Of MRIs and other things

This is my blog so this is as fair a place to rant as any. I’ve had 6 needles poked into me over the last 12 days. 3 of them were successful. And they have all bloomed into beautiful shades of purplish-redish-yellowish bruise-tasticness.

Yesterday, I had my first MRI. That was a strange experience. Nothing like being in a noisy tube for 20 minutes being told to “breath quietly” so as not to move my abdomen too much. So much for that deep yoga breathing. While I’m not claustrophobic, it’s slightly panic enducing to see the tube be about 4 inches from your nose. Thankfully, only ½ my head was in, so I got to peek at the edge of the tube, if I looked up a bit.

While laying there and trying to concentrate on relaxing and keeping still, my mind was completely in the moment. I looked at the few scratches on the GE MRI appliance, and wondered if they had happened during shipping. I wondered about the little green marks on it. I wondered about how warm the sides of the tube felt against my upper arms (which where touching it). I wondered if that innvoulentary leg spasm I just had would ruin the image. I tried to think of ways to reengineer these things to be less noisy – like adding inexpensive padding on the inside. When the room got quiet, I started to wonder about the little tweeting noises in my headphones. Did they pipe in quiet natural forest sounds to help people relax? I wondered what the contrast would feel like when the MD injected me with it. I’d heard it felt “warm”. I’ve also seen my mom get aggressive IV hydration before and be shivering because it was cold.  I wondered if it would be a simple injection or an IV. I wondered if he’d get a vein on the first try, or if he’d just use my hand. I wondered if I’d have a reaction to it. I wondered about the people who design these technological marvels…

But that was all covered in about 30 minutes.

For the next 10, I was someplace else, listening to the squeaks, whirs, clicks and thuds of the imaging machine surrounding me. My brain tried to make words out of the odd noises. For a while, it sounded like it was saying, “Ow! Ow! Ow!” in sympathy pains, with each click, whir, and thud. Then it was saying something with a P that I couldn’t quite make out… In the end, the machine had nothing intelligible to say.

I wondered if I’d be able to actually LOOK at the images that were being taken. I wanted to see what they looked like.

I thought about all the times Randy Pausch must have gone through these kinds of things – and was suddenly grateful for life in general.

I should get all my test results in less than 24 hours from the time I post this. That waiting time will be filled with work, rehearsal, and best of all, sleep. So we’ll see what happens.

And the beat goes on - A lesson in anatomy

Good news -
My lab results and ultrasound results are in!

More good news -
The labs looked good. No major problems or hormone imbalances at the moment. Yeah!

Now the not-so-good-news -

My ultrasound showed multiple cysts on multiple ovaries. This isn't a surprise. Afterall, it's what PCOS is all about.

But it also showed fluid surrounding the left one, which is usually the result of a cyst rupturing. Great... but at least it explains some of the symptoms I've been having.

But wait - there is more not-so-good news.

Among the bunches of cysts on the right ovary were 2 large "complex masses". This means they appeared solid and irregularly edged. So "What does that mean?"

Well, most cysts are like internal blisters. They are filled with fluid and when they burst, it hurts, but it's not the end of the world. In fact, my hormones are probably normal right now because of that ruptured cyst on the left side. See, my theory is that the crazy period I had last month was due to the cyst being inflamed (much like a blister) until it burst. Once it did, the inflamation was gone and the hormones dipped back down.

So "What's next?"
Lab tests for CA 125 levels and an MRI.

That's right folks - we're testing for cancer.

While there is no established link between PCOS and Ovarian Cancer, it would seem a logical leap (from where I sit anyway). But we'll see.

"How do you feel about all this?"
I have great friends and family that are helping me through. While nothing can take the place of that inimate bond of a husband or dedicated life partner at home to help me through, this "is what it is" and I'll get through it - no matter what the DX.

Thankfully, I'm still not really in pain. (As I "should" be, according to just about every medical text.) So I still plan to finish the show and the triathlon, unless something urgent should need to be done within the next 3 weeks.

So there you have it. The results are in and... well, we've pretty much ruled out Endometriosis and Fibriods. Yeah?

The results still aren't in, but ...

That whole "nail in the coffin" of having bio kids seems to be about to be hammered in just a little further as I get older.

Good thing adopting has always been strong on my radar. I've never really had a strong desire to have anything look like me, but it would (admittedly) have been cool to tell my husband that he's going to be a father and to go through the craziness that is pregnancy. But as both of those (having a husband and being pregnant) look like distant future things at this point in time, I'm just coping with what I know.

Why am I discussing this on a blog?

Because these are the silent things women go through and DON'T talk about, which often leave us feeling like less of a woman because we aren't "normal". There is nothing more frustrating than hearing about a teenager "oops" and get pregnant, and couples that try and try for years and suffer through the heart break of not being able to concieve. I never want any of my female readers to have that "I'm less than a woman" or "I'm on the outside looking in" about these physical things that are simply beyond our relm to control.

So right now I'm holding my breath, subjecting my self to some labs and ultrasounds, and - well - I'm reasonably ticked off at The Big Man Upstairs because I'm not getting my way about things in life.

And if there is one being that can handle one bent out of shape woman -it's God.

Quote of the blog: "Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life. Don't let them scare you unduly, for they keep bordem at bay and spark creativity."

Tonight my brother and I took a break from life and used his gift card at the K-1 Speedway Race Track.

When we strapped into the cars, I was in the first position. He was right behind me.

By the time we finished that race, I was second to last. He was last.

We followed that race up with another one.

He started, 2 cars ahead of me.

Life is all about uncertainty. Sometimes the things we think are most certain are actually as fluid as water. I've hit some substantial financial stumbling blocks that have caused a huge amount of uncertainty, but oddly enough, I have a peace about the whole thing. I feel like everything is just going to work out somehow.

I'm not sure what the future has in store, but it will. And I'll be okay.

Bowling Booyah, Contest Results, and A Fun Montage

Last night, I was dying to get out of the house. I knew I didn't want to go to a movie, but I also realized that I need to keep it budget friendly. So I got creative on Google and found out that a local bowling alley has a great deal for bowling on Monday nights. $5 admission, $1 games, $1 shoe rental, and $1 medium drinks. Booyah! I actually did really well the first game! While I ended up coming out ahead (winning 3/5 games), I was far from a 300. Oh well! But it was fun - bowling til' midnight.

Now, on to the contest results!
Sad so we don't have a winner, but here are the possible results.
Here were the possible answers:
1&2) Look in the bedroom. On the nightstand you'll see 2 stuffed animals. The obvious one is Stitch. The more obscure fellow beside Stitch is Djali (Esmerelda's goat side kick from the Hunchback of Notre Dame).
3) The blanket over the back of the couch is from DisneyWorld but it's next to impossible to tell unless you've seen the design. It has the fab 5 sitting around a fireplace.
4) I would have accepted the popcorn bucket on the table, since that's from the El Capitan theater, which is Disney owned now and showing Disney movies.

So that was a tough one. I'll roll the prize into the next contest, so keep your eyes peeled for another contest soon!

And finally the fun montage!
It's still a bit of a work in progress, but here's a snippet of fun from the RBT 09. A complete review will be coming up on the Disney Files and DisPix blog.
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=a28e44d6fce7b8d8159e2c&skin_id=1008

ENJOY!

A Blogger's Plea and some budgeting frankness.

Greetings readers (ye brave, ye few)!
As you may know, if you've been keeping up, I'm currently a cast member in an original musical production -



Now, that said, I need your help! If you're in the area and would like to see the show, please contact me via e-mail! I'd love to meet you there. However, I will admit, I have an ulterior motive.
When I arrived at the auditions, I learned that there is an $85 fee charged to every actor in the show. This is unusual (in my experience) for a community theater, however it was soon made clear that no one is getting rich off these productions.
This particular theater group doesn't have a "home". They perform at all different venues, all over North County area. Usually they choose high capacity, popular venues to assist in selling out. It also helps them put a professional spit and polish on the shows as well (which is always great).
However, when you're constantly renting space, it gets expensive.
So that said, there is also a caveat obligating each actor to sell (paid for and all) 12 tickets. They announced today that the money for that is due 4/6/10. I have already agreed to cover a few people who will pay me back on performance day, so I'm prepared for that. However, I wasn't prepared for a "due date" prior to the actual performance dates. So that's a new wrench in my financial works.
I've requested an exention, but the sooner I can recoup my costs, the better! Unforunately, due to the substantial financial commitment this particularly wonderfully talented group is forced to require of it's actors, I won't be able to participate in their future productions. However, I am fully committed to following this one through. (Though, it's so much easier to memorize songs and lines when you aren't sweating where the $301 total actor's obligation is going to come from. As a single gal living alone, I certainly don't have that amount of cash laying around. My budget is pretty tight.)
This is where you all come in. If you're local and want to see the show, let me know and I'll give you the address to send your check directly to the group so you can get your tickets (and I can recoup the ticket portion of the production fee).
So leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail if you want to see a funny, NEW, saucy musical about the Mad Monk's life.
Thanks!

I have a new Cousin!

If you haven't been following the blog very long, I'll do a quick recap of my rather extended family:

1) I am adopted. So I have my family that I grew up with. That consists of Mom, Dad, and Big Brother.

2) I have located my biological family and have a close relationship with my BioFather's side. By them, I have a Little Sister . And many other family members.

One of them has just been welcomed into the would so I'd like to wish a very warm welcome to...BabyCuz!

Born 3/29/10, he's just happy and healthy and everyone is doing fine. They are all the way back in Nashville, so I apologize to the family in advance for stealing my BioUncle's photos from Facebook for this post.

Isn't he adorable?



I couldn't be more happy for them. This is boy #2.



All that said, it's been an interesting week of late when it comes to the family expansion thoughts.

In the last few days, different, unassociated people have reminded me that they believe I'd make a good mother. I am honored by the compliment. But I find it interesting that those around me seem intent on kick starting my tick-less biological clock, despite there being no prospective fathers in the picture currently.

Ironically enough, some physical hurtles I'm dealing with lately, which may further drive the nail in the fertility-coffin for me. Now, this isn't entirely unexpected. I've been a PCOS patient since I was 19 years old. I've been on some form of BCP pretty much solidly since then (off and on a few times, but for no more than 1 year during celebacy and 6 months during married life). It's not recommended for PCOS patients to attempt pregnancy after 30 years of age. Not that it's impossible. In vitro has proven quite successful in many cases. However, I see no reason to spend that amount of money just to have someone who looks like me. I'd rather offer my love, home, life, and heart to a child in need already. Being adopted myself, I think I have an intimate understanding of the myriad of issues that are specific to adoptees, which might just give me a parenting edge. (Besides, I'm RARELY surrounded by people who look like me, so having children that don't look like me, doesn't bother me at all.)

And something today reminded of the little Taiwanese girl that almost became part of my family many years ago. I think she turned 10 this month. While I am well aware that all things work together for good - every once in a while I wonder who she is growing into. And I thank God that He knows what he's doing - and find comfort in the thought that she's safe and raised by an intact family.

We'll see what time brings me, but for now, I am quieting the longing for a family of my own and focusing on how cool it's going to be to accompany my cousins and little sister to Disneyland someday when they are all ready.