Epiphany

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Quote of the Blog: An artist's duty is rather to stay open-minded and in a state where he can receive information and inspiration. You always have to be ready for that little artistic Epiphany.
Nick Cave


Yesterday I did a LOT of walking (well, for me). By 5pm, my FitBit was telling me I'd walked 3.66 miles and climbed about 19 stairs. Not bad for someone who sits on her butt until it's numb at work all day. (I'm starting to resent having a desk job...)

On my final walk home, I realized that I've been doing a lot of things through my life to "prove something" to "someone". Usually, it's to prove I'm 'worth it'. That made me channel my inner Mitra (Bon Bon, you know what I mean by that!) and ask myself some insightful questions. See, I was in therapy with an amazing therapist post-divorce and SO much of that has stuck with me, I am so glad to have hooked up with my therapist and to have taken the time to heal some deeper issues that needed attention. So, I channeled Mitra again and walked with some good questions -

"What are you trying to prove?"
That I'm worthy of someone else's time, attention, love, admiration, etc.

"Is this really ever achievable?"
No. I can't control how people feel about me. I can only control how I see myself.

"Why don't you feel like you're worthy of someone's time and attention?"
Because I struggle to see my own worth sometimes, so I keep trying to earn validation from others subconciously.
And that's what we call "a break through" people! But it gets better.

The real epiphany -
"What would it feel like to NOT have to prove anything to anyone and to just be you?"

I didn't answer it, with words. I just let myself sit with the feeling of burgeoning joy for a minute before I found the word I was looking for.

Freedom.

By the time I came home, I was finally feeling inspired. It's not really something that happened completely instanteously. Looking back, I see how I've been leading up to this realization for a while now. But in that walk, it finally clicked.

I WANT to take care of my body again. Sure, working out is "hard", but I'm not doing it for a weight, or a number, or a dress size, or a "look". I'm doing it because I like the way I feel. I'm doing it to celebrate the skin I'm in. I'm doing it to enjoy even more of what life and nature has to offer, even longer.

To my surprise, I'm handling all the stresses going on (both cars breaking down, financial stress of buying property, my dad's mysterious illness, regular work/everyday stress...) with more grace than I ever thought I'd be capable of. I'm not feeling drained or worn down by it. I'm automatically finding the positives, solving the problems, and moving on.

Recalling the lessons I learned post divorce have made my life, and my relationships, stronger. Because when I'm at my best, I can enjoy being present with everyone around me. When I'm focusing on "being strong" or 'being there" or anything other than just 'being', I'm distracted from the blessings that are presented to me every moment. That's part of why I'm blogging less. I'm writing MORE. I'm reading MORE. I'm getting enough rest. I'm working out. I'm eating right.

And I'm reaping the benefits. I'm patting myself on my back right now. It's going to take some time, and continued "check ins" with myself to make sure I'm following my heart rather than doing what I think I need to prove I'm worth a damn.


...And I'm writing my inner Mitra a check for some bubble bath and a book time. Everybody deserves a reward - because I'm worth it!

Insert Clever Title Here

It's Friday and I'm FINALLY getting my act together enough to blog. I caught a nasty cold this week that's kept me sleeping for 12+ hrs for a few days in a row just to get back on my feet. Today was my first day w/o cold medicine and I'm feeling much MUCH better. I got in a work out (yeah!) and felt like I could have done more. So after work I made dinner (steak stir-fry - yum!) and did a BUNCH of cleaning - including some long overdue dusting and laundry folding!

Yeah for productivity!

Sometimes it seems the grass is always greener though.

Today, a digital friend of mine who is planning her own wedding was talking about putting invitations together. Her post complained about the tediousness of it. I don't blame her for complaining. Weddings are those fleeting things that people put a LOT of work into every detail - even though they largely go unappreciated. Unless you send a Porche with your invitation, odds are those invitations brides spend hours putting together will just end up in the trash. A select few may make it to memory boxes and scrap books, but that's about it. But I have to admit - I was envious. Not of the tediousness of her work, but of her being close enough to her wedding to actually have work like that NEED to get done! We're in no pressing rush. (cue wistful sigh here) The Navy postponed things until Jan-March of next year - again. So the wedding that has been in the planning stages for a few years now is still nearly a year off. Boo hiss. On the upside, nearly everything for Orlando is planned. It's just a matter of saying "Go!" to a few key vendors and folks - and throwing money at it.  And since we're buying a house right now, the "throwing money at it" part would be tough to come by for the next few months anyway.

On the upside, we have a commitment from a roommate! Yeah! At least for about 90 days. Sort of a "trial period". While his rent isn't really much, it'll help out from the initial "house poor" shock that's bound to happen as we figure out what utilities look like, along with a few improvements and furnishings we'll need - like a washer and dryer.

It felt so good to FINALLY have some energy today. Whenever I recover from an illness, I generally end up on a huge cleaning spree. Why? Because it's very true that your exterior often reflects and/or influences your interior - and it feels good to scrub everything down and have the house become a "germ free" zone (or as "germ free" as is reasonably possible) rather than a health safety hazard waiting to happen.

My Sailor has been really helpful while I'm sick, especially considering the stuff going on with an illness in the family at home. There are no quick answers to my dad's condition, but we're family and we've got the love and support we need to see Dad through this.

Speaking of the folks... my parents are talking about taking a break from all the crazy medical testing and getting the heck out of dodge for a while to come visit for a weekend! Spring is BEAUTIFUL up here. It's almost hard to believe I've been here for a year already! It's been a great adventure so far.

Buying a house makes me feel as if I'm "all grown up". Then again, having a mortgage will do that to ya... Nothing can change the fact that I'm still just a kid at heart.

Feet on the ground, head in the clouds. That's me!

Blink and You'll Miss it!

This past week has been SO busy and I must keep this update brief, so here ya go.

House Update -  It looks like the VA inspection and approval went through AND they added the fee for both of those to our Mortgage! That must be a pretty good sign that they think we can handle this place. We've given our 60 day move out notice, so no matter what happens from here on out, we can't stay here. Which isn't a bad thing. We're very ready to move on and other rentals are popping up all around.

Writing update - I actually started the fantasy novel. I'm not sure just where it's going or how it'll be pieced together, but it's officially started. Titles are starting to emerge. The settings are starting to flesh out. Even the characters I knew so well 15 years ago are coming back to life. It's a little scary, but it feels great. I'm not writing this to make money. I writing this for me. I've realized that the whole 'make money at it' thing has been the road block stopping me from expressing the creative spirit I've always had. As an adult, I find myself frustrated often by being "stuck" in the practical world. After all, I'm over 30. I'm buying a house. I'm getting ready for kids in the next few years. I'm "supposed" to give up on all this, right?

Wrong. "Supposed to's" in life are just boxes we put ourselves in. It's a box I've got to work hard on getting out of.

Travel updates -
This past Saturday night, My Sailor and I spent at the Salish Lodge. We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day, or a better Christmas present. It was just want we needed. Between the massive overtime from last month, the stress of buying a house, and a recent health issue with my dad, it's safe to say we needed a break. And it was a perfect little get-away. After looking at the bill for just 1 night, this is certainly something we couldn't have afforded any other way. Santa did good this year.

In other news - We're trying to get down to Southern California next weekend. It's pretty much the only  hole we can make in our upcoming schedules, and my mom's birthday is right around the corner. With my dad's health not exactly being at 100%, it's much needed. Making it happen financially means we're DRIVING. And we might end up having to bring the dog as well. According to AAA, it'll take about $580 in gas and about 17 hours to make the drive. Thankfully, it's spring time, so we'll be able to avoid all the snowy mountains. On the downside, it's a LOT of driving for 1 weekend! I'm still keeping my eyes peeled for cheap airfare, but so far, they LOVE gouging last minute flyers. Friends and family have offered to put us up, which will be awesome if this all works out.

However, if I get any worse with this cold I'm coming down with, there is NO WAY we'll be traveling. Don't need to get Dad sicker!

Anyway, back to work for me!

Adventure is out there - and Here We Come!

Update - So there have been a couple minor flub ups by the mortgage company. It's silly things. Like "Why do we have 2 W-2's with different gross payments amount for you?" Um... because you asked for 2010 and 2011 W-2's and I'm an hourly employee, so they are bound to be different. Since this is the only mistake/overlook that has happened, I've brought it to the attention of the executive manager. So I'm hopeful that it will be closed with more accuracy going forward. But when things like that happen, it does make me pretty nervous!

Good News!

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It turns out that My Sailor will be home ALL next weekend! Yeah! With that in mind, we've decided to get the heck out of dodge for a while. We're finally using our gift certificate to the Salish Lodge to get away for an overnight. Since it's free, it'll be a great break from all of the crazy long hours and overtime I've been pulling lately. I'm looking over packages, figuring out the best way to use our gift certificates. We might be able to get an overnight stay in a river view room, with 50 minutes massages, and dinner. My Sailor seems a bit eager to get away as well. I'm really looking forward to it! No family. No friends. No work. Even Clydas will probably have a friend sit with him for the overnight.

So that's the latest and greatest! I'm laying down for a nap and then back to 12 hours of OT  while My Sailor has duty. Though I might just sneak out to the jacuzzi at some point! :)