Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Endometrial Biopsy - the audio drama

Today I went in for an endometrial biopsy. 

My specific medical journey of late has shown me just how far Women’s Medicine has come – but it’s also made it glaringly obvious that we’re still not far from the Dark Ages.

One of those things is that everyone handles pain differently – male or female. Pain is different for everyone. Some people scream. Some people cry. Some people cry AND scream. Some people get quiet and breathe shallow (me). Others get angry and cuss.

Well today, I underwent an office procedure called an Endometrial Biopsy. To spare you the gorey details, I’ll share these few bullet points:
*There is NO anesthetic given. This is a procedure that takes no more than a few minutes, and sticking a long needle up your hoo-ha to get poked in and have drugs injected into those sensative places would probably be more painful than the quick “snip snip” of the biopsy.*Think pap-smear. But instead of taking a small brushing or swabbing, they clip bits of tissue from the same area.* Usually there is already some sort of discomfort in this area in order for a woman to necessitate this procedure anyway. (I fell into this category.)

So, if you had been listening at the door, here’s what you would have heard going on inside (from what I can recall – funny how the female brain blocks out painful experiences in no time):
Doc: “Just like a pap smear…”
Me: “okay…”
RN friend of mine: “Going anywhere fun on vacation this summer?”
Me: “Well, I might end up spending a weekend in Chicago, depending on how things go here.”
RN friend of mine: “Cool. Any special reason?”
Me: “Yeah. A friend of mine is graduating from Navy Boot Camp. He’s worked really hard to get in, so it’s totally worth supporting.”
RN friend of mine: “Southwest has good flights right now. Do they fly there?”
Me: “Yeah, close anyway. I might get some frequent flier miles hook up from my dad, but…”
Doc: “Okay, you might feel a little pinch here.”
Me: “Okay. We’ll see what he can do about getting me some free…You ain’t kidding! Pinch?!”
Doc and RN: “Yeah. You might feel some cramping...”
Me: “OW OW OW OW OW… Holy cow!”
Doc: “You can cuss me out if you need to. Go ahead. I know it hurts. “
RN: “Yeah, go ahead. You can Cuss if you need to. It’s okay.”
Me: “OW OW OW OW OW….” (at this point, breakfast was threatening to be blown all over my RN friend)
Doc: “Okay done with that.”
Me: (starting to breath a sign of relief) “Whew….”
Doc: “Now just one more…”
Me: (under my breath) “You’ve got to be kidding me…” (Cue huge deep yoga breath here)
Doc: (a few quiet moments later) “Alright done. Time to close that up…”
Me: “….okay…” (weakly)
Doc and RN: “Now, we want you to rest for a while. Don’t get up right away, okay. DON’T GET UP!

I’m glad they warned me not to get up. I don’t think my knees and legs would have cooperated, though I couldn’t WAIT to get outta there.

You gotta wonder how many of the expecting mothers-to-be in the waiting room would have canceled their appointments and left if I HAD taken him up on his offer to use very… “un-Disney-like” language!

So we’ll see what happens in the next couple weeks, but odds are in my favor that this will turn out negative for Endometrial Cancer.

Here’s a funny thing though – I’m really irritated that I can’t think of a way to safely work out tonight! I'm still a little loopy in the brain - which is a decidedly odd feeling since all I've had are over-the-counter pain controllers.

Does it make me a real athlete now that I'm irritated that I can't blow off steam in any of my usual fashions (P90X, running w/ the dog, etc.)?
And is being a real athlete anything like being a real boy (girl)?

1 comment:

  1. That procedure sounds awful! I was supposed to get one back when my doctor didn't know what was wrong with me, and she described it as "a more intense pap smear". Then I went home and read all of these horror stories about it online. Some women have passed out from the pain. Others said it was more intense than child birth.

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Why don't they provide any local anesthesia? I don't get it! Thinking good thoughts that your results will be negative. Also hoping you are back to your workout schedule!