When the World Paused - Day 408 - Meltdown Day

Military families (like mine) sign up knowing that deployments are part of work. The kids born into military families don't have a choice. They learn the coping mechanisms along the way. They learn to let go and hang on to an invisible bond that can't be reinforced every day. They don't understand the danger that comes with many deployments, but The Impossible Girl is getting older and learning more and more about My Sailor's job. 

Last week, we watched snippets of a submarine special that is on youtube. She saw what it looks like where daddy sleeps, eats (she was especially facinated that they can COOK under water), and a little bit about what his work looks like. So even when we're far apart, she has some point of reference she can draw from. (She also wants to go on a submarine someday "just like daddy". I encouraged her dreams - as always.)

This week, we took a break and headed to Great Wolf Lodge for 1 night. We only do the water park and come home, especially during Covid. It was my first time chasing a 5 year old around a water park, but The Impossible Girl is did really well. Despite an unpredictable start to the day - an absence seizure on her way out of the car at school - the trip went very smoothly. She listened to all instructions and followed all the rules with no complaint. She was thrilled to pop in the wave pool and add her gleeful nonsense words into the din of crashing waves. We didn't have a melt down...

Until we were on our way out.

 As we were packing up to leave the water park (which she delayed as long as possible), we were talking about coming back someday. I mentioned to her that I'd talked to My Sailor about coming back for TWO nights when he gets home, so she can do the water slides with them. That triggered the reminder that he wasn't there with us. For the next 15 minutes or so, she quietly cried, repeating 'Daddy daddy daddy' over and over again. I scooped her into my lap and hugged her. This was the melt down I had expected when he left months ago. For some reason, it needed to happened now.

She didn't stop crying quietly, murmuring 'Daddy' as we walked back to the room hand in hand. I'm sure people nearby thought Dad was at the snack stand or something, but Dad was much farther away.  I sat down on a towel on the floor. She pulled off her mask and opened her mouth in a silent scream. I opened my arms and she ran into my lap and sobbed for 15 minutes, unable to get out more than a sob and the word 'Daddy'. I asked her if she was sad because we were leaving. She shook her head no. It was what I thought. "Are you crying because you miss Daddy?" She nodded and sobbed. We hugged and rocked and shed some tears together for a while. I reassured her that we'll have days like this and it's okay to hurt. It means you love him. I assured her we're going to be okay, and that if she ever feels like this again, she can tell me (or a teacher at school) and we can hug it out until it passes a bit and she feels ready to move on. 

We got home and there happened to be a package waiting from a Disney pal, which included some tea and "Emergency Tiaras" because sometimes we all need them, right? 

These are the day to day challenges. It's normal to see behavior regressions and a flurry of emotions. Sometimes the flurry is more like an avalanche... 

When the World Paused, Day 378 - The Impossible Girl gets a Rare Diagnosis

 I'm going to start with a 2020 Winter Recap. Right now, that's easy to write. Scroll down if you want to see how the title comes into play. 

The holidays went by in a flash and I spent a good chunk of time piecing together another package of cards, letters and photos for My Sailor's deployment. This time, it was hard to find photos that didn't include us masked up. It's become a true sign of the times for 2020 and 2021, so far. My Sailor has been vaccinated and it's back to me and The Impossible Girl, who has grown by leaps and bounds. As she nears six years old, I finding a mixture of shock and delight when she shows me what she can do now, that the 4 year old Impossible Girl couldn't do. Speech therapy has become a weekly commute we look forward to, and she's been working on using those mental tools she's learning there to help her speech. 

Speech Therapy has been an enlightening experience for both of us. There are motor issues that take some training. We work on it much like I work with clients to train their bodies to do things they didn't think were possible. Only in The Impossible Girl's case, it's learning to get her tongue to touch behind her teeth for a proper "el" sound, or learning to break down works and elongate the "S" sound in words like "Stop" or "spoon". We have a long way to go, but there is lots of progress too. It's a 'big picture' kind of thing. I'm glad we have a President who battles stuttering now. It's something we can share with her as she gets older as proof that it shouldn't hold her back (while we work on strategies to get around it at the same time). I know most 5 year old kids don't look at the President as a role model, but maybe someday it will come in handy. 

The Impossible Girl and I have instituted some rituals to make the days a bit more distinctive from each other. Friday is Family Movie Night. I work weekends, but it is a nice way to look forward to spending some time cuddling up and introducing her to some classics. Titles have included The Last Unicorn, Muppets Most Wanted, the Aristocats, Peter Pan, and Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

 

I built a shed to keep working with the lousy weather. They Y DID reopen, but with all the rules still in place, many clients are more comfortable coming to my little space to work out. My evening clients currently have to come to my little space, as child care for a high risk kid during Covid is hard to come by. We still rarely go into stores (her especially). Curbside pick ups are our norm, so when we do stop into a store, it's a quick treat. She's a wonder at wearing a mask without an issue and a wonder about not touching things. Sanitizer is a normal thing now. 

February bought a weekend of being snowed in. Everyone enjoyed that.

And My Sailor and I spent lots of time playing table and card games before he left as well. 

The Impossible Girl went back to Forest School, and, at the time of press, has visited the campus' Kindergarten classroom. She was very excited about it and quick to tell me all she learned on just that one day.

For my 41'st birthday in January, we spent a night in a hotel in Seattle and I spent the Disney gift card I got for Christmas at the Disney outlet store the next day. Usually I'd save it for a trip, but since we have no idea when we're going to be able to get back into the parks, I needed a fix. It was nice to just be out of the house for an evening. 

And that takes us all the way back to December. We decided to go ahead and get The Impossible Girl's tonsils and adenoids removed while My Sailor was around to help with the rough recovery.

She was a trooper. We did spend Christmas Eve in the ER when her nose wouldn't stop bleeding - and she was in a lot of pain for about 11 days. Come day 12, she was MUCH better.

 Unfortunately...

Waiting at the outpatient Surgery center. Due to Covid, no overnight observations are allowed.

Reading a new book while she waits to get taken back

Recovery room watching cartoons

 

surgery only stopped the snoring. A recent sleep study showed that the sleep apnea is still present. However it's not Obstructive Sleep Apnea. It's Central Sleep Apnea. 

What is Central Sleep Apnea?

To sum up all that Google will tell you - it's a condition that occurs when your brain stops telling your lungs to do their job while you're sleeping. Her case is mild, but I've learned a lot in the process.  Central Sleep Apnea is rare. 1-4% of children have sleep apnea to begin with - so it's not common. Less than 1% of the general population in the US have Central Sleep Apnea, so it's very rare in children without another severe illness. For now, she'll be getting a ring to wear on her thumb when she sleeps. It sends an alert to my phone if she desaturates for an extended period of time, and gives us more information to see if she grows out of this rarity, or if it'll require more earnest treatment. 

Usually Central Sleep Apnea comes with other, bigger, more serious baggage. Our style doesn't seem to follow that pattern. Is this somehow all possibly connected to the weird hormones she may have going on, being born with Ovarian Cysts? I don't know. I doubt we'll ever have an answer.

But I'd be lying if I said the news didn't rattle me. It rattled me. Significantly.

 In her history, The Impossible Girl has come down with pnuemonia starting at 9 months old. Nearly once a year since, she'd get some upper respiratory thing that has sent us in for chest x-rays and medications for pnuemonia. (The excluding years were 2019- 2021 so far.) The reoccurring bouts left us with a mild asthma (likely triggered by viral infections) diagnosis. 

Right now, everything is mild and sleep is still better than it was pre-surgery. Honestly, if I had it to do all over again, I probably would have made the same decision. They likely wouldn't have uncovered the Central component until the surgery was done anyway, and her rough recovery is now a distant memory.

As scary as it is to send a kiddo with some questionable respiratory stuff to school during a pandemic, for her mental health, she needs other people in her life. We have a wonderful village of humans in our lives - and connecting with them keeps us sane. She needs people outside of me and My Sailor.

So we plan for the future! The Impossible Girl and I have Covid safe Spring Break plans, and I'm looking forward to a safer future as the world continues to spread the vaccinations around.

I call her The Impossible Girl for lots of reasons. But she isn't just Impossible. She's Remarkable.

And that's always a good thing.

When The World Paused - Day 243 - It's STILL 2020?

(Septemberish?)

 So since I last blogged a LOT has happened - and absolutely nothing has happened as well. Buckle up and I'll see if I can make it make sense. 

The Impossible Girl has changed campuses twice - and are again on a short break from school (calling it a rest, since stricter restrictions are going into effect this week and the Thanksgiving break was coming up anyway). 

 This time it was hard on her to take a break from friends . She has a lot of transition of the adults in her life (My Sailor - aka her dad) goes in and out on deployments with work. There is a noticable sag in her shoulders when she asks, "Daddy's at work?" and I answer, "Yes. Dad's at work." Though she occasionally growls at him and isn't sure she likes having 2 adults keeping her in line during the day, it's clear they are bonded and she misses him when he's away. She misses her friends as well. But at least we all have each other right now.

She has lost a her two bottom teeth now and we've been to several doctor's offices. She's finally enrolled in Speech Therapy. It's about 90 minutes round trip, but it's well worth the commute. She likes it and they were able to get us in without the normal 6-9 month waiting list locally.

We also have an updated sleep study scheduled for spring to check on her sleep apnea. If it's still present, we'll likely be heading to a tonsillectomy in the summer. Hopefully that will solve it.

Halloween was simple. We threw a little party at the house, let her hunt through for candy, and did a drive through - no contact trick or treat event at a local church. She didn't miss the bigger events at all. Things were just different. 

So obviously I've tried hard to dip deep into my pool of resourcefulness and pull out every tool I find in there. But getting a $200 pay check is supremely humbling. And it's not because I'm bad at my job or anything. The Y's I work out of will be closing until at least mid December. I was just able to get back in there and get to work! I've lost a few clients to their own job loss, gone virtual with a few others, and focused on nutrition with still others. The latest guidance says we have to work out outdoors. In Washington, it's dark by around 4:30pm, and usually rainy, windy, and hovering around 40 degrees. Some stalwart folks have stuck around for it. We're building shelters and sheds to try and make it work. It's a crazy mess. I've had clients have to cancel for 2 weeks once they have been exposed to someone with the virus, and I've had to close down when my husband was exposed at work. And when I don't work, I don't get paid. There is no aid for little guys like me. 

It's been a crazy time. But here's to living one day at a time and paying attention to what's ahead. 

When the World Paused - Day 171 - Big Steps and Tiny Whispers

 It's hard to believe that it's been over a month since I've added any notes to this. I spent many late nights getting caught up on freelance writing work and (finally) finishing my Precision Nutrition certification. Since that business is now up and running, there has been a shift in my work load, so I have a little spare time to add to this before I go to sleep.

Not much has changed in our daily lives. Going indoors to stores is still a rarity. Hikes are still a thing. 

Forest school reopened for a summer camp program and will be restarting for my kiddo in a couple weeks.  

But here's how we survived the summer (so far). 

A friend introduced us to some playful waterfall fun thanks to a little hide away spot on Gold Creek Pond trail. Well worth the detour.

Blackberries are ripe EVERYWHERE. It's a fun time of year. Nearly every walk, even around a neighborhood, comes with a sun-kissed snack.

We donned our masks and took a socially distance, contact free visit to Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium. We didn't brave the crowds to go in the big aquarium, but it's always a fun day anyway. The Impossible Girl is maddly in love with Trolls World Tour, which has resulted in the hip hop backwards had style and rock on hand signs at the same time. 

We made it through her 5th birthday and My Sailor's 37th birthday (long distance). 

We got back to Summer camp, masked and ready to go! It was a great, much needed time for both of us. I had some peace in the mornings to tackle my own work outs, work, and various projects that are hard to do while being the chief human in a 5 year old's life.

Local friends set up an epic painted rock hunt in our front yard. It was a fantastic surprise. 

We tackled a 5k hike through the North Kitsap Heritage Trails. I only carried her for about a mile, and even that was broken up into 2 sections - mostly down hill, thankfully. There are no epic views on this trail. Just miles of quiet forest to explore.

I came up some with delicious dinners, including a carmelized sweet potatoes (okay, I admit, I like them a little blackened) and some improvised mung bean noodle soup.

We've been on 2 kayaking adventures that have us absolutely excited to keep this up. The weather has been beautiful and helpful.

Without Summer Camp or School right now, days are super loose. I'm working on developing my business little by little, and I've lined up some of the specialists to come out and look at the house and discuss options with us. The Y is reopening and for the clients who aren't comfortable going back, I have a shed coming to the house, as well as some gear to make a sheltered lifting space here at home. Personally, I am looking forward to having a space to lift where she can play safely nearby and not in group care.

  

I'm making significant progress organizing and managing the home front. (To any 'stay at home mom' I ever short changed - ya'll are amazing.) The Impossible Girl is growing up during a pandemic, and she will likely remember these days at her age. So, we keep plugging along. 

When the World Paused - Day 120 - Masks Mandated and The Great Outdoors

The world is turning quickly these days. A lot has happened in just the past week. Masks are now a mandatory thing in Washington to enter businesses, and in Seattle, they are mandatory all the time. (A brief stop on a drive today went further in to prove that.) 

But this past week, my brother and I made good on our first 'vacation' together - while sanitizing like crazy, wearing our masks, and doing lots of social distancing. Now, I'll admit - hanging out with my big brother has always been an awesome thing for me. He's on a bit of a pedastool, even though we're both in our 40's now. I see him through realistic glasses, but he's turned into kind of an amazing guy. Since our dad passed away, I see a lot of little quirks of Dad's personality in him. Like I've always said, blood may be thicker than water, but love is what binds us all together. We're a choosen family - not a biological one, but however we came to be - I won the family lottery.

This weekend, we put our bodies to the test and did some socially distant amazing hiking through the Cascade Mountains - with The Impossible Girl en tow, of course.

The trip started with a visit to FinnRiver Cidery and Fort Worden on the Penninsula. Both were easy to stay socially distanced. I wasn't sure how things would go once we got to our home base for the trip - the tiny town of Leavenworth - but it turned out they have also made adjustments. 

They shut down the main street to cars and put picnic tables in the streets to help assist with social distancing, and to help keep the businesses (which rely almost entirely on tourism) to stay attractively open. 

The Impossible girl doesn't love masks or the sun, but she's great at understanding that it keeps her germs to herself. She is also a pro at sanitizing and understanding the purpose behind all of this without letting it really get to her. It's just a change. We miss play grounds and sporting events and movie theaters, but this vacation taught me something I plan to carry forward into my life in all my future parenting. 

 

If you've known me for more than a couple hours - you know I am team 'TAKE THE TRIP'. Don't wait until a small child will (might) remember it clearly. Don't wait until they are perfectly behaving or potty trained, or weaned. TAKE THE TRIP. (I mean, by all means, do what's right for your family. This is just the advice you'll get from me if you ask.) It's EXHAUSTING traveling with a small kid. There is a lot of gear to lug around and things you may not need to worry about at home. It's easier to stay home - or is it?

When we travel, even if it's somewhere like Leavenworth, we try to learn something. Sometimes it's just seeing people that don't look like us, or talk like us. Sometimes it's just to walk a different street and experience a different way of life. Sometimes - like this time - it was to discover that nature has built some wonders that even Disney hasn't been able to replicate. 

In Deception Falls (a fairly easy 1 mile hike), we all learned that the water is SO cold and the rocks and sand do such a good job of filtering the water that NOTHING will live in it. It's fresh and frigid and breath taking.

(We also learned that her legs are magically too tired when she's at the bottom of a hill or a staircase..)

I am always grateful that I can carry her, even now at 40 pounds and nearly 5 years old, around without much of a second thought.  

The hike a Deception Falls was one she did almost all of herself. She was afraid of the roar of the waterfalls for a while, but by the end, she was screaming, "THIS IS SO COOL!" I was also astounded. I've seen waterfalls before, but something about being so close to that one, that was rushing so fast, was just amazing. 

The hike we did the day before she wasn't really up for. She tried, but tired quickly (and the asthma flare up didn't help). I carried her nearly the entire way. 4 miles, about 2.5 hours - and some sights I'll not soon forget. 

My brother snapped this photo as The Impossible Girl and I walked on a bridge crossing a raging river. Summary of the trip is all right there in that photo.

We saw some amazing things - although no animals. It was hot and the middle of the day.

I would never have really considered taking a hiking vacation with The Impossible Girl at this age. Honestly, at this age, if it isn't Disneyland or a Disney related adventure, I don't think I would have bothered with taking her hiking. Camping with a 4 year old sounds like a special form of torture - trying to keep track of her while trying to set up camp.

But this was a great trip. She was a great traveler and was very excited about the whole adventure (and equally as excited to play with all of her toys at home when we returned).  I would never really had considered it, if it was just her and me - because being 'on' as mom doesn't end or really even change just because we change the scenery. But it did recharge my heart a bit. And maybe that's exactly what I didn't realize I needed. 

It was a much needed reminder that we can safely travel and marvel in the things out in it. ...

And follow it up with quite possibly the world's best ice cream...

This kind of trip may be a new summer time favorite. 

 It's not the kind of vacation where all the worries go away. (In fact, you're looking for things like bears constantly.) But it is the kind of trip that deepens our understanding of each other as well as the world around us.