immediately of the people who chose to take me in and love me and who continue to help me every day. There is no way I could repay them for all the years of help, nurturing, love, and guidance. And the thought of being able to someday give that back to someone is staggeringly beautiful. It's something I've craved for years now. While I plan on enjoying my time as a single gal, I look foward to settling in with a partner who is as invested in that vision of a family as I am.

Inspirational person of the day:

GreenGuy!

If you asked me to describe him in one word, it would be hands down "quirky".

I met him in 2006. He was my dance partner in a local community theater production of Guys and Dolls. He put up wonderfully with my two left feet (which have since gained some sense of how to dance but it's been a slow process) and was very kind to me. He said I was one of his first platonic friends in the area, and I do consider him like family.

Let me go into his quirkiness a bit. He's a vegatarian, and, at last check, drove a beat up old Mercedes. And I mean beat up. If it rained, his seats were wet. He converted it to run partially on frying oil. He patched that car up more times than I can count just in the 2 years I've known him, but he's never been against a little elbow grease. He's the guy that brings the vegatarian dish to the party and still manages to be the life of it at times.

He's been inspirational to me in that he dares to be different and really get out there and live life. He has a hunger for life and does everything he can to feed that hunger. He's not afraid to adopt into his life causes he believes in, but does it in such a manner that it seems completely natural.

He pushed my limits and encouraged me to get out of the house and off my butt. Together we did a little mountain biking, hiked trails. He has a great way about him of finding new, fun things to do, and I found it a reliefe (as I'm usually the "social director" when it comes to my friends). He's very community oriented and never boring. He's always willing to try something new and rarely complains.

He seems to have a great grasp on what's really important in life. Something about his gentle manner has always been a quiet cattle prod for me. He's a great combination of an adventurer's spirit with a heart of gold. He's one of those friends who, while he's never said it, I know I can call for whatever and if he can, he'll be there. Hell, once he helped me with a bunch of yard work for the reward of pizza and beer! It's a comfort to know he's on my side.

Even though he's moved away, I still smile when I think of our friendship and miss him like a brother.

5 simple words that will change your life

Last weekend, I got to see Wicked with my Sista' Girl. It was a GREAT experience. Wicked is one of those rare shows now-a-days that is worth every penny for orchestra seats. It actually, truly 100% lives up to all the hype.
Anyway, as we sat there at intermission, I talked about how the main character (Elphaba) is my dream role. I can truly identify with the passion by which that character lives her life (both in the book and in this more family-friendly production) and, hey, I've been the green kid! Well, okay. Not exactly green, but I've been the kid that saw things a little differently (and was heavier and more creative and passionate than most) and was ridiculed and outcast for it.

There is no denying that Elphaba's part is incredibly demanding. I would argue it's one of the most demanding roles in theater today. In fact, it probably IS the most demanding female role in theater today. But it's my dream role - and even more attractive because it's hard.

After chatting about it for a while, she said the 5 words that have stuck in my mind from that moment on...

"What are you waiting for?"

It's a simple wisdom, but is absolutely right on. What am I waiting on? The only thing I can think of to answer sounds ridiculous - A partner. Towing the rope of paying all the bills, taking care of the everyday household stuff, AND trying to make it as a musical theater leading lady sounds incredibly daunting.

So, I'm waiting on support from some mythical person?

But you know what? I know that I'm never happier than when I'm on stage. (Okay- PERHAPS I'm happier watching the fireworks in Disneyland with the right company, but I digress.) I know it will mean missing family vacations and possibly even holidays. It will mean that vacations are hard to come by. It will mean that I will be tired - A LOT. It will mean that I will have to take the best care I can of my body, my appearance, and I'll have to work hard to acquire a skill that I'm not very confident in (dancing).

And, yes, it's a frightening change.

But as I started packing up dishes last night that I really don't need, I realized something.

Revelation of the week: The scary part isn't taking the action. It's admitting what you were waiting on - was you.

Afterall, courage isn't the absence of fear. It's pushing through even though you're scared.

So... what are you waiting on?