A Bitter dose of Vitamin D

"Feelings of disappointment can either drown you, or shape you...Sometimes, they may just be a new beginning." -Walt Disney, "Walt Before Disney"

Now, before I get too far down the rabbit hole here, allow me to be very clear.

My life is pretty good. Pretty damn good. I've family that adore me and that I can't wait to get home to. We have a full cupboard currently (thanks largely to a fabulous local Buy Nothing group) and are  getting caught up on some vital household bills. The lights are still on; we still have a roof over our heads, and I have the Impossible Girl, who is growing up - practically crawling now. Thanks to hand me downs, we haven't had to buy much of anything for her, aside from a few toys here or there at Goodwill. I'm seeing success in the gym, Just this week, having reclaimed my triple digit Snatch this week (That's just 10 pounds off my lifetime max!) and my client roster is back on the upswing (which is surprising this time for year,  but a huge blessing none-the-less).

But let's face it - there are things that I definately miss of late... and more than my fair share of disappointment going around.

I have THE BEST friends... and it's been fun reflecting on how far they have come in their fitness journeys, but, although I miss them all something fierce, and when we hang out, there is little in common currently. It's not anyone's fault- my life is just about keeping things afloat (a business I love, a girl I love, a household I love, and a guy I love) in a time and space where almost none of it is coming easy. I went from the girl who planned Saturday nights at a local brewery and drives 90 minutes round trip to soend 2 hours in the gym on Sunday morning with her friends doing Olympic Liftingand Crossfit.

Now?
Well....
Being up every 45 minutes-2hrs with the Impossible Girl isn't conducive to early rising. It's not the drive, but the fact that the alarm has to go off an hour before I need to leave, just to feed The Impossible Girl and pack her up before leaving. Long nights aren't conducive to driving  90 minutes round trip  and putting heavy weight over one's head, much less doing anything with 'intensity'.
And then there is the cost - of gas, of the class, of the breakfast with the gang afterwards... I'm sure they've noticed at this point. First, I stopped going out to breakfast. Then I started going every other week...Then only to one class...then I stopped going all together because honestly,  some weeks it wasn't the lack of sleep- it was the extra expense in gas... If The Impossible Girl was under the weather, or my in-gym client load was low for some reason, it doesn't leave wiggle room in the budget for anything else-including travel time.

We haven't had a date night since February. It's nearly May, and there aren't any on the horizon either.

Sitters are expensive, and I'm not in a position to trade services right now.

My friends and fellow athletes are killing it in competitions all around me that I can't gather the capitol to enter... I cheer them all on virtually (and in person when I can?, but I'm the 'on the bench' member of the  team for the forseeable future...

And it sucks...not how I pictured 2016.

My non Fitness pals are taking over my Facebook feed with Disney trips and awesome travel status. While it's fun to share in their adventures, my latest adventure is going through my closet for a rummage sale because I need to renew some business stuff next month. When is our next vacation/adventure? We don't know.. 2017 maybe?

The idea of it being a Disney trip is WONDERFUL, but that's, honestly, still a pipe dream. Even a weekend away seems out of reach. Planning anything is still next to impossible. If it's not the financial aspect, it's the exhaustion factor - and if it's not me that's exhausted, it's My Sailor, who currently works 2am-12pm, and then takes over baby parenting duties as I work in the evenings chiefly.

Most of our 'quality' time is spent in front of the tv or the cell phones now a days - which equates to low quality for everyone. We try to go to the gym or walks together, but it often devolves into being too tired... As for the thought of being a foster parents? Currently, it is as far from reality as it ever was.

I think Facebook contributes a lot too the feeling of disappointment or discontent. Ignorance is bliss, and if left to a world without Facebook  (yes, I still remember one), I would be less aware of the competitions/events I'm missing, and therefore, less agitated by the situation. I mean, I see folks taking their toddlers/infants to WDW and I long to take my little there too.... but, would it haunt me so much if my phone didn't blink with it several times a day? Likely not...

Disappointment and discontent are bitter tasting vitamin Ds.

So, I realize I have a choice. I can either play the pity party game, or not.

Well, I've decided that I'm not playing anymore. Someone out thereis WISHING they were in my shoes, so what do I REALLY have to be annoyed about?!

Yes, I am grateful that I get to spend so much time with my little one, and I know it won't last forever, but I find, when I'm most fufilled personally,  I bring that recharged, fulfilled person home. And that's as valuable as money in the bank. It makes me a better coach, a better wife, and a better mom.

My Sailor deserves that. The Impossible Girl deserves that too.

So My Sailor and I are doing some talking and we're going to sort things out. We got some much needed help this week so we can breathe a bit, and we know what we're  figuring out a plan that everyone can work with.
 
I'm really kind of grateful for discontent...
It's a great catalyst for change.

A Few Minor Adjustments and Rocky Road

This past weekend I had the pleasure of coaching a few great gals at a Novice Crossfit meet called Festivus. BeanieGirl and I drove about 5 hrs round trip and were rewarded with excellent performances all around. My Sailor, having the day off, got to tackle some much needed household chores, and get some overdue down time.

We spent Sunday (our self proclaimed 'family day' since I often work 6 days a week) battling the bills, tackling the yardwork, and getting some much needed help from our local Buy Nothing group. (Buy Nothing is probably the best social experiment ever, and we're incredibly grateful to be a part of it.)

All in all, a super productive weekend, and we move into the week anxious to continue problem solving, but most of all happy to have such an awesome little family.

While my fitness friends hit milestone after milestone, I get the chance to sit back and be coach for a while. It's fun, but I'll admit I'm just a tiny bit (okay, A LOT) jealous of the fun they are having. I know it's only a matter of time before I get to share that spotlight with them, but I sure do miss competitions. I'm training as best I can as if I have one coming up, but until the check book frees up, I won't be registering for anything any time soon. My Sailor is starting a day shift at work that involves getting up at 2am... sure, he's home by lunch, but it's going to be interesting to balance our Daddy Daughter time and our limited daycare capacity. I'm sure we'll figure it out though.

The long drive with BeanieGirl gave me lots of time to think. I thought about how gorgeous this state is, and how little of it My Sailor and I have actually experienced. That'll need to change. I thought about how lucky I am... I mean, seriously, when thinga have gotten "How am I going to keep the lights on/feed myself?" bad, something has always worked out enough to make things click back into place... thank God! A girl can only skip breakfast for so long!

I Ate Cookies Today. So Sue Me.

That's right, dear readers, it's time to catch you up.

Here we are, finally hitting spring 2016 - after an unusually long, cold, windy, rainy season in Washington. I'm happy to report that the business building is on the slow, steady advance and I have some awesome, new clients I'm pretty excited about. Folks are getting out of training what they  put in, and its exciting in the gym.

I'm getting back to lifting more and more. It still feels frustratingly slow, but I hope to be competing this summer or fall, or both, once again. The mom pouch belly and hips are hanging around, but I'm sure they'll eventually melt off as I keep chipping away at life here.

We've gotten smarter with our bills and are looking forward to all the fun home matinence and work that comes with better weather.

But, yes, you read the title right. While things are generally on the upswing, today I lost sight of that for just a little bit and finished some gluten free (yet not healthy) cookies and bottled Tazo (aka sugar filled) tea on my way home from work. Luckily, it was an hour long commute, so it's not like I was stuffing my face, but it did give me a second to realize it was a very old bad habit coming back to haunt me. I had a bad habit of eating in the car, usually sweet stuff, when heading into a stressful situation. It came as a mild shock to realize that this meant I saw home as 'stressful'.

And, well, it can be. Right now, it's looking like My Sailor will be signing back up for the next re-enlistment. Now, don't get me wrong; I completely support whatever his choice is. It will mean deployments again, for a few years. Which means, on an emotional level, he and Beanie Girl will miss out on 1/2 a year together just about every year from 2-5 years old, and then again from 8-12 years old. That's a bit sad. Add to it that our 'tag team parenting' manuver obviously won't work anymore for work and, well, it's going to be an interesting time. I'm sure we'll figure out something. I'm really lucky to work at a Y and to have some resourceful folks ready to lend a hand if I need one.

But tonight, instead of looking at the big picture, all I could see was the, "he's mad at me because I worked out and didn't rush home" and he has a reason to, since, pike I said, in a few years he may be gone for 1/2 the year, so it's up to us to make quality time where we can.

But the less-than-delicious cookies and too-sweet tea reminded me that, no matter how prepared I am for it, it's still stressful. As long as I recognize it (and don't turn to cookies routinely), we'll be just fine. And, yes, as important as it is for me to take care of every one and everything else, I have to put myself near the top of that list. Even if that means some days asking My Sailor, a friend, or YMCAs Child Watch to watch Beanie Girl for just a few more minutes...

'Cause if Mama ain't happy, no one's happy.

2015 - Notes from The Front

Beanie Girl and I getting after some Overhead Squats @ Rain City Crossfit
Photo Credit: Lisa Holste

Last year was an epic roller coaster, but here we are, sitting pretty at the start of 2016.  By this time last year, I'd discovered I was pregnant with Beanie Girl and we were waiting to see if Beanie Girl would stick. Stick she did and in August, we got to meet her. As a friend says, "Wall - to Wall Personality" pretty much describes our house. It's given me a tiny glimpse into the world of parenting young children. As a coach, I have a new way to personally relate to my clients that are parents, and I'm incredibly grateful for the patience of all of my clients as we go through this process of constant adaptation necessary to raise small children. As much as I try not to let motherhood effect my work, it's occasionally impossible.

Beanie Girl meets long time friend, November 2015

It's been a profound experience being a mom of an infant. More on that later.... Here are a few other highlights from my 35th year on the planet.

For the record, she was RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME! TAKE YOUR KIDS!
Teach them that the violin isn't just an antiquated orchestra instrument.

Best Stories of 2016 -

River Front Park hike in Spokane WA. STUNNING place!
Photo credit: Sean Humenay

 
'That Time We Accidently Had To Go To Spokane.'You see, My Sailor had heard that one of our favorite musicians, violinist Lindsey Stirling, was 'in town' and tickets were a steal! So he jumped on it. About 2 weeks before the concert, we start to make plans and discover that 'in town' meant Spokane, Washington - a 5 and 1/2 hour commute one way.  So instead of driving, we hopped a commuter flight (small seats plus pregnant belly... glad it was a short flight), used a free hotel night I'd accumulated through Expedia, and made it happen. It was a worth while adventure for sure! While I'd heard a lot of negative things about the city, I wouldn't mind going back and poking around for a weekend again. (Though a weekend is PLENTY of time to see it all.)

And that time we cashed in every gift card and frequent flier mile we had, and made it Southern California for the price of a rental car.   
Since I've openly rebelled against the 'Pintrest Pregnancy' that seems to be so popular on social media, the idea of a 'babymoon' seemed a little silly. BUT the idea of going to Disneyland for the price of 1 (steeply discounted) admission made a LOT of sense. Though I opted not to ride a few thrill rides, I had a great time soaking in the 60th.

 We had lots of fun day trips too -

Hubs making good on a long overdue Mariner's Padre Game!

Taking hubs to his first Regional Crossfit Games!

And I had more than a few epic moments in coaching and competeing -

With my Athletes - Post Strongman 2015

Coaching with some familiar faces at another local Strongman Meet

Left, 15 weeks pregnant. Right, 6 months pregnant.

So all in all it was a big year. I made my goal of qualifying for Master's Nationals quite by accident, despite being pregnant, and I learned a LOT about myself, my business, my athletes, my marriage, and, of course, my life last year. I got to meet this little lady too -





So here's my few seconds to gush - Being this little girl's mom is a profound experience. I've never had someone light up like she does when I walk into a room. Having the power to calm nightmares with a single hug or cause a smile with a few seconds of eye contact is not lost on me. Holding the life of another human being in my hands is, obviously, a huge responsibility - one that we're no more or less ready for than any other first-time parents. As her health continues on the upswing, with shrinking cysts and growing everything-else-except-weight-but-we're-working-on-that, we settle in with a bit less worry and a bit more peace of mind. 

I'm sure there will be some day when she'll look at this photo and roll her eyes at me, but one thing is for certain:

Getting to know her is a great adventure.

So as I enter my 36th year, my goals this year are all about continued strength building and continuing to hone my coaching skills. I have some truly inspirational folks on my roster that remind me every day why I love doing what I do. While we pay off some debt on the homefront, this won't be the year for lavish trips or competing. This will be the year for hand-me-downs and strength building (though it's likely I'll compete in Strongman this year) along with my husband. I'm looking forward to heading back into the competition arena for Olympic Weightlifting in the fall/winter, or in 2017.

Rearranging my life around Beanie Girl hasn't been easy, but it's 100% been worth it.

A Fall To Never Forget

I have about half a dozen blog posts ready to go up to catch ya'll up on the grand adventures of Beanie Girl and the ups, downs, and in betweens of motherhood. Don't worry. They'll be posted soon enough. But tonight there is something more important going on.

On November first, a friend of mine lost her husband in a motorcycle vs car accident. She's a 34 year old mother of 4 young kids, one of which is special needs.  No, the 21 year old driver wasn't drunk or on his phone... he just changed lanes without looking. Yes, the motorcyclist was wearing a helmet, but helmets only do so much. Brain injuries too severe to come back from caused death.

Now, I always knew this gal family was special. Fun and rambunctious, they were always on the go. Excuses didn't seem to existas this Submariner's wife raised 4 young kids while getting her Master's degree and even then, went on to work with to help homeless Veterans find housing.

She chatted with me through buying our house while the Sailors were gone, workingon our foster license, helping me understand Submariner Wife life, and even after we parted ways, she inpressed me with her drive and unconventional parenting attitude. (One of her girls juat happens to play co-ed football and another is a cheerleader!)

It didn't surprise me to hear over 200 people visited him in the hospital over the 2 days he was there prior to organ donation. It didn't surprise me to hear they were donating his organs, or even that they had a plan for his passing. It's something we military spouses live with every single day. There is always a chance our loved one could not come home from a deployment, though we are lulled into security when they aren't 20,000 leagues under the Sea. Somehow on land they seem safer- indestructible. We know who is to take care of Beanie Girl or any future kids, if one of us passes. In fact, we have Plan A and Plan B and Plan C.

What struck me to the core is how his passing has brought together an already tight community.

For example, his daughter always wanted to score a touchdown. Not knowing that her dad was in peril yet, the other team (a KIDS league, mind you) conspired to help her score. Kifs can be incredibly unpredictable in the heat of a moment on a sports' feild. The best they could do was at least give her the ball and the opportunity to score. (Her dad was the assistant coach on the team, and they had been working towards that goal.) According to the final defender that was supposed to let her go, he didn't 'let' her... she flattened him! Her dad is no doubt smiling about that one...

The family is taken care of for meals for the next month, and I'm sure anything else as they figure out this new, unwanted, adventure.

But what struck me the most is the caliber of women I get to call 'friends' through this Sub life. I mean, yes, ALL of the stereotypes about military wives are true. I'm pretty sure I've met them all at one time or another. But I've also met people who continue to inspire, humble, and empower me. There is a reason why this gal made the cut. It's perhaps embodied in her reaction to the kid who hit her husband and changed her world in the blink of an eye.

She's mad as hell. (I mean, who wouldn't be?!) An accident like this would cost the kid his job in most cases in the Submarine world. Assuming this kid made a true error in judgment (which seems to be thencase as he's done EVERYTHING right regarding how to handle such an accident), he will have to live with the consequences. He, too, is a Navy Sailor, new to the area.

She sees that as punishment enough.

She sees that he has the capacity to turn this experience into the BEST OBJECT LESSON EVER of safe driving.  She recognizes that this guy could lose livelyhood and NONE OF THAT would rewind time and change things.

She supports him.

She's a unicorn; I'm convinced.

Since hearing about this situation, I also heard of a high school schoolmate being gunned down in her hometown by no fault of her own (wrong place, wrong time)...

So these days, I hug my little family a little tighter, rush to judgement a little slower, and count myself blessed to have such amazing people cross my path.

When Grocery Stores Change Your Perspective

A few weeks ago, I was walking through a local gourmet market with My Sailor and Beanie Girl. She started to cry, so I went and changed her diaper, but that only helped for a moment. It had been a long day out for a 6 week old (at the time), so I knew she was just over stimulated and just done. Which was fine, but we needed a few things before we ended up at home.

My Sailor left to expedite the process by getting the necessary shopping done, while I carried Beanie Girl in my arms, bouncing her gently and trying to get her to take her pacifier. For those few moments, I noticed people exiting the aisle quickly and generally avoiding the screaming baby. I  didn't blame them one bit. I hadn't lost my cool, but it was obvious my nerves were frayed and we were both exhausted, despite the reassuring tones in my words to her.

She might as well have been screaming, "NEW MOM OVER HERE! ROOKIE AT WORK! SAVE ME FROM THE LEARNING CURVE PLEASE!"

Suddenly someone approached us. I was waiting for a well intended peice of advice at best, or reprimand at worst.

Instead, the lady smiled at us and asked how old she was. I told her, still trying to calm Beanie Girl down, "Almost 2 months."

I couldn't bring myself to look at the woman. I thought, "Here it comes," and steeled myself for more of the unsolicited critiques of my lack of mothering skills that everyone seems to love to dish out.

Instead, the lady surprised me, complimenting Beanie Girl on her lungs and good looks. She passed by us, saying, "And don't worry. She's not that loud." 

And she left the aisle, without grabbing anything from the shelves.

An unexpected wave of relief washed over me, and I realized that THIS is what we need a little bit more of. 

Sometimes a situation doesn't need to be fixed. (Sometimes, it can't be.) But I can't think of a time when encouragement has been unwelcome.

So, thank you, grocery store lady.

And Beanie Girl thanks you too.

Beanie Girl Joins The 'Cyst'erhood Too Soon (Photo Heavy)

So, I've thought long and hard about sharing this information. It's a unique part of Beanie Girl's journey. What sold me on sharing this a) is that it's so incredibly rare, perhaps there is some other family out there that could use the information, and b) I've been an advocate for PCOS for so long, it seems wrong not to crack the window to it when it hits home. I'm now experiencing it from an entirely different angle -

My daughter's.

Following the legacy of 'the Impossible Girl' that she is, Beanie Girl has shown up with a condition that even the radiologist and pediatrician had never heard of.

Now, I don't have a lot of experience with infants this small, but meeting her needs thus far has been pretty simple. Feed her. Change her. Keep her warm. Love her. The basic demands of an infant are all there. She's pretty easy going (which we appreciate!). She is about six weeks old now, and sleeps well, nurses well, and is the resident expert in being adorable. While she struggled to put on weight during her first to weeks of life, she's now up to a whopping 8.6 lbs and is (finally) nicely filling out her newborn clothes, and starting to no longer wiggle out of 0-3 month clothes. 

She's busy growing and being adorable and doing all the usual baby things - hitting milestones a bit before their time. A bit of an overachiever, she's wasted no time in confounding her doctors.

About 2 weeks before she was born it was confirmed via ultrasound that she had what was thought to be a 7cm cyst on her ovary. That's right - her ovary. To give you readers some perspective, the ovary of an average adult female is only about the size of a walnut. A 7cm cyst on an adult is large.  The large growths that necessitated the removal of one of my ovaries was only 9 cm. There she was, not even born yet, and already outdoing her mom.




If that wasn't scary enough, the information out there about this type of condition is scattered and largely unhelpful. With a medical background, I have many resources. Research is my friend, but in this case, the research from the USA is completely and utterly mixed. (Here's the link if you're interested enough to read the report.) The report speculates that this condition is more common in children than we may think; we just now have the technology to catch it. While that's a little bit comforting (and makes me wonder what they would have seen on me had that technology been widely utilized in the late 1970's) the news regarding cysts her size was alarming.

To save ya'll some heavy duty reading, here are the concerning findings from that study for us:

"...large cysts are reported in 20-34% of newborns who succumb within the first 28 days of life." For the purpose of the study, 'large' is defined by 4-8cm. 8 was the largest one they found... Anyway, obviously Beanie Girl made it through her first month of life with flying colors.

While complications occurred in 34% of the study's participants - "The most frequent and frightening complication of simple cysts is torsion of the ovary." Torsion is when an ovary twists on itself, cutting off blood flow. It's vomit-inducingly painful and comes in with little or no warning. The large cyst IS the warning. When/if the ovary goes into torsion is any one's guess. While many adults have large cysts that don't result in torsion, they are more developed. Little humans are a bit more delicate when it comes to organs. Either way, adult or child, the result is the same. The offending ovary is removed. Having an organ (even one you have 2 of) removed is MAJOR surgery. (Trust me on this one - I know!)

"Other complications are intracystic hemorrhage, rupture, dystocia during birth, pressure on nearby structures such as blood vessels, uterus, intestines and urinary system."  Don't those sound like fun? Not...  Thankfully, she dodged many of them in utero, and continues to.

"Neonatal ovarian cysts may cause pain, irritability, vomiting, fever and abdominal distension. Peritonitis, anemia due to intracystic hemorrhage, fetal tachycardia due to peritoneal irritation or anemia, and sudden infant death syndrome may also occur." Before I scare everyone, they don't KNOW what causes SIDS. If they did, it wouldn't be called SIDs, it would be called whatever-it's-caused-by.  But needless to say, this requires some extra monitoring and caution. When she gets a fever, even a low grade one, we're monitoring it. When her stomach gets bloated (which is completely normal when a newborn eats), we're watching to make sure it goes down within a reasonable period of time. When she's crying, we're quickly running through everything to try to resolve it, because if we suspect it's caused by intractable pain, we're on our way to the ER.


Here's What This Means For Us

Since we know about her cysts, we can keep an eye on them.

Her first ultrasound (before she was born) showed a 7cm cyst. Her last ultrasound (about a 10 days ago) showed a 4x5cm cyst and a bunch of small ones where the 7cm one used to be. We're taking the conservative approach and watching and waiting. We need to go in every 4-6 weeks to monitor them. The hospital for the ultrasound is in Tacoma - about 45 minutes away from home - and we need to keep her NPO (nothing by mouth) for 4 hours before hand.

Though we know they aren't hurting her, it's far from 'fun' to hold her down while she screams in hunger and confusion on the ultrasound table...for over an hour... (They finally let me crawl up on the table and feed her as they tried to finish up their imaging...I get cranky if I go 4 hours without eating or drinking. I can't imagine how it must feel to a then-1-month-old! But I digress...)

So, here's where the conundrum lies - Small cysts studied usually shrink on their own. About 1/2 of the large cysts in the USA study (which only included 14 patients in 2 hospitals) required removal of the ovary due to torsion within the first 10 days of life. So we are somewhere in the middle right now. She still has a large simple cysts, but it's possible it's shrinking on its own.  

We are banking on that. Only time will tell. I hate to put all my eggs in one basket, but this is really the direction things take... Let's not find out if she Keloids too, please.

Now, when I had issues with my cysts I was older. I could tell folks what was happening.  I could tell them my back hurt, my stomach hurt, I was nauseated, etc...

We have just become Beanie Girl's translators. This makes things like childcare a bit more challenging. Babies cry (seemingly) inconsolably for LOTS of reasons. But we don't need our sitters to 'tough it out'. We need them to call us if they can't discover the cause of the tears. Torsion, left unchecked, can quickly become a life-threatening situation - especially in someone so little.

 Every time she comes down with a low grade fever (common for someone who is doing a lot of growing) or has a gastric issue (common for someone just getting used to, ya know, digesting), we're to call the pediatrician's office.

All of those could mean big things for her.

A Bean and her Boxer

But we're lucky. We have a team of physicians who admit they don't know everything and are up for the challenge of researching and learning about this with us - rather than a team who ignores what they don't understand. Stumbling upon a good team is truly a gift.

"I talked to the Radiologist after they talked to you and she said she was relieved. She said [Beanie Girl] has the perfect mom for her condition." - Dr. Awesome, Beanie Girl's Pediatrician, today.Okay, let's talk turkey here.

The reality of genetics is that Beanie Girl might not even have this condition if she was born to anyone else. There is a good argument for PCOS and similar conditions begin genetically passed on, but I don't blame myself (or my heavy back squats - which didn't cause, help, or hurt the situation, for the record). Blame is non-productive, utterly useless, and a waste of energy (and energy is hard to come by these days!). I believe she is supposed to be with us or we wouldn't have been able to have her to begin with.  Science told use we shouldn't be able to have kids, statistically. We didn't use any advanced medical methods to have her. She's here because she's meant to be and that's all there is to it.  Having had rather extensive experience on ovarian cysts (including decades of research), I have a few tricks for controlling them up my sleeves. However, they make things like formula an absolute no-go which, at the moment, isn't a problem since she's exclusively handling boob-juice like a champ. But in the future, we'll be avoiding/limiting her soy intake, since she's now prone to these cysts, as well as foods that encourage inflammation. Staying lean seems to help most 'cyst'ers, and I'm sure research will continue to turn over new ways of avoiding the complications they cause. While I feel that women's medicine is still (largely) in the Dark Ages, there are shafts of light from time to time.

Out and about on a rough day

 This is just part of her journey. 

And, whatever form or path this journey take - we'll be there for Beanie Girl.

After all, she's our Impossible Girl.
*Bonus points for those who understand the DW reference.*