Thanks to a Christmas gift card from dad, breakfast is on Starbucks! :) Spinach feta wrap and skinny vanilla latte. Waistline friendly to! Refilling my water bottle while I'm here too! And then it's on the road to Tukwila!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
Fear, Need, and The Friendship Cure
And in the middle of that whole beautiful, treasured, messy romantic past I discovered that I had changed...
In my early 20's, I was very opposite to who I am now. I was dependent to a fault and put a lot of my self-worth as a woman on how successful (or unsuccessful) my relationship was at the time. I rated my desirability based on what others (namely men) thought of me.
But the seed was always there. I always knew that the one person I had to look in the mirror be okay with every day - was me.
Alas - People don't change unless they REALLY want to, or they are FORCED to. I am no exception to that rule.
As a result, I've grown into the fiercely independent woman. I've been able to financially support myself (with a little help every now and then), and often times, I leaned on no one- even when I should have. I learned a lot about the 2-way street of friendship, and how to judge myself based on my own scale. I realized that life isn't a race. It's a challenging, astounding, incredible journey that each of us take. Each journey is different and unique, and the people that travel with us on our journey may travel with us for a day, or forever, but most of the time, we have to stand on our own two feet.
Even my ex-boyfriend said I'd make a great military wife, due to my fierce independence.
But my mom hit the nail on the head when we spoke recently. She noticed some changes in me lately. And, as Moms have a habit of being, she is right.
And they are big scary changes.
See, part of that fierce independence included an "I don't really NEED anyone, I just WANT people in my life" attitude. In part, that was a healthy departure from the "Like Me! Like Me! Like Me! PLEASE like me!" that dominated most of my early 20's. But now that's changed as well.
It's a little scary to realize that I DO need people. I need different people for different things. I need good friends like Sistah' Girl and Mrs B and Bon Bon to really let myself unwind and unravel in a no-judgment-zone where I find that female side of awesome. Where a glass of wine and some girl time can fix just about anything (even if that glass of wine is over the phone). And, I'll admit it, I do rely on My Sailor (my husband) for a whole different type of support.
Sure, NO ONE is responsible for my happiness but me. THAT hasn't changed. My Sailor just enhances that happiness, and I get accustomed to that, so when he's away, there is a void left. Not talking about that void is like not taking about the elephant in the room. And as his deployment status has sunk in, I'm now better able to break up my day and get in my Flying Solo groove. That doesn't mean the void isn't there. It's constantly there - even amidst distraction. But unlike when I was in my 20's, the void doesn't threaten to swallow me whole. I mean, sure, I have my tearful moments, but they pass.
For me, it was a pretty scary realization that I actually, legitimately, need someone for a million of those little every day reasons...but not a single one had to do with physical "things" (like chore help, financial assistance, etc) and they had everything to do with a kind of vulnerability I'm still exploring.
I'm incredibly grateful that I have had such circumstances in my life which have enforced change, and I have some wonderful people in my way -near and far - to help me grow through it.
And I'm grateful that while I'm here, trying to sleep through 140 collective pounds of snoring dogs on the bed, he's somewhere out there, on a tiny rack of pacing the halls, watching over all of us.
Though being truly vulnerable is sometimes terrifying, I know that deep down, my heart could not be in safer hands.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Making Cents and Carrying Water
Today I did the great banks shuffle that I do every 2 weeks. Only this time, with some tweaks.
See, we keep seperate accounts, but we both contribute to a "house bill" account. Well, our housebills went up, but our input, well, didn't. That was causing a problem (as you might imagine). so we boosted our contributions big time this month.
The result? The bills are paid sooner, and we STILL have a whole paycheck to go this month! I'm breathing a sigh of relief over it. I really hate being tight on money, even though I've lived fairly frugally for most of my adult life. Still, we're DINK (duel income no kids) household at the moment, so we get to enjoy some perks here and there.
To keep our bank accounts looking that way, I opted not to book a flight home for the long weekend after my birthday. It wasn't an entirely easy decision, but I know we'll need a loan this year, so the more we save and pay off now, the better we'll be for that turn of events. It's about the cost of a new car (though we're not using it for a car, we're spreading it out for home improvements, adoption, etc).
It's amazing how much money you save when you don't go out. I know that sounds silly, but seriously - when it's just me, I go out to a movie or a meal about once a week. My weekends turn into more "get chores done" time than anything else. The biggest motivator is usually homecoming, or the dogs.
But Odin is turning me into a much better housekeeper. Though he's FINALLY stopped shedding entire small animals when he walks by, he still sheds enough that vaccuming once a week doesn't really cut it (especially since I don't like my house smelling like dog). Vaccuming turns into dishes, which turns into laundry... heck, I spent New Years day MOWING THE GRASS and spray the damned Blackberry bushes that are popping up everywhere. Which has yet to work, but I digress...
But the question that pops up more often then not is "How are You holding up?" It feels great to have friends and family concerned about me. I won't lie. With regular work stress, raising young dog stress, adoption, deployment, and sick family member stress... it's a LOT. And yup, I cry a little now and then. It's especially hard when, honestly, I haven't had human touch in over a week. That's probably the hardest part.. My Sailor and I aren't crazy physically affectionate in public. But just imagine going a full week without touching another human being.
Are you there yet?
No?
Well, if you can, try it sometime. It's an... odd experience. No hugs hi and bye. Not even so much as a handshake.
Now, add to that having tough times. Times where a hug could really make you feel like you're burden is being lifted or shared.
And there you have it.
It's not that the WONDERFUL people in my life DON'T share it. It's just that they are physically pretty far away at present, which gives me a whole new perspective. I really appreciate every friendly voice and email in a whole new way when I'm flying solo.
And sometimes, I watch a sappy movie JUST so I cry and have a chance to tip my bucket, empty out some of the load, and look forward.
My dad is doing well. He just started radiation and chemo today. I'm hopeful he doesn't feel too many ill effects over the next few weeks, and I do worry about my family down there. I miss coffee w/ the folks on the weekend all that jazz. I love my life here, don't get me wrong. In fact, I think that everything I'm feeling is very healthy.
It just sucks sometimes.
But right now, right this second, I'm thrilled to see there that we're making financial headway - and our taxes aren't even started yet. Yeah!
See, we keep seperate accounts, but we both contribute to a "house bill" account. Well, our housebills went up, but our input, well, didn't. That was causing a problem (as you might imagine). so we boosted our contributions big time this month.
The result? The bills are paid sooner, and we STILL have a whole paycheck to go this month! I'm breathing a sigh of relief over it. I really hate being tight on money, even though I've lived fairly frugally for most of my adult life. Still, we're DINK (duel income no kids) household at the moment, so we get to enjoy some perks here and there.
To keep our bank accounts looking that way, I opted not to book a flight home for the long weekend after my birthday. It wasn't an entirely easy decision, but I know we'll need a loan this year, so the more we save and pay off now, the better we'll be for that turn of events. It's about the cost of a new car (though we're not using it for a car, we're spreading it out for home improvements, adoption, etc).
It's amazing how much money you save when you don't go out. I know that sounds silly, but seriously - when it's just me, I go out to a movie or a meal about once a week. My weekends turn into more "get chores done" time than anything else. The biggest motivator is usually homecoming, or the dogs.
But Odin is turning me into a much better housekeeper. Though he's FINALLY stopped shedding entire small animals when he walks by, he still sheds enough that vaccuming once a week doesn't really cut it (especially since I don't like my house smelling like dog). Vaccuming turns into dishes, which turns into laundry... heck, I spent New Years day MOWING THE GRASS and spray the damned Blackberry bushes that are popping up everywhere. Which has yet to work, but I digress...
But the question that pops up more often then not is "How are You holding up?" It feels great to have friends and family concerned about me. I won't lie. With regular work stress, raising young dog stress, adoption, deployment, and sick family member stress... it's a LOT. And yup, I cry a little now and then. It's especially hard when, honestly, I haven't had human touch in over a week. That's probably the hardest part.. My Sailor and I aren't crazy physically affectionate in public. But just imagine going a full week without touching another human being.
Are you there yet?
No?
Well, if you can, try it sometime. It's an... odd experience. No hugs hi and bye. Not even so much as a handshake.
Now, add to that having tough times. Times where a hug could really make you feel like you're burden is being lifted or shared.
And there you have it.
It's not that the WONDERFUL people in my life DON'T share it. It's just that they are physically pretty far away at present, which gives me a whole new perspective. I really appreciate every friendly voice and email in a whole new way when I'm flying solo.
And sometimes, I watch a sappy movie JUST so I cry and have a chance to tip my bucket, empty out some of the load, and look forward.
My dad is doing well. He just started radiation and chemo today. I'm hopeful he doesn't feel too many ill effects over the next few weeks, and I do worry about my family down there. I miss coffee w/ the folks on the weekend all that jazz. I love my life here, don't get me wrong. In fact, I think that everything I'm feeling is very healthy.
It just sucks sometimes.
But right now, right this second, I'm thrilled to see there that we're making financial headway - and our taxes aren't even started yet. Yeah!
Friday, January 4, 2013
Deployment Check In and Entertainment of the Evening
Emotional: Been pretty stable this week, but very, very busy and focused. Tonight - Friday night, it's a bit tougher.
Physical: Good! Tired, but that's not new.I've lost a few pounds (through healthy means) this week so that's a trend I plan to continue if I can control it. And (TMI) It's nice not to have 'TOM' visiting, since I only got about 1 week of a break from it last month.
Communication: Non-existant. But I sent him with a small bag of goodies and a box of goodies as well, so I'm hopeful those will tide him over. I still write every day, but have no way to confirm anything is getting through and no replies is just part of the silent world of submarines.
What's something fun you did this week: Wine at MorMor and Red Dawn w/ the roomie and some fellow shipmates, tied w/ taking a couple youngsters to check out some Christmas lights.
What are you looking forward to next week: Figuring out what the heck I'm going to do for my birthday. So far, the highest things on the hit list are are Tukwila Mall for my free meal at the RainForest Cafe, and a movie while I stroll the mall. The funny thing about this idea is that pretty close to what I did last year for my birthday with My Sailor (though I was moaning and groaning that it wasn't 'special enough' the whole time - then again, I'm a spoiled Southern Californian - and now I'm CHOOSING to do it. I love a good irony...)
Physical: Good! Tired, but that's not new.I've lost a few pounds (through healthy means) this week so that's a trend I plan to continue if I can control it. And (TMI) It's nice not to have 'TOM' visiting, since I only got about 1 week of a break from it last month.
Communication: Non-existant. But I sent him with a small bag of goodies and a box of goodies as well, so I'm hopeful those will tide him over. I still write every day, but have no way to confirm anything is getting through and no replies is just part of the silent world of submarines.
What's something fun you did this week: Wine at MorMor and Red Dawn w/ the roomie and some fellow shipmates, tied w/ taking a couple youngsters to check out some Christmas lights.
What are you looking forward to next week: Figuring out what the heck I'm going to do for my birthday. So far, the highest things on the hit list are are Tukwila Mall for my free meal at the RainForest Cafe, and a movie while I stroll the mall. The funny thing about this idea is that pretty close to what I did last year for my birthday with My Sailor (though I was moaning and groaning that it wasn't 'special enough' the whole time - then again, I'm a spoiled Southern Californian - and now I'm CHOOSING to do it. I love a good irony...)
What made you happy : Odin being an especially good dog today! Playing with my new running app and nice weather. And a few phone calls home. It's always nice to hear a friendly voice. Starting to write about Sihaya again boosted my spirits big time this week.
What made you sad/mad this week:Lack of communication, work feels like trudging through mud, and the realization that I'm getting closer and closer to 35 and the goals of family, being debt free, and being a professional writer seem just as far away as they did last year. (Adoption and "debt free" don't exactly go together.)
What do you miss this week: Snuggling w/ My Sailor and, well, lots of R rated things I won't discuss here.
How has the dog's weeks been this week:Well, let's just say running with both dogs, to an interval set in my headphones was NOT a good idea. But I got 1/2 the run in, and the dogs got a good walk in while the weather was clear (yet cold). Odin has 2 serious issues: #1 - I mowed the tall weeds grass in our front yard and he no longer feels like King of the Jungle walking around and pooping in there... so he takes FOREVER to find a new poop spot. At least, 10 minutes feels like forever when you're standing on the other end of a 20 foot leash in your pjs and snow boots waiting for a dog to poop.
#2 - Odin HATES pooping in the rain and will take twice as long if it's raining outside. If I get tired of the tug of wills trying to get him to poop, he has to go directly into the crate until I'm ready to let him out again because he'll slink off and find a place to poop IN THE HOUSE... It's eternally frustrating, but I'm sure we'll get through it.
#2 - Odin HATES pooping in the rain and will take twice as long if it's raining outside. If I get tired of the tug of wills trying to get him to poop, he has to go directly into the crate until I'm ready to let him out again because he'll slink off and find a place to poop IN THE HOUSE... It's eternally frustrating, but I'm sure we'll get through it.
Favorite song/show/movie of the moment:Beauty and a Beat (Justin Biber - I know, I know... I'm not into HIM, I'm just a sucker for a song that talks about winning a woman over and guys that want to show off their girls. It's VERY rare that I've been in that position in my life, and I'm sure the fantasy is much better than the reality, but - hey - a girl can dream can't she?); Star Trek: Enterprise (re-watching some old episodes courtesy of Hulu - it's like sitting with an old friend; and Porthos is a pretty cool name for a Beagle); Tangled... probably because it's the first Disney movie My Sailor and I saw in the theaters together, so it's nostalgia.
Pictures from home:
Clydas (the 8 yr old boxer) showing the pup (Odin, the Great Pyr, under 2 years old) who's boss in a tug of war match
Some of the best entertainment doesn't need a remote control. Just a rope.
Some of the best entertainment doesn't need a remote control. Just a rope.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
My beautiful world of Fiction
"The Storyteller’s Creed I believe that
imagination is stronger than knowledge, That myth is more potent than
history, That dreams are more powerful than facts, That hope always
triumphs over experience, That laughter is the only cure for grief, And I
believe that love is stronger than death. —Robert Fulghum"
I've been a story teller for a very very very long time. From the first whooper of a lie I tried to tell my parents ( "No! I didn't eat the brownie! It was the...ants! Yes! That's it! We must have had black ants break in and eat the brownie and carry it off! Why does my breath smell like chocolate? It does not!") to the poems I wrote (about 300+ from 1994-1996) to the songs I've written, to the stories I created online and the characters I've created on stage - above almost any other label I have in life, being a story teller is one of them. In fact, one could argue this blog is part of that. After all, it's part of My Story.
Now that that fact is out there, I thought I'd share this snippet with you. See, I had no idea what to write to My Sailor yesterday, so I sent him a story I've been flushing out. Now, I've been batting this around in my mind for a while now. I'm not sure where it's going. All I know is it felt amazing by the time I was done. I could have written all night! Maybe it was inspired, but I realized how amazing it feels to breathe life into characters on a page. I'm not the "plan out your entire storyline ahead of time" type author. I'm the "create amazing characters and let THEM show you their story".
So here's a little bite of one of the tales of Sihaya that I've been working on. (My Sailor already is well aquainted with the back story of the characters, so I didn't go into unnecessary detail, but I'll probably flesh them out more for readers so you can see them the way I do later.) Maybe, just maybe, if I keep chipping away at this and letting them show me their stories... maybe they'll take me into the world of publishing. What do you think?
(One more disclaimer - I would have made this tale a bit more gruesome, but I was sending it over monitored email and words like "rape" would probably have triggered an alert!)
I've been a story teller for a very very very long time. From the first whooper of a lie I tried to tell my parents ( "No! I didn't eat the brownie! It was the...ants! Yes! That's it! We must have had black ants break in and eat the brownie and carry it off! Why does my breath smell like chocolate? It does not!") to the poems I wrote (about 300+ from 1994-1996) to the songs I've written, to the stories I created online and the characters I've created on stage - above almost any other label I have in life, being a story teller is one of them. In fact, one could argue this blog is part of that. After all, it's part of My Story.
Now that that fact is out there, I thought I'd share this snippet with you. See, I had no idea what to write to My Sailor yesterday, so I sent him a story I've been flushing out. Now, I've been batting this around in my mind for a while now. I'm not sure where it's going. All I know is it felt amazing by the time I was done. I could have written all night! Maybe it was inspired, but I realized how amazing it feels to breathe life into characters on a page. I'm not the "plan out your entire storyline ahead of time" type author. I'm the "create amazing characters and let THEM show you their story".
So here's a little bite of one of the tales of Sihaya that I've been working on. (My Sailor already is well aquainted with the back story of the characters, so I didn't go into unnecessary detail, but I'll probably flesh them out more for readers so you can see them the way I do later.) Maybe, just maybe, if I keep chipping away at this and letting them show me their stories... maybe they'll take me into the world of publishing. What do you think?
(One more disclaimer - I would have made this tale a bit more gruesome, but I was sending it over monitored email and words like "rape" would probably have triggered an alert!)
Sihaya knelt by the stream wringing water out of her long raven hair.
The glacier river water was icy cold on her fingers. It was a far cry
from the steaming swamp they last found themselves in. Her lover lay
sleeping my the remnants of the previous nights' fire. She'd awaken him
soon enough, but for now, she enjoyed the rare sight of his rythmic
breathing and peaceful body. A soft smile touched her lips as she rose
and braided her hair over one shoulder. Her fingers were so practiced
at the movements that she didn't think twice about throwing the heavy
finished braid over her shoulder, not until the chill of the icy water
between her wings cause a sharp gasp of surprise.
That was all it took to wake him up, her Lazarus. Sitting bolt upright,
his hand already gripped the dagger beside him, his emerald eyes alert
and ready to take on any threat. They both knew that he didn't need a
dagger to render his prey immobile. His speed and teeth made him a
formidable force indeed.
Frozen in place momentarily by his surprise, the winged woman blinked
at him curiously through crystal eyes and spoke softly, "We've a long
way to go before we discover The Order." Relaxing a little, she
continued back towards the dying fire to warm her nearly frost bitten
hands. "I don't expect we'll see people for some time." Her hunting
leathers creaked as she crouched to warm her hands on the embers.
"Aye, but if they're growing everyday," his speech was interuppted by a
brief yawn and his hand on his dagger relaxed, "what's to say they
haven't begun hunting?"
Her crystal gaze turned to the fire and the softness of her graceful
features turned a shade of deadly elegance he'd seen more often than
not these days. With the smallest bit of reluctance, she nodded as she
warmed her palms on the embers. "You're right." she answered in quiet
certainty.
"Immortality..." his voice turned quiet as well, "An intoxicating
proposition for man." He turned toward the embers, though his kindred
skin didn't need warming.
It was a lesson both the Balance Keeper and the Kindred knew all too
well. She glanced up, meeting his gaze steady - the unspoken burden
they both shared also allowed them to enjoy their love beyond mortal
life spans. "It's not immortality they truly seek though. It's your
curse. Eternal youth."
His eyes narrowed for a moment. He knew the Keeper had no great love of
the blood drinkers - the Kindred - such as he was. But he couldn't
argue the point. Their love had crossed that boundary. And - for all
purposes she was right. "All of the life line, but none of the mess,"
he joked back, lightening the mood.
She smiled a little, both of them relaxing.
Lazarus continued, "No. They've been after your specific form of
forever for far too long. It's time we put an end to this, Sihaya." He
reached out and tenderly took one of her hands over their small
firepit. His voice and sharp features softened ever so slightly as he
kissed the back of her hands and squeezed them. "No more running." The
words were nearly whispered breath over her hands.
Sihaya nodded once more, her wings rustling softly at her back as they
flicked off the last of the cold water droplets left by her hair. "I
know. They should have tried for an Angel's or Kindred's immortality
though."
One of his blood-thirsty, dangerous smiles flickered across his face.
Lazarus answered, "That, my love, would have been far too easy to
attain."
Sihaya retrieved her hands from his grasp and sat on the ground as
Lazarus rose to stretch. He wasn't full Kindred, and for that, she was
grateful. The Bond of their marriage had kept him from joining their
ranks entirely. Centuries ago, when he thought Sihaya lost, he joined
the ranks of the blood-drinkers seeking more power. Sihaya didn't blame
him. She had made her own poor decisions as well out of that grief,
including marrying a dragon and ruling as his queen over a human
kingdom. But when life saw fit for them to rediscover each other, their
souls knew the true strength of their bond, beyond time, distance, and
poor decisions. In a way, it worked.
Things have a way of happening for a reason. Being around a Kindred
allowed the Balance Keeper to leave more light in her wake than
darkness. After all, one could not exist without the other. Sihaya and
Lazarus both knew they would rather not exist without one another. They
had tasted that life, and it left their hearts broken, stomachs soured,
and inspiration fleeting.
In a way, they had saved each other from their shadows. In Sihaya's
case, that was about to literal.
The Order of the Immortal Hand had been hunting down Untamed Balance
Keepers all of Sihaya's life. At first, it was only a mild effort to
try to understand how the Balance Keepers could hold the magic over the
elements that they do, without corruption. That study turned into a
thirst to own and control that power for themselves. For nearly a
thousand years, Mages ruled the Order with an silken glove - coercing
the most wounded, twisted, and hungry of souls into their ranks with
promises of eternal life and immortality. What had started out as a
science became an obsession. Obsession became religion and religion
gave birth to the cult of The Order. The mass amounts of followers saw
Sihaya for what she was, rather than the winged, elvish woman she hid
beneath. Once discovered, she was hunted relentlessly. Now, Lazarus had
decided it was time the hunters became the hunted.
Now, they were heading to the desert, to destroy the cult of The Order.
Walking right into the lion's den may be the only way to defeat those
that wanted nothing more than to drain the Balance Keeper's life force
and pervert nature with it's magic. When the Mages realized that the
Balance Keepers can not be Tamed, they began taking more drastic means,
capturing them, bleeding them, and finding any other means possible to
control them. In the hands of The Order, Sihaya knew she'd live out her
days in her true form, that of a large white winged unicorn, and
strapped to a barbaric device where her blood could be drained slowly -
just enough to experiment with in their quest for Immortality and to
harness the powers of an Untamed Balance Keeper. The last of the
Untamed Balance Keepers as far as the rest of the world knew. Sihaya
would just as well like it to stay that way.
With Lazarus at her side, she knew they had a small chance at taking on
the vast tunnel systems of The Order and ending their 'experimentation'
for good - or at the very least, slowing them down and giving them
something to consider before they continued in their hunt. They'd
journeyed through forest, swamp, and mountain and soon would be heading
into the lowlands.
"A few more days..." she breathed, her gaze locked on his for
reinforcement and encouragement. He nodded once.
"Once we reach the desert." Lazarus nodded.
To be continued...
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
A Beautiful day for Goodbye
One more notch to add to my sub wife belt. Saying goodbye on a holiday. But at least today wasn't pouring rain, and maybe that's why it hasn't really struck me yet. I'm in that "excited to get stuff done before he gets home" phase, rather than the expected "tears and achiness" phase. I expect that might creep up as my birthday does, but it's still weeks away, so I'll take my currently found motivation and run with it. (Literally, I'm starting my 1/2 marathon training tomorow!)
I had lunch w/ a friend and her youngin's today, and explored a new park a little bit. It's inspired me to get another year's worth of a Discover Pass (a pass that let's you park and camp in Washington state parks, rather then pay-as-you-go parking). Between that and my brother's idea to check out some local museums and history, I'm feeling pretty inspired to keep getting out there and having more local fun. Lately, it's felt as though all the work with the house has kept me, well, around the house. Remembering the adventurous feeling I've been lacking in 2012 will really help me find some more bliss- especially since I'm going bread free this month! ;) Gotta keep my spirits up w/o the self-medicating effects of big doses of carbs (which no body needs).
Sweet dreams 2013. Thanks for coming so quickly.
Dear John... I mean 2012....
Dear 2012 -
As I sit here, mere hours away from recycling my calendar and embarking on the hunt for a new one to love for 12 months, I find myself thinking back on our relationship.
2012, you were quite a handful. I recall precious few quiet moments, doing a puzzle, listening to music, or playing games. You brought me the joy of My Sailor's first homecoming, the stress and confusion of moving into our new home. You brought me our new furkid, Odin and all the challenges that come along with an 80 pound snowball of fur. You brought me my first adoption meetings as a prospective adoptive parent, and you brought 5 more pounds to lose. You introduced me to Zumba and proved me to that I could move my feet even if I don't have the grace I'd like. I patronized two professional theatrical productions with My Sailor, and a couple local community ones solo as well - though I performed in none of them.
You brought me a lot of sunny, dry days, and a really hot, beautiful summer day in Anaheim when My Sailor and I finally had our wedding. You brought me a trip to Michigan, and to Florida, to My Sailor's home town, and to Disney World. You brought me new friends and neighbors, strengthened some of my childhood friendships, and helped me let go of others.
You've shown me some weaknesses that I still need to work on, and helped me tap into my emotions more than perhaps ever before.
You've brought pain as well as I peeked into the mortality that we all have. But you also brought me closer to my family with it as well. You also taught me a new sense of gratitude for all the people who stepped up and made our wedding an amazing celebration of life where our families could gather, despite illness or distance, and find a beautiful sense of love in that vulnerability.
Tonight, you fade into memories and I'm grateful for having known you, for the lessons learned, the tears shed, the sleepless nights, the passionate moments, and the brilliant sunrises.
But for all of that, I must leave you and move on, for there is no room in the rear view mirror for tomorrow.
Respectfully and sincerely yours,
Me.
As I sit here, mere hours away from recycling my calendar and embarking on the hunt for a new one to love for 12 months, I find myself thinking back on our relationship.
2012, you were quite a handful. I recall precious few quiet moments, doing a puzzle, listening to music, or playing games. You brought me the joy of My Sailor's first homecoming, the stress and confusion of moving into our new home. You brought me our new furkid, Odin and all the challenges that come along with an 80 pound snowball of fur. You brought me my first adoption meetings as a prospective adoptive parent, and you brought 5 more pounds to lose. You introduced me to Zumba and proved me to that I could move my feet even if I don't have the grace I'd like. I patronized two professional theatrical productions with My Sailor, and a couple local community ones solo as well - though I performed in none of them.
You brought me a lot of sunny, dry days, and a really hot, beautiful summer day in Anaheim when My Sailor and I finally had our wedding. You brought me a trip to Michigan, and to Florida, to My Sailor's home town, and to Disney World. You brought me new friends and neighbors, strengthened some of my childhood friendships, and helped me let go of others.
You've shown me some weaknesses that I still need to work on, and helped me tap into my emotions more than perhaps ever before.
You've brought pain as well as I peeked into the mortality that we all have. But you also brought me closer to my family with it as well. You also taught me a new sense of gratitude for all the people who stepped up and made our wedding an amazing celebration of life where our families could gather, despite illness or distance, and find a beautiful sense of love in that vulnerability.
Tonight, you fade into memories and I'm grateful for having known you, for the lessons learned, the tears shed, the sleepless nights, the passionate moments, and the brilliant sunrises.
But for all of that, I must leave you and move on, for there is no room in the rear view mirror for tomorrow.
Respectfully and sincerely yours,
Me.
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