Friday, February 10, 2012

My Namesake aka Things are a little scary!

I was named after the Bionic Woman and today is one of those days when I can almost feel her influence.

Today I:

  • Woke up at 9am to walk the dog. My Sailor was still sleeping after a 4am shift brought him home late.
  • Cooked breakfast. I didn't say made breakfast because, to me, that just involves pouring milk on cereal or water on instant oatmeal. (I attribute so much of my weight loss success to actually making the time to cook breakfast, rather than starting off the day feeling rushed.) Turkey bacon in scrambled egg whites with diced mini peppers, 1/2 a bagel w/ local honey, hot chocolate (swiss miss w/ my own twist- added unsweetened vanilla almond milk and sugar free cinnamon vanilla syrup), and fresh strawberries. Accompanied it all with a small glass of not-from-concentrate OJ. Sound good? That's pretty much an average daily breakfast around the house. (Occasionally I'll resort to making breakfast (instant plain steel cut oats with brown sugar and cinnamon added at the last moment, and a cup of Chobani greek Yogurt, and a peice of fruit), but that's not as common. It's MUCH higher in calorie and not as healthful - more sugar and less fiber.)
  • Worked a 12 hour day. (Which is a VERY long time to be staring at books and screens.)
  • Walked the dog 4 times.
  • Did the MOUNTAIN of laundry that was piling up.
  • Did the Dishes.
  • Took out the recycling
  • Stuck to healthy foods throughout the day.
  • Worked out on my lunch/dinner break.
  • Wrote this blog
  • Brainstormed Valentine's plans
Here it is, 1 am, and I'm considering going to the produce store (which is about an hour and 1/2 adventure) since we're out of fruit and running REALLY low on veggies. But on the off chance I'd pass out in the car, I should probably just stay home, and fold the laundry and put it away so it doesn't sit in the baskets forever.

I'm REALLY good at being busy!

Now on to other things -
  I'm actually really surprised how well I'm taking the 3rd (yes, 3rd) rescheduling of our wedding date. Most women would probably flip out - even one in my position. But I'm not. It'll give us some extra time to save up some more money, and I'll be able to take my time on some projects I was going to do for the wedding anyway. We'll also be able to focus on that new house thing WHICH, for the record, SCARES ME TO DEATH!

See, my experience with purchasing real estate isn't good. In the early 2000's my then-husband and I purchased a condo. I was SO excited to have "our own place", though I do remember being more afraid to buy the place than I was to get married! In hindsight, I should have listened to that fear, but live and learn. Anyway, we bought over-paid for the apartment/condo conversion. It ran us about $260k. My folks gave us money to help w/ closing costs and the real estate agents and the lenders convinced us that we could afford $2200/month. Gulp. Our plan at the time was to turn a profit within 5 years. Well, that would have been impossible. Even if the marriage had lasted another 5 years (it lasted 1 1/2 I think after that purchase), we would NEVER have turned a profit. Turned out they screwed up the electrical and, in the long run, the neighborhood never really turned around the way it had appeared to start. In the end, we agreed to try to short sell it. Didn't work out, so both my ex and I got slammed w/ a foreclosure on our credit records. Now that was some years ago (and the same condos now sell for $85k... yeah, ouch...), and it should be off my credit report any day now, but still...

I realize that I may really struggle with trust. I mean, I do trust that all things work together for good in the end. But there are still things that make me quiver in my boots and the thought of not being able to keep a roof over my head on my own is one of them. See, I've worked every since I was a teenager. I can't remember ever being out of a job. In fact, most of my adult life I've worked more than one job at a time. That doesn't mean I'm rolling in dough, but it does mean that I don't have to  financially lean on anyone 99.8% of the time (my folks have helped me out here and there over the years). Since I never really learned to trust anyone else (in my adult life) to provide for me, I am freaked out about knowing that someday, when My Sailor and I have a family, I'll be leaning on him in a financial sense more and more. I don't think I'll ever stop working. It's just not in me. My "work" may change from my current day job to writing (still working on that novel), but I'll never stop working for an actual paycheck.

I'm actually surprised by the stomach-turning fear I have of big purchases and especially of buying property. I'm aware that experience has taught me that I might not be able to keep it - but experience has also taught me that I'm going to be okay no matter what happens in my life. I know My Sailor and I aren't going to split up when we buy property. The two (buying property and divorce) aren't linked one bit in my mind - and that's reassuring.

But I find myself becoming more and more grateful for this oppurtunity to face down my fear - and, with some faith, trust, good planning, and pixie dust - prove them unnecessary. Even the Bionic Woman was afraid sometimes, but all of her parts got her through - so I'm sure her namesake will come out on top of this one too.


  1. It is really scary not being able to pay the bills and wondering if the house is going to stay over your head... been there, done that (far too much) but like you said, as long as you are working it seems you will be alright! I could never quit working. I need another job, definitely... but with the new baby, it will have to wait a little bit. Maybe I'll take up baby sitting. Hahaha

  2. I am on my own and I understand the fear of not being able to provide for yourself. I'm not in a position that I'd do well for very long if I was out of work and that's a scary thing to deal with for sure. So rest assured that you're no alone with those fears. Even with two incomes, if it becomes one it can be very overwhelming.