I did it! Pushing the limits!!!!

So today I went to bed late, work up late, and had a bit of a runny nose. SO many signs this isn't going to be a good day, right?

So let me give you a run down of my lunch time:

Me: Ugh, I am so tired. And I'm feeling sick. Do I really need to work out?
Evil Me: Yeah, it's okay. You don't really need to do it today. Good sleep is really helpful to weight loss too. Just go take a nap.
Me: But I didn't really work out yesterday.
Evil Me: You took that bike ride in almost 100 degree heat for about 3 miles! That was a work out!
Me: Not really. I had to stop for lots of street lights. I got a good sweat going, but I hardly got my heart rate up.
Evil Me: But you went to bed late last night, AND overslept this morning, so you probably really need the rest.
Me: True...
Evil Me: And you haven't really been able to concentrate on work. Keep looking up Disney World stuff and Wedding stuff even though you're not even close to getting engaged.
Me: Yeah...
Evil Me: It's not that important to lose weight. Face it. You're never going to have those Xena legs you want anyway.
Me: Well, it's important that I stay healthy, regardless of what my legs look like.
Evil Me: Come on, you don't really need to put on those gym clothes. They could really use a wash anyway. Why not just take today off? Besides, there is nothing on afternoon TV in the gym anyway.
Me: Well, true. It's usually just people in a mocked-up court room who can't get their lives together. Not terribly entertaining - just sad.
Evil Me: Right. And do you really want to listen to your Ipod?
Me: I am getting a little tired of podcasts... but Lou Mongello put out a new one today...
Evil Me: But it's just an interview with Bob Gurr  (Disney Legend for design work - designing just about every vehicle in Disneyland from the opening of the park).  How can you keep a pace up listening to an interview?
Me: Well, ya know, I've underestimated Lou's interviews before. I bet I'll like this one. It'll keep me interested and pass the time...
Evil Me: Wait a minute... you're getting into your gym clothes, just how much time are we talking here?!
Me: I am a little bored with my routine. Maybe I'll do a different program today.
Evil Me: Ugh...

End result?
I listened to the Podcast and found Bob Gurr rather inspirtational. AND... I completed a new program on the tread mill, completing a 3.5 mile jog. Didn't I say I wanted to be able to run a 5k at the end of the year? How about I'm RUNNING 5k's NOW almost daily!

No matter what the scale says on Tuesday, I'm happy w/ my overall healthy progress!

Truth and Gravity

One of my favorite movie quotes of all time:
“Sometimes, the things that may or may not be true are the things that a man needs to believe in the most: that people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power, mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love, true love, never dies. You remember that, boy. Doesn’t matter if they are true or not. A man should believe in those things because those are the things worth believing in.” - Hub, Secondhand Lions

Just because we don't believe in something, doesn't make it real. I was reminded of this as I pulled up some Christmas music to try and beat the heat.

Let me preface this by saying, I'm like Hub. I choose to believe that life isn't some dark dismal trudge to the grave. Sure, there are tough times, but even those won't last forever. There is always something new to be learned, something to dream about, something to reach for, and something to gain. Yes, there are times when evil seems to triumph, but I believe it won't stay that way for long.  When it comes to holidays, I believe in the spirit behind them. Sure, they are mostly centered around greeting cards, feasting until we pop, or other gifts, but the best gift we can give is our time, love, and attention to those around us. I look for things/people that inspire and move me. That's probably why I'm such a lover of art.

So - to help beat the summer heat, I thought I'd share something a bit Christmassy.

We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:
Dear Editor—

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O’Hanlon


Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.


Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.


You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.


No Santa Claus! Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood. - Source

I think believing in the good things in the world - even the good stories - has merit. Afterall, just because you don't believe in gravity, doesn't mean it won't effect you. But it might help you dream about flying every once in a while.

Chances and Changes

First the good news:
 It looks like my temporary roomie and friend (who has often gone by the nickname of Mud) has a new job and will be able to stay on with me. Yeah! I’m relieved that a stranger won’t be moving in. We’ve been under the same roof for over a month now, and haven’t killed each other, so that’s a good sign. In fact, he was really great about helping out while I was laid up. What a friends/family for?

More good news:

I’ve secured a good second job! I’ll be signing on the dotted line next week and will be working from home as an auditor again. While it’s no secret that I don’t love coding – I am grateful for my education in that area. It’s really helped me out and been my bread and butter. Once I get a couple of small debts paid off, I’ll be in good standings.
 

But today is kinda special -
 It’s rare that you’re aware that a phase of your life is ending and you’re on the cusp of something else. A completely new adventure.
  Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m ready to pack up all the good things in my life – all the good relationships, experiences, etc – and move into something new. I can’t even quite put my finger on it, but something it’s as if I’m slowly becoming aware of things changing. Sure – I have my tough days (like yesterday). But lately I’ve also had this feeling that something new is on its way. I’m at a place where I feel important decisions are coming up in my life. It’s not an anxious place – but rather a nice place of acceptance. It’s like I’m slowly coming to a place where I understand and accept all the experiences that make up me are what they are. No more negative emotions attached to them. They just were what they were – part of my shaping process. It’s a little restless. Not like I’m missing something, but rather I’m ready for a new “home”.

I’m not sure what all this will mean, but I’m interested to see how my story unfolds…

Never underestimate the power of family

Source

Today, I've been on the verge of being completely overwhelmed. Often times, life doesn't go according to plan. But when those plans gone-awry mean unexpected bills, well, that really sucks a person's soul. Financially drowing is highly restrictive. I'm starving, but I can't pretend it's comfortable.

My parents have been helping me out a lot over the last 6 months. Since it's taken me so long to find a roomie, they've been helping w/ the rent. Then, a monumental tax bill from the IRS... then medical bills... etc etc...

I know what you're thinking: "Aren't there things you could cut back on?" Admittedly, there are 4 things.
#1) Netflix ($9/month)
#2) Limited Basic Cable ($2/month)
#3) Disneyland Annual Pass ($35/month)
#4) Coffee/dining out ($40/month)

Coffee/dining out varies. I rarely go out w/o a coupon, and most of my "coffee" trips are actually "tea" trips, totalling a little over $1 each. These are also not daily.

So cutting out all of that would save me a grand total of $86/month.
While it's a start, it's simply not enough.

Being a single woman working from home - getting "out" and around people is important, but I'd feel a whole lot better about doing it if I weren't gasping for financial air.

I HATE asking for help - especially in the magnitude as it's been lately.  I did just get a small raise which should show up on my next paycheck. I have a headhunter looking for a 2nd job, part time, work from home coding job for me. While I'm reluctant to take a 2nd position that requires me to do more coding from home, if I need to be a hermit for a while to get these off my back, I will.

If it weren't for my parents willingness to help w/ no strings attached, I'm frightened to think of where I'd be today.  Though I feel like I'm drowing in a sea of debt (nearly all of which bankrupcy will not cure), I'm hopeful that, with the continued love, support, and guidance of my family, I won't be drowning for long.

Source

Path back! The final MD's visit!

After four months, this medical saga is coming to a close.

And damn, does it feel good.

Yesterday, I had a meeting w/ my MD where we looked over the wounds (which are healing well - just aren't pretty) and to go over my path report.

So far, here's the list of things they found (and a short description to save ya'll from googling):
Endometriosis - Believed to be caused by an excess of estrogen, this is when endometrial cells (which are natural in the body) grow outside of their usual place. This usually causes pain and is a chief contributor to infertility.
Ovarian Mucinous Cystadenoma - This is a benign tumor that grows.... and grows.... and grows... you get the picture. Usually considered a benign growth with the potential to become malignant. They are filled w/ a thick, gelatinous matter and basically won't stop growing until they are removed.
Adhesions - This can most easily be described as internal scar tissue that connects the affected organ to other parts of the body (surrounding muscle/organs/etc). Often causes pain.
Hemorhagic cyst - A cyst that is being filled w/ blood due to a broken blood vessel on the ovary. They bleed into the ovary and cause pain.

Obviously, keeping that ovary would have been moronic to say the least.

Those were the biggies. Again, the doctor was shocked that I wasn't really in as much pain as he thought I would be. (Then again, it's hard to tell how much pain you're in in this area when you are abstinent.) 
However, the MD also made another discovery:
The other ovary and all my girly/reproductive parts were normal.

What's changed since surgery?

The weight has been falling off. I'm down 6 lbs since my surgery day. 6 lbs in under a month a good, solid, steady weight loss.
The veil has been lifted. I've often felt as though my day to day life was a struggle between my rational mind and my emotional life. As if some veil or cloud of emotions clouded all my judgements. My heavy bouts of anxiety that I coped with just about daily? Nearly gone - or if not gone, easily put into perspective. Living in fear is no way to live. It's so debilitating. But my "I can" attitude seems to come easier now. I feel emotionally stronger and able to handle the ups and downs better.

It's amazing how hormones effect our lives (especially as women). There is a theory that perhaps I haven't had PCOS my whole life. Perhaps it was these tumors growing and growing and this operation has helped my body discover a new normal. It's a little early to tell for certain, but it's stunning to think that the way I've lived and coped for the last 11 years could possibly end now.  I have to admit, I've been in shock about it for a while, but I'm finding that I'm getting happier about it (especially as the weight falls off).
Just wow...

A good day

Yesterday, I'll be honest, stunk.
Someone really managed to push my button, hurt my feelings and make me so angry that I was up until about 3am on Monday...Couple hurt feelings with no physical way to work out the frustration due to my recovery, and I was stewing and pre-occupied all day. But I decided last night that today was going to be different. Today was going to be a good day.

And so far, that's held true! With the day almost 1/2 way over, I suspect it'll continue that way.

So here's the good of the day!
*Got a comment on my last blog about my peircings! It makes my day since cleaning them and laying on them is a bit uncomfortable, and it'll be a process for the next 12 weeks. I've decided they look like they've always been there on me, and that's a good thing. I don't wear earings very often, but I can see myself wearing these all the time.

*Got on the scale and I'm FINALLY back to to my pre-surgery weight! It's taken 2 weeks for all the swelling, water weight, and inflammation to go down. This also surprised me since I had a serious sweet tooth at Disneyland on Sunday. But yesterday I was so ticked off, I hardly ate - so maybe it evened out? (yeah - right!)

*I have several need roommate nibbles! My temporary roomie will be out the end of this month, and the lady I had lined up hasn't gotten back to me for weeks, so I'm assuming she's out of the picture. Thankfully, I've been able to get some pretty great Craigslist hits this time around, so I'm feeling pretty peaceful about having a roomie by the time rent is due.

*I got rid of the ants that attacked Clydas' dog food. Yeah! I'm on the 2nd floor, so insects like ants are rarely a problem, but these guys must have been REALLY hungry.

*Work has been pretty productive today.

Speaking of work, I better get back to it!

Sleeping with Steel

Maybe I needed a change.

Maybe I'm the type of girl who can't just try a new cut or color when she needs to adjust her look.

Maybe I'm getting a little more edgy in my old age.

Maybe I'm getting some extra courage.

Maybe I was completely impulsive.

Maybe I'm addicted to pain and things peircing my skin after the last few months of getting them on the regular from the MD's offices.

But I have some new steel.

I can't say sleeping on my side is any more confortable, but maybe that's for the best for now.