Housework Holiday and A Marriage Unbroken

Today is Martin Luther King Day and I have the day off work, so I'm taking it!

Finishing up my birthday bash by going to the movie today - but I'm using it as a reward for cleaning the house. It's been overdue since I was sick last week. Time for some good ole' elbow grease!



Recently, it's come to my attention that a good handful of my friends are 'keeping up appearances'. My heart bleeds for them. I've been-there-done-that. I remember well hiding the anxiety, insecurity, and the shame that my "happily ever after" actually wasn't. I have very little advice for these friends, other than 'Build your own happiness, and you bring a happier person to the relationship,' and 'Treat each other with respect always.'  It's making me feel like my mom a bit, but I'm guessing that's a good thing. Married 41 years and counting, my parents are obviously doing something right, and I'm happy to take a page out of their playbook. My Sailor and I aren't perfect, but we're really good friends and genuinely like each other. That doesn't mean we don't occasionally stomp on each other's feelings, exchange a harsh word, or disappoint each other. That's just part of being in a relationship (any relationship) with another human. That just means we're not fooling ourselves or putting a good face on things that sometimes legitimately suck.

 But love always seems to win out.

Quitting isn't an option - and doing things to sabotage this aren't an option either. We're as we've always been - in the trenches of life together, and we're always a work in progress (individually and as a couple). There is always something to learn.

My heart bleeds when I hear "Should I fight to save my marriage?" My advice seems inadequate, but is always this: "Define fight."

 If that definition includes doing your level best to change your spouse, you're going to lose that battle. No one likes being told what to do, when to do it, who to be friends with, how to feel, etc. It's largely met with rebellion rather than change, especially when you're already on the defensive.

But if "fighting" means things like being open to change and growth, showing love freely and openly, forgiving and learning to apologize sincerely, getting help if you need it, and developing healthy boundaries, then by all means - FIGHT.  Even if the marriage ends, you'll have learned some value skills to take with you into the future. That kind of fighting makes you a better person no matter the outcome.


The tales of woe have really made me appreciate the dynamics in my marriage on a whole new level. Yes, I remember what it was like to be unhappily married in my early 20's.  It was short lived, and full of heartbreak and anxiety - for that I'm grateful though. I wouldn't be me if it weren't for that experience. But no, I don't worry about My Sailor in a tin can under the ocean w/ female sailors. I trust him. I know that if he does get a rare port call, I HOPE he's able to get some much deserved R&R! A decade ago, I wasn't that secure either.

We trust each other to take care of ourselves and our marriage. End of Line. It saves a HUGE amount of head/heartaches.

Now that the serious stuff is out of the way, it's time to get some serious soap scum out of the way!

Part 3! Free lunch at the Rain Forest Cafe.

My favorite salad (China Island Chicken Salad) and a cup of Tomato basil soup. Added a glass of Sam Adams. Spurling w/ a dessert of root beer float. Cost? Tip.

Part 2!

It's a good day to have a Disney Gift Card!

Flying solo blogging birthday shin dig on a shoestring! Part 1 Breakfast for free

Thanks to a Christmas gift card from dad, breakfast is on Starbucks! :) Spinach feta wrap and skinny vanilla latte. Waistline friendly to! Refilling my water bottle while I'm here too! And then it's on the road to Tukwila!

Fear, Need, and The Friendship Cure

I am a relationship girl. What do I mean by that?  I mean that I have never been the type to be completely satisfied by just 'dating' and 'seeing where things go'. Oh, I did my fair share of online dating, and one or two daters, and even 'dating' for years without anything but foolish faith that things would turn into something 'more' than they were, but that was after I was divorced.

And in the middle of that whole beautiful, treasured, messy romantic past I discovered that I had changed...

In my early 20's, I was very opposite to who I am now. I was dependent to a fault and put a lot of my self-worth as a woman on how successful (or unsuccessful) my relationship was at the time. I rated my desirability based on what others (namely men) thought of me.

But the seed was always there. I always knew that the one person I had to look in the mirror be okay with every day - was me.

Alas - People don't change unless they REALLY want to, or they are FORCED to. I am no exception to that rule.

As a result, I've grown into the fiercely independent woman. I've been able to financially support myself (with a little help every now and then), and often times, I leaned on no one- even when I should have. I learned a lot about the 2-way street of friendship, and how to judge myself based on my own scale. I realized that life isn't a race. It's a challenging, astounding, incredible journey that each of us take. Each journey is different and unique, and the people that travel with us on our journey may travel with us for a day, or forever, but most of the time, we have to stand on our own two feet.

Even my ex-boyfriend said I'd make a great military wife, due to my fierce independence.

But my mom hit the nail on the head when we spoke recently. She noticed some changes in me lately. And, as Moms have a habit of being, she is right.

And they are big scary changes.

See, part of that fierce independence included an "I don't really NEED anyone, I just WANT people in my life" attitude. In part, that was a healthy departure from the "Like Me! Like Me! Like Me! PLEASE like me!" that dominated most of my early 20's. But now that's changed as well.

It's a little scary to realize that I DO need people. I need different people for different things. I need good friends like Sistah' Girl  and Mrs B and Bon Bon to really let myself unwind and unravel in a no-judgment-zone where I find that female side of awesome. Where a glass of wine and some girl time can fix just about anything (even if that glass of wine is over the phone). And, I'll admit it, I do rely on My Sailor (my husband) for a whole different type of support.

Sure, NO ONE is responsible for my happiness but me. THAT hasn't changed.  My Sailor just enhances that happiness, and I get accustomed to that, so when he's away, there is a void left. Not talking about that void is like not taking about the elephant in the room. And as his deployment status has sunk in, I'm now better able to break up my day and get in my Flying Solo groove. That doesn't mean the void isn't there. It's constantly there - even amidst distraction. But unlike when I was in my 20's, the void doesn't threaten to swallow me whole. I mean, sure, I have my tearful moments, but they pass.

For me, it was a pretty scary realization that I actually, legitimately, need someone for a million of those little every day reasons...but not a single one had to do with physical "things" (like chore help, financial assistance, etc) and they had everything to do with a kind of vulnerability I'm still exploring.

I'm incredibly grateful that I have had such circumstances in my life which have enforced change, and I have some wonderful people in my way -near and far - to help me grow through it.

And I'm grateful that while I'm here, trying to sleep through 140 collective pounds of snoring dogs on the bed, he's somewhere out there, on a tiny rack of pacing the halls, watching over all of us.
Though being truly vulnerable is sometimes terrifying, I know that deep down, my heart could not be in safer hands.

Making Cents and Carrying Water

Today I did the great banks shuffle that I do every 2 weeks. Only this time, with some tweaks.

See, we keep seperate accounts, but we both contribute to a "house bill" account. Well, our housebills went up, but our input, well, didn't. That was causing a problem (as you might imagine). so we boosted our contributions big time this month.

The result? The bills are paid sooner, and we STILL have a whole paycheck to go this month! I'm breathing a sigh of relief over it. I really hate being tight on money, even though I've lived fairly frugally for most of my adult life. Still, we're DINK (duel income no kids) household at the moment, so we get to enjoy some perks here and there.

To keep our bank accounts looking that way, I opted not to book a flight home for the long weekend after my birthday. It wasn't an entirely easy decision, but I know we'll need a loan this year, so the more we save and pay off now, the better we'll be for that turn of events. It's about the cost of a new car (though we're not using it for a car, we're spreading it out for home improvements, adoption, etc). 

It's amazing how much money you save when you don't go out. I know that sounds silly, but seriously - when it's just me, I go out to a movie or a meal about once a week. My weekends turn into more "get chores done" time than anything else. The biggest motivator is usually homecoming, or the dogs.

But Odin is turning me into a much better housekeeper. Though he's FINALLY stopped shedding entire small animals when he walks by, he still sheds enough that vaccuming once a week doesn't really cut it (especially since I don't like my house smelling like dog). Vaccuming turns into dishes, which turns into laundry... heck, I spent New Years day MOWING THE GRASS and spray the damned Blackberry bushes that are popping up everywhere. Which has yet to work, but I digress...

But the question that pops up more often then not is "How are You holding up?" It feels great to have friends and family concerned about me. I won't lie. With regular work stress, raising young dog stress, adoption, deployment, and sick family member stress... it's a LOT. And yup, I cry a little now and then. It's especially hard when, honestly, I haven't had human touch in over a week. That's probably the hardest part.. My Sailor and I aren't crazy physically affectionate in public. But just imagine going a full week without touching another human being.

Are you there yet?

No?

Well, if you can, try it sometime. It's an... odd experience. No hugs hi and bye. Not even so much as a handshake.

 Now, add to that having tough times. Times where a hug could really make you feel like you're burden is being lifted or shared.

And there you have it.

It's not that the WONDERFUL people in my life DON'T share it. It's just that they are physically pretty far away at present, which gives me a whole new perspective. I really appreciate every friendly voice and email in a whole new way when I'm flying solo.

And sometimes, I watch a sappy movie JUST so I cry and have a chance to tip my bucket, empty out some of the load, and look forward.

My dad is doing well. He just started radiation and chemo today. I'm hopeful he doesn't feel too many ill effects over the next few weeks, and I do worry about my family down there. I miss coffee w/ the folks on the weekend all that jazz. I love my life here, don't get me wrong. In fact, I think that everything I'm feeling is very healthy.

It just sucks sometimes.

But right now, right this second, I'm thrilled to see there that we're making financial headway - and our taxes aren't even started yet. Yeah!

Deployment Check In and Entertainment of the Evening

 Emotional: Been pretty stable this week, but very, very busy and focused. Tonight - Friday night, it's a bit tougher.

Physical: Good! Tired, but that's not new.I've lost a few pounds (through healthy means) this week so that's a trend I plan to continue if I can control it. And (TMI) It's nice not to have 'TOM' visiting, since I only got about 1 week of a break from it last month.

Communication: Non-existant. But I sent him with a small bag of goodies and a box of goodies as well, so I'm hopeful those will tide him over. I still write every day, but have no way to confirm anything is getting through and no replies is just part of the silent world of submarines.

What's something fun you did this week: Wine at MorMor and Red Dawn w/ the roomie and some fellow shipmates, tied w/ taking a couple youngsters to check out some Christmas lights.

 What are you looking forward to next week: Figuring out what the heck I'm going to do for my birthday. So far, the highest things on the hit list are are Tukwila Mall for my free meal at the RainForest Cafe, and a movie while I stroll the mall. The funny thing about this idea is that pretty close to what I did last year for my birthday with My Sailor (though I was moaning and groaning that it wasn't 'special enough' the whole time - then again, I'm a spoiled Southern Californian - and now I'm CHOOSING to do it. I love a good irony...)

What made you happy : Odin being an especially good dog today!  Playing with my new running app and nice weather. And a few phone calls home. It's always nice to hear a friendly voice. Starting to write about Sihaya again boosted my spirits big time this week.

What made you sad/mad this week:Lack of communication, work feels like trudging through mud, and the realization that I'm getting closer and closer to 35 and the goals of family, being debt free, and being a professional writer seem just as far away as they did last year. (Adoption and "debt free" don't exactly go together.)

What do you miss this week: Snuggling w/ My Sailor and, well, lots of R rated things I won't discuss here.

How has the dog's weeks been this week:Well, let's just say running with both dogs, to an interval set in my headphones was NOT a good idea. But I got 1/2 the run in, and the dogs got a good walk in while the weather was clear (yet cold). Odin has 2 serious issues: #1 - I mowed the tall weeds grass in our front yard and he no longer feels like King of the Jungle walking around and pooping in there... so he takes FOREVER to find a new poop spot. At least, 10 minutes feels like forever when you're standing on the other end of a 20 foot leash in your pjs and snow boots waiting for a dog to poop.
#2 - Odin HATES pooping in the rain and will take twice as long if it's raining outside. If I get tired of the tug of wills trying to get him to poop, he has to go directly into the crate until I'm ready to let him out again because he'll slink off and find a place to poop IN THE HOUSE... It's eternally frustrating, but I'm sure we'll get through it.

Favorite song/show/movie of the moment:Beauty and a Beat (Justin Biber - I know, I know... I'm not into HIM, I'm just a sucker for a song that talks about winning a woman over and guys that want to show off their girls. It's VERY rare that I've been in that position in my life, and I'm sure the fantasy is much better than the reality, but - hey - a girl can dream can't she?); Star Trek: Enterprise (re-watching some old episodes courtesy of Hulu - it's like sitting with an old friend; and Porthos is a pretty cool name for a Beagle); Tangled... probably because it's the first Disney movie My Sailor and I saw in the theaters together, so it's nostalgia.

Pictures from home:

Clydas (the 8 yr old boxer) showing the pup (Odin, the Great Pyr, under 2 years old) who's boss in a tug of war match
Some of the best entertainment doesn't need a remote control. Just a rope.