Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Stage, The Job, and The Power of Believing

Headshot? Yes Please!
Lately I've been working A LOT. I feel like the coding zombie, in desperate need of a headshot.

I used to LOVE that my job allowed me to do the things I loved. Like theater. But, after hanging out with The Set Goddess of KP yesterday, I realized that it's been A YEAR since I took the stage! A YEAR! 365+ days! No matter how much I code, I never feel like I'm contributing the world in the same way that I do when I'm on stage.

Last night, My Sailor and I talked about my employment situation. Basically, the up side of my jobe is "Hey! I work from home!" The down sides are - no raises in the past 2 years or for the foreseeable future (I've asked), and zero incentives for longevity (no extra sick/vacation time, etc). I've been in this feild for 10 years, and while I appreciate the education and experience, we're thinking after the wedding it might be time for a change in gears. A new job might be in the works, or a change of feilds all together. If you're asking, "What happened to the writing?!" It's still going, but so far none of it has materialized into paying gigs, so it's sort of stalled at the moment.

I realized that I might feel professionally claustrophibic because I'm one of those people who needs to give back, and really give from the soul. Which is what writing and theater have given me the chance to do. So after the wedding, I'll be auditioning again (maybe even before, if I can find some) and see what happens. Yes, if something turns south in my Dad's health situation, I'd have to duck out of a show, but in the mean time, I realize I've made myself available for My Sailors unpredictable schedule, and it's resulted in me taking minimal time for me. Which trickles down into a shorter fuse and all that jazz. No, I'm still not looking to make a career out of theater, but it's a necessary part of my life that I can't deny without suffering a void in my life. I'm not sure if some of you, dear brave readers, will ever really truly understand, but it's been part of my life since childhood. Sure, I can take a break from it now and then, but I'm unable to ignore it completely.

One of the the reasons I love My Sailor so much is that he's been unwaiveringly supportive of me following my dreams. He sees how I need to be doing something I feel is valuable.  So in honor of that great support, I'm sharing a few things from a favorite musicals.

 "If I Didn't Believe in you"

Scenerio: Husband who is an author is successful. His wife, Cathy, is struggling to deal with his success while her acting career hasn't seen similiar success. Lyrics of the parts that moved me below.

If I didn't believe in you
We'd never have gotten this far
If I didn't believe in you
And all of the 10,000 women you are
If I didn't think you could do
Anything you ever wanted to
If I wasn't certain that you'd come through somehow
The fact of the matter is... I wouldn't be standing here now.

If I didn't believe in you
We wouldn't be having this fight
If I didn't believe in you
I'd walk out the door and say, "Cathy, you're right"
But I never could let that go
Knowing the things about you I know...

It never took much convincing to make me believe in you.

I don't want you to hurt
I don't want you to sink
But you know what I think
 I think you'll be fine
 Just hang on and you'll see
No one can give you courage
No one can thicken your skin
If I didn't believe in you
Then here's where the travelouge ends
If I didn't believe in you
I couldn't have stood before all of our friends
And said 'this is the life I choose,
This is the thing I can't bare to lose,
Trip us or trap us, but we refuse to fall.'
That's what I thought we agreed on Cathy
If I hadn't believed in you
I wouldn't have loved you at all.

ps - I might have an extra ticket to Rent on the 22nd, for those of you in the area. And yes, they are good seats. If you're interested in filling that possible void, I'll put you on the list when if My Sailor has to work.

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