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Yesterday, after a doctor's appointment and a revealing ultrasound, I took myself out to Frozen Yogurt and a stroll through my local Barnes and Noble. I just needed some space from irrationality for a while. I would be lying if I said I wasn't searching the shelves of the store for an answer that would make everyone happy. I found myself starting at the Medicine section, finding nothing there, and I moved to the Psychology section. Scanning the shelves and not finding an answer, I went to the Relationships section - where I found lots of books that would have helped me out 6 years ago when I was going through my divorce, but nothing that applied to the current state.
Yeah, yesterday was kinda a rough day.
That's when I stumbled across the "Adoption Parenting" section and stumbled across this book. Honestly, it's AMAZING. Anyone who HASN'T been adopted, but is thinking about it should OWN IT! I read several chapters and just about every page had me going, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" While it's based on the Primal Wound psychology (the unconcious wound that ALL adoptees, no matter their age at time of adoption, but it's something that is really shared by anyone who came from a broken home - While my 'home' was far from 'broken' - my family is intact and still has been throughout my entire life, the Primal Wound means a deep seeded 'abandonment' sort of issue) the approach in the book is to help adoptive parents understand it and love the child/children through it. My own battle with this has helped me grow to be pretty independent.
Well aware that I march to the beat of my own drum, it's been a challenge to figure out what to do with the whole ferility thing at this point. Without a strong drive to perpetuate my genes, I'm not sure if I want to endure an-already-high-risk-pregnancy alone. Let's face it, even when My Sailor is home, I only get 2-3 concious hours with him on a non-duty day. On duty days, he's gone for 24+ (and that's a couple times/week). And then there are the months of deployment. Living away from family and friends means that if we decide to put me through surgery to go this route, I'll be coping with 99% of that alone. It's not that I don't think I'm strong enough - I just don't want to. Add to that coping with facing the mortality of a key figure in my life and it's even LESS appealing.
I feel like surrogacy and such measures are for couples who have the deep seeded desire to perpetuate their own genes no matter what - not for people like me (who have a very deep seeded desire to adopt no matter what).
So I'm at an impass right now as I await the surgeons recommendations from my ultrasound.
Oh- I guess I forgot to mention the ultrasound findings are a trifecta of "you're SO not getting pregnant any time soon". Endometriosis, Fibriods, and cysts.
The OBGYN was kind enough not to laugh at me outright when I mentioned I've been on "the pill" for 13 years and have only had about 3 "normal" periods in my life and, taking my age and history into account, - he pretty much (nicely) put it that there are so many 'if's' that would have to fall into place for this to happen on it's own... I guess I'd rather just start a family and if it happens, it happens. If not, that's fine. I'd be fulfilled either way.
But I can't help but feeling like I'm disappointing My Sailor (and I am - it's written all over his face lately). I'm sure we'll get through it. We knew this was a possibility from the start. But 'it is what it is' and living with it is different than talking about it. I've no doubt we'll get through it, but it's a roller coaster that isn't fun.
So why am I blogging all of this?
In the past, when I've put down to blogging my fears, hopes, etc, honestly, it's been a great resource for me to look back on, and for others to read and understand the one thing that fills that 'primal wound' bs - No One Is Ever Truly Alone in how they feel.
Nothing is ever as bad - or as good - as it seems.