Thursday, February 27, 2014

"It's Not You; It's Me" or "One Day's Wins"

"Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten." - Lilo and Stitch
There was an unexpected outcry from my Facebook followers regarding my recent decision to suspend my involvement (at least for the immediately foreseeable future) with all of the mom/foster/adoption groups I was part of. It surprised me that people even bothered noticing my absence since I rarely had anything of value to share on those fronts, other than the run down of mostly delays and disappointments. We had about a month of progress that didn't require me making a daily pain of myself to some agency or other, but now we're at a place where there is literally nothing I can do to fix this, make it go faster, or, even make it happen at all this year.

Many people have been very kind and understanding. They've reached out with all the 'right things' to say. Some have shared their own stories of 'waiting' for matches and what not. If you're one of those people, my mind hears what you're saying, but my heart isn't in a place to handle your sympathy right now. I am generally grateful for the support and the nuggets of wisdom wrapped in familiar verbiage.

Never fear - I know you're just a message away if I need you.

Since so many people posted their support privately and otherwise, I decided perhaps a short explanation is on order. And here it is.

It's not you. It's me.

I'm in a situation where there is no solution except for time. As we've been disappointed time and time again during this process, my bar is set really freakin' low right now.

Here's the trick - It's not your job to raise that bar. In fact, pretty pretty pretty please don't! I've been playing the domestic adoption game for nearly 3 years now. I was 'supposed to' have had a family 2 years ago... then last year... now this year... I've played this game already, and it's just better for me if I keep the bar about 2 inches above the ground, rather than even begin to pretend I see an end in sight. This 'miscarriage' is a bit different in that My Sailor and I are battling it all individually, with little to no contact at all. What contact we do have, I can't share bad news in, so everything is sugar coated and wrapped up with a pretty little bow, if he gets to know about it at all. Rehashing things over and over and over isn't going to help me to stop dwelling on something I can't change and move forward in other areas of my life. Trust me, there is venting (which I've done) and dwelling (which I am in danger of doing).

Tomorrow I'm going to finish building the overdue trundle bed in the spare room, slide it under the bottom bunk, straighten up the room, and nail the door shut so that Odin can't get in there to prophetically poop on the carpet anymore. 

And that will be that for the foreseeable future all on the kid front.

I removed myself from the Facebook groups because there is no need to keep poking the bruise that is my family life with the stick that is Facebook. Everyone deserve to enjoy their Facebook experience. That includes those with great news about their kiddos, and those like me who need to redirect their energies elsewhere. It may not seem 'fair', but from where I stand, it makes perfect sense.

Today, I wasted no time in beginning the process of redirecting all of that energy that is now free from the process of phone calls, worry, and family building.

I started counting my wins.
Win - I bought that t-shirt over 2 years ago as a "goal" shirt for my weight loss. It NEVER fit. Now, it fits with a knit layer underneath!
And since people tend to find what they are looking for, I actually found a lot! They were little things,  like finishing an estimated 8 minute work out in just under 7 minutes, lifting 100lbs from the floor to my shoulders 4 times, working until 1am without falling asleep at the keyboard, booking my flight to Florida for the Expedition Everest 5k and finding out that that whole trip will be MUCH less expensive than I anticipated, I got the Progressive Snap Shot thing working in My Sailor's car, and I got a better deal than I expected on Chia seeds at CostCo. Oh, and, yet again, it was a BEAUTIFUL sunny day in the WA.

It's easy to feed the beast of negativity some times. It only needs 1 big thing to live off of. The other beast feeds of all the other charmed little things going on in my life.

I have plenty of coping mechanisms. I can only hope and have faith that My Sailor is making peace in his own way (if he knows about any of this). Poor guy is stuck in a metal tube on a boat where a large number of his shipmates are new fathers themselves...

SO - this is the final word on the adoption topic for now.  I'm going to resurrect an old segment - Win of the Week will be coming on Friday! I wonder what will make the cut....

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