|I've never been comfortably able to wear a cute little short skirt. Santa brought me my body, so he's done here!|
And that's where Legs is a big of a moron.
You see, it's the holidays. Christmas Eve, in fact - my favorite day of the year usually. But instead of waking up excited, it just doesn't feel like Christmas Eve, despite my best efforts.
I've been stealing moments of joy where I can, but it's been a real challenge to shake the near-constant feeling of disappointment.
Now, I'm willing to admit a certain amount of angst probably has to do the Year of Firsts since Dad passed away. I'm mad that I can't call him and say hi when I went. I'm mad that my mom is miserable. This time last year, my family was visiting. The tree was up and decorated. The house was filled with goodies and company.
This year, we canceled our party to spend the weekend together. Instead, we spent it working.
I practically had to pull My Sailor's leg to get him to go to two holiday shows with me, though we had fun both times once he was there.
We never finished putting up our Christmas lights.
Our tree is still on the balcony, leaning against a wall.
I never got the bedroom decorated.
Today, My Sailor and I had planned to go to the gym together, but after waking up, My Sailor opted to go spend some time with his family in the city. I'm not going to make him "choose" between time with me and time with them, but I gotta admit, I'm just a tad offended. See, today he's having fun baking with his niece. Last night, after being shot down when it came to going Christmas light hunting multiple times, I had to basically refuse to sit down in order for him to start baking with me. When all was said and done, we had a good time baking, but it wasn't something he was excited about (though he was a HUGE help when it came to some of the dirty work).
When My Sailor was wanted to spend time with me, it hasn't been out doing a holiday activity. He's so worn out that it's "Let's sit down and watch something." It just feels like 'another night'. (I can't blame the guy. By the time he gets to sit down at night, the last thing he wants to do is drive an hour to see Christmas lights. He wants to enjoy just being at home. He deserves that and it's truly endearing, in it's own way.)
When Legs found herself complaining to a DEPLOYED Air Force spouse, who is spending the holidays in Italy, far away from her children and husband, it became clear it was time.
Time for a Holiday Smack Down.
It went something like this -
Legs: "But I didn't get to do what I wanted to do before Christmas!"
Smack Down: "Have you flown solo so long that you've forgotten how to be flexible when it comes to others?"
Legs: "But it's Christmas Eve and we're not doing ANYTHING traditional!!"
Smack Down: "Since when has ANYTHING about you BEEN 'traditional'? Besides, you did get to attend 2 shows, your local tree lighting ceremony, and go cut down your tree down. Don't exaggerate. Isn't part of growing a family creating new traditions over time?"
Legs: "But, it's Christmas Eve, My Sailor is home and he chose to change plans at that last minute to not spend the day with me!"
Smack Down: "How often does he have time off to visit with family? Much less during the holidays. Don't make people choose between family members. Your spouse always loses that game no matter what they choose. Part of being awesome is being awesome to your spouse. Besides, you like flying solo, right?"
Legs: "Well, yeah…some time to myself is nice, but I spend a lot of time alone by circumstance. When it happens by choice, especially around the holidays, it kinda sucks. I expected this to be a big, fun, romantic season since it's our last Christmas without kids, and actually our first Christmas where it could just be the 2 of us getting in some good snuggle time. All of that would be a helpful distraction from the fact that Dad's not around and Mom is miserable. I envisioned strolling through Christmas lights with hot chocolate, taking cute couple self-shots, watching holiday movies together and just enjoying that warm glow of Christmas. We've been so busy, we don't have time to create traditions, much less do any of that. That's not the family dynamic that I want for our family - pulled in so many directions that we put ourselves last. We've been so stressed, we've been bickering a lot. Yes, I like flying solo, but I don't want to like it to the point where I choose it over company - and I'm very close to that point. I'm starting to see my life the same way I did a few years ago - a great big full adventure that is just lacking one thing - romance. I don't want that."
Smack Down: "Now we're to the heart of the matter. This holiday isn't living up to your expectations. Now, expectations aren't a bad thing, Legs. They are good, healthy, and the product of hope most of the time. All good things. The problem with these particular expectations, Legs, is that they didn't seem to include anyone else's wants/needs/desires. You just expected someone else to want everything you wanted and be excited about going along for the ride. You wanted someone else to feel the way you do. That hasn't worked out, so you're disappointed. You know that flying solo is fun, but you also know very well that it gets lonely. You know what? That's okay. It's okay to be disappointed when things do go as you expect them to or when you don't get what you want. Life rarely gives us either of those. What's not okay is taking that out on other people. Other people have the right to their feelings. So, for tonight, go pour yourself something festive to drink, make yourself salmon for one, and enjoy your flying solo time. Trust me, this time next year you might wish for some peace and quiet."
Legs: "Alright, Smack Down. You have good points. Besides, I'm a Submariner's Wife! I can roll with anything. It's part of the job description, right?"
Smack Down: "Damn skippy. That's the spirit! And, by the way, I think Santa came early, because, damn girl, those legs!"
Legs: (Giggle) "Yeah, you're right. I've got a lot to be grateful for."
I love your postings, they always bring me additional insight into who you are. I know the holidays will have bring a little sadness with a loss of a loved one no longer here, but always know they are in your heart sharing all that you hold dear in all you do.ReplyDelete
On a side note...those LEGS are GORGEOUS!!! so jealous. Merry Christmas to you & your Sailor Man (and your doggies too).