Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Answer to "So, How are you feeling?"

Quote of the blog: “When there’s an elephant in the room introduce him.”

– Randy Pausch
Today I've been asked about 4 times how I'm feeling. I really don't mind answering, but I wish I had more exotic or dramatic answer for you. It's such a broad question.

How am I feeling?

I usually start with the obvious answer: "Doing okay." or "I'm doing fine today." I realize that "fine" and "okay" have been redefined for me this past year. My "okay"  and "fine"  means, I'm awake, I still fit into my jeans so I'm not any more bloated than normal, and I'm not in any pain. Just tired and bloated.  "Fine"  emotionally means I'm not crying in a corner or feeling so out of control irritable that I can't handle it. (I've learned over the past 4 years that I can handle a lot more than I ever imagined on the emotional front.) "Okay" financially means I can afford a cup of tea at Barnes and Noble, but I won't be springing for dinner with friends anytime soon.

To expand upon that -
 My finances are coming under control. It's taken some hard work, but I keep reminding myself to just work my plan because it is working!  But financially I'll have to get back on my feet ASAP. My boss today expects about a week of recovery time. I can't afford to be out of work that long, and disability won't cover that short of a time frame, so I HAVE to be back at work full time as soon as I possibly can. That's my biggest financial concern right now.
 My emotions are a bit complicated right now. I do my best to live in the moment, not really set my heart on anything too far out of reach right now, and I try my best to ignore or make friends with the elephant in the room. I have the love and support of family and friends. I'm more worried about how I'm going to take care of my dog post-surgery (we live upstairs and he needs to be walked) than much of anything else.
  My physical state is the most complicated. I go in to have that problematic ovary removed on July 12th. I am tired all the time, and I'm sure stress has a lot to do with that. It takes a lot of effort to ignore the elephant in the room. The elephant is the possibility of ovarian cancer. I won't feel completely relaxed about that until I see a benign pathology report in my hot little hands. The bloating is from some sort of disease process going on down there. I drink a LOT of water and work out daily to try to keep it all as under control as possible, but there is only so much fluid flushing that helps. Weight loss is something I've always struggled with. I've had PCOS since I was a teen and that can make weight loss frustratingly difficult. But I'm plugging away. I make friends with the elephant when I decide to think about the possibilities (good and bad) and make plans for all possible outcomes. Having a plan makes me feel better.
  Overall, I'm hopeful (down right determined) to control what I can and let the rest go.

So that's the latest.

Now... where did I put my running shoes?

1 comment:

  1. That is a great report. I will keep following. I will be a support from afar but I will be looking in to see how's things are going. I will say a little prayer for you so that elephant will go away.
    I hope you have a great weekend.=0)