"Feelings of disappointment can either drown you, or shape you...Sometimes, they may just be a new beginning." -Walt Disney, "Walt Before Disney"
Now, before I get too far down the rabbit hole here, allow me to be very clear.
My life is pretty good. Pretty damn good. I've family that adore me and that I can't wait to get home to. We have a full cupboard currently (thanks largely to a fabulous local Buy Nothing group) and are getting caught up on some vital household bills. The lights are still on; we still have a roof over our heads, and I have the Impossible Girl, who is growing up - practically crawling now. Thanks to hand me downs, we haven't had to buy much of anything for her, aside from a few toys here or there at Goodwill. I'm seeing success in the gym, Just this week, having reclaimed my triple digit Snatch this week (That's just 10 pounds off my lifetime max!) and my client roster is back on the upswing (which is surprising this time for year, but a huge blessing none-the-less).
But let's face it - there are things that I definately miss of late... and more than my fair share of disappointment going around.
I have THE BEST friends... and it's been fun reflecting on how far they have come in their fitness journeys, but, although I miss them all something fierce, and when we hang out, there is little in common currently. It's not anyone's fault- my life is just about keeping things afloat (a business I love, a girl I love, a household I love, and a guy I love) in a time and space where almost none of it is coming easy. I went from the girl who planned Saturday nights at a local brewery and drives 90 minutes round trip to soend 2 hours in the gym on Sunday morning with her friends doing Olympic Liftingand Crossfit.
Being up every 45 minutes-2hrs with the Impossible Girl isn't conducive to early rising. It's not the drive, but the fact that the alarm has to go off an hour before I need to leave, just to feed The Impossible Girl and pack her up before leaving. Long nights aren't conducive to driving 90 minutes round trip and putting heavy weight over one's head, much less doing anything with 'intensity'.
And then there is the cost - of gas, of the class, of the breakfast with the gang afterwards... I'm sure they've noticed at this point. First, I stopped going out to breakfast. Then I started going every other week...Then only to one class...then I stopped going all together because honestly, some weeks it wasn't the lack of sleep- it was the extra expense in gas... If The Impossible Girl was under the weather, or my in-gym client load was low for some reason, it doesn't leave wiggle room in the budget for anything else-including travel time.
We haven't had a date night since February. It's nearly May, and there aren't any on the horizon either.
Sitters are expensive, and I'm not in a position to trade services right now.
My friends and fellow athletes are killing it in competitions all around me that I can't gather the capitol to enter... I cheer them all on virtually (and in person when I can?, but I'm the 'on the bench' member of the team for the forseeable future...
And it sucks...not how I pictured 2016.
My non Fitness pals are taking over my Facebook feed with Disney trips and awesome travel status. While it's fun to share in their adventures, my latest adventure is going through my closet for a rummage sale because I need to renew some business stuff next month. When is our next vacation/adventure? We don't know.. 2017 maybe?
The idea of it being a Disney trip is WONDERFUL, but that's, honestly, still a pipe dream. Even a weekend away seems out of reach. Planning anything is still next to impossible. If it's not the financial aspect, it's the exhaustion factor - and if it's not me that's exhausted, it's My Sailor, who currently works 2am-12pm, and then takes over baby parenting duties as I work in the evenings chiefly.
Most of our 'quality' time is spent in front of the tv or the cell phones now a days - which equates to low quality for everyone. We try to go to the gym or walks together, but it often devolves into being too tired... As for the thought of being a foster parents? Currently, it is as far from reality as it ever was.
I think Facebook contributes a lot too the feeling of disappointment or discontent. Ignorance is bliss, and if left to a world without Facebook (yes, I still remember one), I would be less aware of the competitions/events I'm missing, and therefore, less agitated by the situation. I mean, I see folks taking their toddlers/infants to WDW and I long to take my little there too.... but, would it haunt me so much if my phone didn't blink with it several times a day? Likely not...
Disappointment and discontent are bitter tasting vitamin Ds.
So, I realize I have a choice. I can either play the pity party game, or not.
Well, I've decided that I'm not playing anymore. Someone out thereis WISHING they were in my shoes, so what do I REALLY have to be annoyed about?!
Yes, I am grateful that I get to spend so much time with my little one, and I know it won't last forever, but I find, when I'm most fufilled personally, I bring that recharged, fulfilled person home. And that's as valuable as money in the bank. It makes me a better coach, a better wife, and a better mom.
My Sailor deserves that. The Impossible Girl deserves that too.
So My Sailor and I are doing some talking and we're going to sort things out. We got some much needed help this week so we can breathe a bit, and we know what we're figuring out a plan that everyone can work with.
I'm really kind of grateful for discontent...
It's a great catalyst for change.